Gullible^ 
Travels 

Etc. 


RingWLardner 


M***!^ 


-t-^^ 


iuvvtU)^i/'.  \^ru/,TT:: 


GULLIBLE'S  TRAVELS,  ETC. 


Gullible's  Travels,  Etc 


By 
RING  W.  LARDNER 

Author  of 
You  Know  Me,  Al,  etc. 


Illustrated  by 
MAY  WILSON  PRESTON 


ESI 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS- MERRILL  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


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Copyright  1917 
The  Bobbs-Mekrill  Company 


PHESa  OF 

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CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Carmen        ........         1 

Three  Kings  and  a  Pair        .....       37 

Gullible 's  Travels       ......       79 

The  Water  Cure  .         .         .         .         .         .157 

Three  Without,  Doubled      .....     209 


GULLIBLE'S  TRAVELS,  ETC. 


GuUible's  Travels,  Etc. 


CARMEN 

We  was  playin'  rummy  over  to  Hatch's,  and 
Hatch  must  of  fell  in  a  bed  of  four-leaf  clovers 
on  his  way  home  the  night  before,  because  he 
plays  rummy  like  he  does  everything  else ;  but 
this  night  I  refer  to  you  couldn't  beat  him, 
and  besides  him  havin'  all  the  luck  my  Missus 
played  like  she'd  been  bought  off,  so  when  we 
come  to  settle  up  we  was  plain  seven  and  a 
half  out.  You  know  who  i^aid  it.  So  Hatch 
says: 

"They  must  be  some  game  you  can  play." 

"No,"  I  says,  "not  and  beat  you.   I  can  run 

two  blocks  w'ile  you're  stoopin'  over  to  start, 

but  if  we  was  runnin'  a  foot  race  between  each 

other,  and  suppose  I  was  leadin'  by  eighty 

1 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

yards,  a  flivver'd  prob'ly  come  up  and  hit  you 
in  the  back  and  bump  you  over  the  finishin'  line 
ahead  o'  me." 

So  ]Mrs.  Hatch  thinks  I'm  sore  on  account 
o'  the  seven-fifty,  so  she  says : 

"It  don't  seem  fair  for  us  to  have  all  the 
luck." 

"Sure  it's  fair!"  I  says.  "If  you  didn't  have 
the  luck,  what  would  you  have?" 

"I  know,"  she  says;  "but  I  don't  never  feel 
right  winnin'  money  at  cards." 

"I  don't  blame  you,"  I  says. 

"I  know,"  she  says;  "but  it  seems  like  we 
should  ought  to  give  it  back  or  else  stand  treat, 
either  one." 

"Jim's  too  old  to  change  all  his  habits,"  I 
says. 

"Oh,  well,"  says  ]Mrs.  Hatch,  "I  guess  if  I 
told  him  to  loosen  up  he'd  loosen  up.  I  ain't 
lived  with  him  all  these  years  for  nothin'." 

"You'd  be  a  sucker  if  you  did,"  I  says. 

So  they  all  laughed,  and  when  they'd  quieted 
down  IMrs.  Hatch  says : 
2 


CARMEN 

"I  don't  suppose  you'd  feel  like  takin'  the 
money  back?" 

"Not  without  a  gun,"  I  says.  "Jim's  pretty 
husky." 

So  that  give  them  another  good  laugh;  but 
finall}^  she  says : 

"What  do  you  say,  Jim,  to  us  takin'  the 
monejr  they  lose  to  us  and  gettin'  four  tickets 
to  some  show?" 

Jim  managed  to  stay  conscious,  but  he 
couldn't  answer  nothin' ;  so  my  JMissus  says : 

"That'd  be  grand  of  you  to  do  it,  but  don't 
think  you  got  to." 

Well,  of  course,  IMrs.  Hatch  knowed  all  the 
w'ile  she  didn't  have  to,  but  from  what  my  ^lis- 
sus  says  she  could  tell  that  if  they  really  give  us 
the  invitation  we  wouldn't  start  no  fight.  So 
they  talked  it  over  between  themself  w'ile  I  and 
Hatch  went  out  in  the  kitchen  and  split  a  pint 
o'  beer,  and  Hatch  done  the  pourin'  and  his  best 
friend  couldn't  say  he  give  himself  the  worst 
of  it.  So  when  we  come  back  my  IVIissus  and 
]Mrs.  Hatch  had  it  all  framed  that  the  Hatches 
3 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

was  goin'  to  take  us  to  a  show,  and  the  next 
thing  was  what  show  would  it  be.  So  Hatch 
found  the  afternoon  paper,  that  somebody'd 
left  on  the  street-car,  and  read  us  off  a  list  o' 
the  shows  that  was  in  town.  I  spoke  for  the 
Columbia,  but  the  JNIissus  give  me  the  sign  to 
stay  out;  so  they  argued  back  and  forth  and 
finally  Mrs.  Hatch  says: 

"Let's  see  that  paper  a  minute." 

"What  for?"  says  Hatch.  "I  didn't  hold 
nothin'  out  on  you." 

But  he  give  her  the  paper  and  she  run 
through  the  list  herself,  and  then  she  says : 

"You  did,  too,  hold  out  on  us.  You  didn't 
say  nothin'  about  the  Auditorium." 

"What  could  I  say  about  it?"  says  Hatch. 
"I  never  was  inside." 

"It's  time  you  was  then,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"What's  playin'  there?"  I  says. 

"Grand  op'ra,"  says  ^Irs.  Hatch. 

"Oh!"  says  my  Missus.  "Wouldn't  that  be 
wonderful?" 

"What  do  you  say?"  says  Mrs.  Hatch  to  me. 
4 


CAR]MEN 

"I  think  it'd  be  grand  for  you  girls,"  I  says. 
"I  and  Jim  could  leave  you  there  and  go  down 
on  JVIadison  and  see  Charley  Chaplin,  and  then 
come  back  after  you." 

"Nothin'  doin'!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "We'll 
pick  a  show  that  everybody  wants  to  see." 

Well,  if  I  hadn't  of  looked  at  my  Missus 
then  we'd  of  been  O.  K.  But  my  eyes  hap- 
pened to  light  on  where  she  was  settin'  and  she 
w^as  chewin'  her  lips  so's  she  wouldn't  cry.  That 
finished  me.  "I  was  just  kiddin',"  I  says  to 
Mrs.  Hatch.  "They  ain't  nothin'  I'd  like  bet- 
ter than  grand  op'ra." 

"Nothin'  except  gettin'  trimmed  in  a  rummy 
game,"  says  Hatch,  but  he  didn't  get  no  rise. 

Well,  the  Missus  let  loose  of  her  lips  so's  she 
could  smile  and  her  and  Mrs.  Hatch  got  all  ex- 
cited, and  I  and  Hatch  pretended  like  we  was 
excited  too.  So  Hatch  ast  what  night  could  w^e 
go,  and  ]Mrs.  Hatch  says  that  depended  on 
what  did  we  want  to  hear,  because  they  changed 
the  bill  every  day.  So  her  and  the  JNlissus 
looked  at  the  paper  again  and  found  out  where 
5 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Friday  night  was  goin'  to  be  a  big  special  night 
and  the  bill  was  a  musical  show  called  Carmen^ 
and  all  the  stars  was  goin'  to  sing,  includin* 
Mooratory  and  Alda  and  Genevieve  Farr'r, 
that  was  in  the  movies  a  w'ile  till  they  found  out 
she  could  sing,  and  some  fella  they  called 
Daddy,  but  I  don't  know  his  real  name.  So 
the  girls  both  says  Friday  night  was  the  best, 
but  Hatch  says  he  would  have  to  go  to  lodge 
that  evenin'. 

"Lodge!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "What  do  you 
care  about  lodge  when  you  got  a  chance  to 
see  Genevieve  Farr'r  in  Carmen?" 

"Chance!"  says  Hatch.  "If  that's  what  you 
call  a  chance,  I  got  a  chance  to  buy  a  thousand 
shares  o'  Bethlehem  Steel.  Who's  goin'  to  pay 
for  my  chance?" 

"All  right,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch,  "go  to  your 
old  lodge  and  spoil  everything!" 

So  this  time  it  was  her  that  choked  up  and 

made  like  she  was  goin'  to  blubber.    So  Hatch 

changed  his  mind  all  of  a  sudden  and  decided 

to  disappoint  the  brother  Owls.    So  all  of  us 

6 


CARMEN 

was  satisfied  except  fifty  per  cent.,  and  I  and 
the  INIissus  beat  it  home,  and  on  the  way  she 
says  how  nice  Mrs.  Hatch  was  to  give  us  this 
treat. 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "but  if  you  hadn't  of  had  a 
regular  epidemic  o'  discardin'  deuces  and  treys 
Hatch  would  of  treated  us  to  groceries  for  a 
week."  I  says:  "I  always  thought  they  was 
only  twelve  pitcher  cards  in  the  deck  till  I  seen 
them  hands  you  saved  up  to-night." 

"You  lose  as  much  as  I  did,"  she  says. 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "and  I  always  will  as  long  as 
you  forget  to  fetch  your  purse  along." 

So  they  wasn't  no  comeback  to  that,  so  we 
went  on  home  without  no  more  dialogue. 

Well,  Mrs.  Hatch  called  up  the  next  night 
and  says  Jim  had  the  tickets  boughten  and  we 
was  to  be  sure  and  be  ready  at  seven  o'clock 
Friday  night  because  the  show  started  at  eight. 
So  when  I  was  down-town  Friday  the  INIissus 
sent  my  evenin'  dress  suit  over  to  Katzes'  and 
had  it  pressed  up  and  when  I  come  home  it  was 
laid  out  on  the  bed  like  a  corpse. 
7 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"What's  that  for?"  I  says. 

"For  the  op'ra,"  she  says.  "Everybody 
wears  them  to  the  op'ra." 

"Did  you  ask  the  Hatches  what  was  they 
goin'  to  wear?"  I  says. 

"No,"  says  she.  "They  know  what  to  wear 
without  me  teUin'  them.  They  ain't  goin'  to 
the  Auditoriimi  in  their  nightgown." 

So  I  clumb  into  the  soup  and  fish,  and  the 
^Missus  spent  about  a  hour  puttin'  on  a  dress 
that  she  could  have  left  off  without  nobody 
knowin'  the  difference,  and  she  didn't  have 
time  for  no  supper  at  all,  and  I  just  managed 
to  surround  a  piece  o'  steak  as  big  as  your  eye 
and  spill  some  gravy  on  my  clo'es  when  the  bell 
rung  and  there  was  the  Hatches. 

Well,  Hatch  didn't  have  no  more  evenin' 
dress  suit  on  than  a  kewpie.  I  could  see  his 
pants  under  his  overcoat  and  they  was  the  same 
old  baj^  pants  he'd  wore  the  day  he  got  mad 
at  his  kid  and  christened  him  Kenneth.  And 
his  shoes  was  a  last  year's  edition  o'  the  kind 
that's  supposed  to  give  your  feet  a  chance,  and 
8 


CARMEN 

if  his  feet  had  of  been  the  kind  that  takes 
chances  they  was  two  or  three  places  where  they 
could  of  got  away  without  much  trouble. 

I  could  tell  from  the  expression  on  Mrs. 
Hatch's  face  when  she  seen  our  make-up  that 
we'd  crossed  her.  She  looked  about  as  comf 't- 
able  as  a  Belgium. 

''Oh!"  she  says.  "I  didn't  think  you'd  dress 
up." 

"We  thought  you  would,"  says  my  Frau. 

"We!"  I  says.  "Where  do  you  get  that 
Ve'?" 

"If  it  ain't  too  late  we'll  run  in  and  change," 
says  my  Missus. 

"Not  me,"  I  says.  "I  didn't  go  to  all  this 
trouble  and  expense  for  a  splash  o'  gravy. 
Wlien  this  here  miiform  retires  it'll  be  to  make 
room  for  pyjamas." 

"Come  on!"  says  Hatch.  "What's  the  dif- 
ference? You  can  pretend  like  you  ain't  with 
us." 

"It  don't  really  make  no  difference,"  says 
Mrs.  Hatch. 

9 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

Aiid  maybe  it  didn't.  But  we  all  stood  with- 
in whisperin'  distance  of  each  other  on  the  car 
goin'  in,  and  if  you  had  a  dollar  for  every  word 
that  was  talked  among  us  you  couldn't  mail  a 
postcard  from  Hammond  to  Gary.  Wlien  we 
got  off  at  Congress  my  Missus  tried  to  thaw 
out  the  party. 

"The  prices  is  awful  high,  aren't  they?"  she 
says. 

"Outrageous,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

Well,  even  if  the  prices  was  awful  high,  they 
didn't  have  nothin'  on  our  seats.  If  I  was  in 
trainin'  to  be  a  steeple  jack  I'd  go  to  grand 
op'ra  every  night  and  leave  Hatch  buy  my 
ticket.  And  where  he  took  us  I'd  of  been  more 
at  home  in  overalls  and  a  sport  shirt. 

"How  do  you  like  Denver?"  says  I  to  the 
Missus,  but  she'd  sank  for  the  third  time. 

"We're  safe  here,"  I  says  to  Hatch.  "Them 
French  guns  can't  never  reach  us.  We'd  ought 
to  brought  more  bumbs." 

"What  did  the  seats  cost?"  I  says  to  Hatch. 

"One-fifty,"  he  says. 
10 


CARMEN 

"Very  reasonable,"  says  I.  "One  o*  them 
aviators  wouldn't  take  you  more  than  half  this 
height  for  a  five-spot." 

The  Hatches  had  their  overcoats  off  by  this 
time  and  I  got  a  look  at  their  full  costume. 
Hatch  had  went  without  his  vest  durin'  the  hot 
months  and  when  it  was  alongside  his  coat  and 
pants  it  looked  like  two  different  families.  He 
had  a  pink  shirt  with  prune-colored  horizontal 
bars,  and  a  tie  to  match  his  neck,  and  a  collar 
that  would  of  took  care  of  him  and  I  both,  and 
them  shoes  I  told  you  about,  and  burlap  ho- 
sierj^  They  wasn't  nothin'  the  matter  with 
jMrs.  Hatch  except  she  must  of  thought  that, 
instead  o'  dressin'  for  the  op'ra,  she  was  gettin' 
ready  for  Kenneth's  bath. 

And  there  was  my  Missus,  just  within  the 
law,  and  me  all  spicked  and  spanned  with  my 
soup  and  fish  and  gravy ! 

Well,  we  all  set  there  and  tried  to  get  the 

focus  till  about  a  half-hour  after  the  show  was 

billed  to  commence,  and  finally  a  Lilliputhian 

with  a  match  in  his  hand  come  out  and  started 

11 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

up  the  orcliestry  and  they  played  a  few  o'  the 
hits  and  then  the  lights  was  turned  out  and  up 
went  the  curtain. 

Well,  sir,  you'd  be  surprised  at  how  good 
we  could  hear  and  see  after  we  got  used  to  it. 
But  the  hearin'  didn't  do  us  no  good — that  is, 
the  words  part  of  it.  All  the  actors  had  been 
smuggled  in  from  Europe  and  they  wasn't 
none  o'  them  that  could  talk  English.  So  all 
their  songs  was  gave  in  diiFerent  languages 
and  I  wouldn't  of  never  knew  what  was  goin' 
on  only  for  Hatch  bavin'  all  the  nerve  in  the 
world. 

After  the  first  act  a  lady  that  was  settin'  in 
front  of  us  dropped  somethin'  and  Hatch 
stooped  over  and  picked  it  up,  and  it  was  one  o' 
these  here  books  they  call  a  liberetto,  and  it's 
got  all  the  words  they're  singin'  on  the  stage 
wrote  out  in  English. 

So  the  lady  begin  lookin'  all  over  for  it  and 
Hatch  was  goin'  to  give  it  back  because  he 
thought  it  was  a  shoe  catalogue,  but  he  hap- 
pened to  see  at  the  top  of  it  where  it  says  "Price 
12 


CARMEN 

25  Cents,"  so  he  tossed  it  in  his  lap  and  stuck 
his  hat  over  it.  And  the  lady  kept  lookin'  and 
lookin'  and  finally  she  turned  round  and  looked 
Hatch  right  in  the  eye,  but  he  dropped  down 
inside  his  collar  and  left  her  wear  herself  out. 
So  when  she'd  gave  up  I  says  somethin'  about 
I'd  like  to  have  a  drink. 

"Let's  go,"  says  Hatch. 

"No,"  I  says.  "I  don't  want  it  bad  enough 
to  go  back  to  town  after  it.  I  thought  maybe 
we  could  get  it  sent  up  to  the  room." 

"I'm  goin'  alone  then,"  says  Hatch. 

"You're  liable  to  miss  the  second  act,"  I  says. 

"I'd  never  miss  it,"  says  Hatch. 

"All  right,"  says  I.  "I  hope  you  have  good 
weather." 

So  he  slipped  me  the  book  to  keep  for  him 
and  beat  it.  So  I  seen  the  lady  had  forgot  us, 
and  I  opened  up  the  book  and  that's  how  I 
come  to  find  out  what  the  show  was  about.  I 
read  her  all  through,  the  part  that  was  in  Eng- 
lish, before  the  curtain  went  up  again,  so  .when 
the  second  act  begin  I  knowed  what  had  came 
13 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

off  and  what  was  comin'  oiF,  and  Hatch  and 
Mrs.  Hatch  hadn't  no  idear  if  the  show  was 
comical  or  dry.  My  Missus  hadn't,  neither,  till 
we  got  home  and  I  told  her  the  plot. 

Carmen  ain't  no  regular  musical  show  where 
a  couple  o'  Yids  comes  out  and  pulls  a  few  lines 
o'  dialogue  and  then  a  girl  and  a  he-flirt  sings 
a  song  that  ain't  got  nothin'  to  do  with  it. 
Carmen  s  a  regular  play,  only  instead  o'  them 
sayin'  the  lines,  they  sing  them,  and  in  for'n 
languages  so's  the  actors  can  pick  up  some  loose 
change  ofFen  the  sale  o'  the  liberettos.  The 
music  was  wrote  by  George  S.  Busy,  and  it 
must  of  kept  him  that  way  about  two  mont's. 
The  words  was  either  throwed  together  by  the 
stage  carpenter  or  else  took  down  by  a  stenog- 
rapher outdoors  durin'  a  drizzle.  Anyway, 
they  ain't  nobody  claims  them.  Every  oncet 
in  three  or  four  pages  they  forget  themself  and 
rhyme.  You  got  to  read  each  verse  over  two 
or  three  times  before  you  learn  what  they're 
hintin'  at,  but  the  management  gives  you 
14 


CARMEN 

plenty  o'  time  to  do  it  between  acts  and  still 
sneak  a  couple  o'  hours'  sleep. 

The  first  act  opens  up  somewheres  in  Spain, 
about  the  corner  o'  Chicago  Avenue  and  Wells. 
On  one  side  o'  the  stage  they's  a  pill  mill  where 
the  employees  is  all  girls,  or  was  girls  a  few 
years  ago.  On  the  other  side  they's  a  soldiers' 
garage  where  they  keep  the  militia  in  case  of 
a  strike.  In  the  back  o'  the  stage  they's  a 
bridge,  but  it  ain't  over  no  water  or  no  railroad 
tracks  or  nothin'.  It's  prob'ly  somethin'  the 
cat  dragged  in. 

Well,  the  soldiers  stands  out  in  front  o'  the 
garage  hittin'  up  some  barber  shops,  and  pretty 
soon  a  girl  blows  in  from  the  hero's  home  town, 
Janesville  or  somewheres.  She  runs  a  few  steps 
every  little  w'ile  and  then  stops,  like  the  rails 
was  slippery.  The  soldiers  sings  at  her  and 
she  tells  them  she's  came  to  look  for  Don  Joss 
that  run  the  chop-suey  dump  up  to  Janesville, 
but  when  they  shet  down  on  him  servin'  beer 
he  quit  and  joined  the  army.  So  the  soldiers 
never  heard  o'  the  bird,  but  they  all  ask  her 
15 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

if  they  won't  do  just  as  good,  but  she  says 
nothin'  doin'  and  skids  off  the  stage.  She  ain't 
no  sooner  gone  when  the  Chinaman  from 
Janesville  and  some  more  soldiers  and  some 
alley  rats  comes  in  to  help  out  the  singin'.  The 
book  says  that  this  new  gang  o'  soldiers  was 
sent  on  to  relieve  the  others,  but  if  anything 
happened  to  wear  out  the  first  ones  it  must  of 
took  place  at  rehearsal.  Well,  one  o'  the  boys 
tells  Joss  about  the  girl  askin'  for  him  and  he 
says:  "Oh,  yes ;  that  must  be  the  little  Michaels 
girl  from  up  in  Wisconsin." 

So  pretty  soon  the  whistle  blows  for  noon 
and  the  girls  comes  out  o'  the  pill  mill  smokin' 
up  the  mornin'  receipts  and  a  crowd  o'  the  un- 
employed comes  in  to  shoot  the  snipes.  So  the 
soldiers  notices  that  Genevieve  Farr'r  ain't  on 
yet,  so  they  ask  where  she's  at,  and  that's  her 
cue.  She  puts  on  a  song  number  and  a  Span- 
ish dance,  and  then  she  slips  her  bouquet  to 
the  Chink,  though  he  ain't  sang  a  note  since  the 
whistle  blowed.  But  now  it's  one  o'clock  and 
Genevieve  and  the  rest  o'  the  girls  beats  it  back 
16 


CARMEN 

to  the  coffin  factory  and  the  vags  chases  down 
to  the  Loop  to  get  the  last  home  edition  and 
look  at  the  want  ads  to  see  if  they's  any  jobs 
open  with  fair  pay  and  nothin'  to  do.  And  the 
soldiers  mosey  into  the  garage  for  a  well- 
earned  rest  and  tliat  leaves  Don  all  alone  on  the 
stage. 

But  he  ain't  no  more  than  started  on  his  next 
song  when  back  comes  the  Michaels  girl.  It 
oozes  out  here  that  she's  in  love  with  the  Joss 
party,  but  she  stalls  and  pretends  like  his 
mother'd  sent  her  to  get  the  receipt  for  makin' 
eggs  fo  yung.  And  she  says  his  mother  ast  her 
to  kiss  him  and  she  slips  him  a  dime,  so  he 
leaves  her  kiss  him  on  the  scalp  and  he  asks  her 
if  she  can  stay  in  town  that  evenin'  and  see  a 
nickel  show,  but  they's  a  important  meetin'  o' 
the  Maccabees  at  Janesville  that  night,  so  away 
she  goes  to  catch  the  two-ten  and  Don  starts 
in  on  another  song  number,  but  the  rest  o'  the 
company  don't  like  his  stuff  and  he  ain't  hardly 
past  the  vamp  when  they's  a  riot. 

It  seems  like  Genevieve  and  one  o'  the  chorus 
17 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

girls  has  quarreled  over  a  second-hand  stick  o' 
glim  and  the  chorus  girl  got  the  gum,  but  Gen- 
evieve relieved  her  of  part  of  a  earlobe,  so  they 
pinch  Genevieve  and  leave  Joss  to  watch  her 
till  the  wagon  comes,  but  the  wagon's  went  out 
to  the  night  desk  sergeant's  house  with  a  case 
o'  quarts  and  before  it  gets  round  to  pick  up 
Genevieve  she's  bunked  the  Chink  into  settin' 
her  free.  So  she  makes  a  getaway,  tellin'  Don 
to  meet  her  later  on  at  Lily  and  Pat's  place 
acrost  the  Indiana  line.  So  that  winds  up  the 
first  act. 

Well,  the  next  act's  out  to  Lily  and  Pat's, 
and  it  ain't  no  Y.  M.  C.  A.  headquarters,  but 
it's  a  hang-out  for  dips  and  policemans.  They's 
a  cabaret  and  Genevieve's  one  o'  the  perform- 
ers, but  she  forgets  the  words  to  her  first  song 
and  winds  up  with  tra-la-la,  and  she  could  of 
forgot  the  whole  song  as  far  as  I'm  concerned, 
because  it  wasn't  nothin'  you'd  want  to  buy  and 
take  along  home. 

Finally  Pat  comes  in  and  says  it's  one  o'clock 
and  he's  got  to  close  up,  but  they  won't  none 
18 


CARMEN 

o'  them  make  a  move,  and  pretty  soon  they's 
a  live  one  blows  into  the  joint  and  he's  Eskimo 
Bill,  one  o'  the  butchers  out  to  the  Yards.  He's 
got  paid  that  day  and  he  ain't  never  goin' 
home.  He  sings  a  song  and  it's  the  hit  o'  the 
show.  Then  he  buys  a  drink  and  starts  flirtin' 
with  Genevieve,  but  Pat  chases  everybody  but 
the  performers  and  a  couple  o'  dips  that  ain't 
got  nowheres  else  to  sleep.  The  dips  or  stick-up 
guys,  or  whatever  they  are,  tries  to  get  Gene- 
vieve to  go  along  with  them  in  the  car  w'ile 
they  pull  off  somethin',  but  she's  still  expectin' 
the  Chinaman.  So  they  pass  her  up  and  blow, 
and  along  comes  Don  and  she  lets  him  in,  and 
it  seems  like  he'd  been  in  jail  for  tw^o  mont's, 
or  ever  since  the  end  o'  the  first  act.  So  he 
asks  her  how  everything  has  been  goin'  down 
to  the  pill  mill  and  she  tells  him  that  she's 
quit  and  became  a  entertainer.  So  he  says, 
"What  can  you  do?"  And  she  beats  time 
with  a  pair  o'  chopsticks  and  dances  the  Chi- 
nese Blues. 

After  a  w'ile  they's  a  bugle  call  somewhere 
19 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

outdoors  and  Don  says  that  means  he's  got  to 
go  back  to  the  garage.  So  she  gets  sore  and 
tries  to  bean  him  with  a  Spanish  onion.  Then 
he  reaches  inside  his  coat  and  pulls  out  the  bou- 
quet she  give  him  in  Atto  First  to  show  her  he 
ain't  changed  his  clo'es,  and  then  the  sheriff 
comes  in  and  tries  to  coax  him  with  a  razor  to 
go  back  to  his  job.  They  fight  like  it  was  the 
first  time  either  o'  them  ever  tried  it  and  the 
sheriff's  leadin'  on  points  when  Genevieve  hol- 
lers for  the  dips,  who  dashes  in  with  their  gats 
pulled  and  it's  good  night.  Mister  Sheriff! 
They  put  him  in  moth  balls  and  they  ask  Joss 
to  join  their  tong.  He  says  all  right  and 
they're  all  pretty  well  lit  by  this  time  and 
they've  reached  the  singin'  stage,  and  Pat  can't 
get  them  to  go  home  and  he's  scared  some  o' 
the  Hammond  people'll  put  in  a  complaint,  so 
he  has  the  curtain  rang  down. 

Then  they's  a  relapse  of  it  don't  say  how 

long,  and  Don  and  Genevieve  and  the  yeggs 

and  their  lady  friends  is  all  out  in  the  country 

somewheres  attendin'  a  Bohunk  Sokol  Verein 

20 


CARMEN 

picnic  and  Don  starts  whinin'  about  his  old  lady 
that  he'd  left  up  to  Janesville. 

"I  wisht  I  was  back  there,"  he  says. 

"You  got  nothin'  on  me,"  says  Genevieve. 
"Only  Janesville  ain't  far  enough.  I  wisht  you 
was  back  in  Hongkong." 

So  w'ile  they're  flatterin'  each  other  back 
and  forth,  a  couple  o'  the  girls  is  monkeyin' 
with  the  pasteboards  and  tellin'  their  fortunes, 
and  one  o'  them  turns  up  a  two-spot  and  that's 
a  sign  they're  goin'  to  sing  a  duet.  So  it  comes 
true  and  then  Genevieve  horns  into  the  game 
and  they  play  three-handed  rummy,  singin'  all 
the  w'ile  to  bother  each  other,  but  finally  the 
fellas  that's  runnin'  the  picnic  says  it's  time  for 
the  fat  man's  one-legged  race  and  eveiybody 
goes  offen  the  stage.  So  the  Michaels  girl 
comes  on  and  is  gettin'  by  pretty  good  with  a 
song  when  she's  scared  by  the  noise  o'  the  gun 
that's  fired  to  start  the  race  for  the  bay-window 
championship.  So  she  trips  back  to  her  dressin'- 
room  and  then  Don  and  Eskimo  Bill  put  on  a 
little  slap-stick  stuff. 

21 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Wlien  they  first  meet  they're  pals,  but  as 
soon  as  they  get  wise  that  the  both  o'  them's 
bugs  over  the  same  girl  their  relations  to'rds 
each  other  becomes  strange.  Here's  the  talk 
they  spill: 

"Where  do  you  tend  bar?"  says  Don. 

"You  got  me  guessed  wrong,"  says  Bill.  "I 
work  out  to  the  Yards." 

"Got  anything  on  the  hip?"  says  Don. 

"You  took  the  words  out  o'  my  mouth,"  says 
Bill.    "I'm  drier  than  St.  Petersgrad." 

"Stick  round  a  w'ile  and  maybe  we  can  scare 
up  somethin',"  says  Don. 

"I'll  stick  all  right,"  says  Bill.  "They's  a 
Jane  in  your  party  that's  knocked  me  dead." 

"What's  her  name?"  says  Don. 

"Carmen,"  says  Bill,  Carmen  bein'  the  girl's 
name  in  the  show  that  Genevieve  was  takin' 
that  part. 

"Carmen !"  says  Joss.  "Get  oiFen  that  stuif  I 
I  and  Carmen's  just  like  two  pavin'  bricks." 

"I  should  worry!"  says  Bill.    "I  ain't  goin' 
to  run  away  from  no  rat-eater." 
22 


CARMEN 

"You're  a  rat-eater  yourself,  you  rat-eater!" 
says  Don. 

"I'll  rat-eat  you!"  says  Bill. 

And  they  go  to  it  with  a  carvin'  set,  but  they 
couldn't  neither  one  o'  them  handle  their  uten- 
sils. 

Don  may  of  been  all  right  slicin'  toad-stools 
for  the  suey  and  Bill  prob'ly  could  of  massa- 
creed  a  flock  o'  sheep  with  one  stab,  but  they 
was  all  up  in  the  air  when  it  come  to  stickin' 
each  other.    They'd  of  did  it  better  with  dice. 

Pretty  soon  the  other  actors  can't  stand  it 
no  longer  and  they  come  on  yellin'  "Fake!" 
So  Don  and  Bill  fold  up  their  razors  and  Bill 
invites  the  whole  bunch  to  come  out  and  go 
through  the  Yards  some  mornin'  and  then  he 
beats  it,  and  the  Michaels  girl  ain't  did  nothin' 
for  fifteen  minutes,  so  the  management  shoots 
her  out  for  another  song  and  she  sings  to  Don 
about  how  he  should  ought  to  go  home  on  ac- 
count of  his  old  lady  bein'  sick,  so  he  asks 
Genevieve  if  she  cares  if  he  goes  back  to  Janes- 
\ille. 

23 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Sure,  I  care,"  says  Genevieve.  "Go 
ahead!" 

So  the  act  winds  up  with  everybody  satisfied. 

The  last  act's  outside  the  Yards  on  the  Hal- 
sted  Street  end.  Bill's  ast  the  entire  company 
to  come  in  and  watch  him  croak  a  steer.  The 
scene  opens  up  with  the  crowd  buyin'  perfume 
and  smellin'  salts  from  the  guys  that's  got 
the  concessions.  Pretty  soon  Eskimo  Bill  and 
Carmen  drive  in,  all  dressed  up  like  a  horse. 
Don's  came  in  from  Wisconsin  and  is  hidin'  in 
the  bunch.  He's  sore  at  Carmen  for  not  meet- 
in'  him  on  the  Elevated  platform. 

He  lays  low  till  everybody's  went  inside, 
only  Carmen.  Then  he  braces  her.  He  tells 
her  his  old  lady's  died  and  left  him  the  laundry, 
and  he  wants  her  to  go  in  with  him  and  do  the 
ironin'. 

"Not  me!"  she  says. 

"What  do  you  mean — 'Not  me'?"  says  Don. 

"I  and  Bill's  goin'  to  run  a  kosher  market," 
she  says. 

24 


CARMEN 

Just  about  now  you  can  hear  noises  behind 
the  scenes  like  the  cattle's  gettin'  theirs,  so  Car- 
men don't  want  to  miss  none  of  it,  so  she  makes 
a  break  for  the  gate. 

"Wliere  you  goin'?"  says  Joss. 

"I  want  to  see  the  butcherin',"  she  says. 

"Stick  round  and  I'll  show  you  how  it's 
done,"  says  Joss. 

So  he  pulls  his  knife  and  makes  a  pass  at  her, 
just  foolin'.  He  misses  her  as  far  as  from  here 
to  Des  Moines.  But  she  don't  know  he's  kid- 
din'  and  she's  scared  to  death.  Yes,  sir,  she 
topples  over  as  dead  as  the  Federal  League. 

It  was  prob'ly  her  heart. 

So  now  the  whole  crowd  comes  dashin'  out 
because  they's  been  a  report  that  the  place  is 
infested  witli  the  hoof  and  mouth  disease.  They 
tell  Don  about  it,  but  he's  all  excited  over  Car- 
men dyin'.  He's  delirious  and  gets  himself 
mixed  up  with  a  Irish  policeman. 

"I  yield  me  prisoner,"  he  says. 

Then  the  house  doctor  says  the  cnrtain's  got 
25 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

to  come  down  to  prevent  the  epidemic  from 
spreadin'  to  the  audience.  So  the  show's  over 
and  the  company's  quarantined. 

Well,  Hatch  was  out  all  durin'  the  second 
act  and  part  o'  the  third,  and  when  he  finally 
come  back  he  didn't  have  to  tell  nobody  where 
he'd  been.  And  he  dozed  off  the  minute  he  hit 
his  seat.  I  was  for  lettin'  him  sleep  so's  the  rest 
o'  the  audience'd  think  we  had  one  o'  the  op'ra 
bass  singers  in  our  party.  But  Mrs.  Hatch 
wasn't  lookin'  for  no  publicity,  on  account  of 
her  costume,  so  she  reached  over  and  prodded 
him  with  a  hatpin  every  time  he  begin  a  new 
aria. 

Goin'  out,  I  says  to  him : 

"How'd  you  like  it?" 

"Pretty  good,"  he  says,  "only  they  was  too 
much  gin  in  the  last  one." 

"I  mean  the  op'ra,"  I  says. 

"Don't  ask  him!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "He 
didn't  hear  half  of  it  and  he  didn't  understand 
none  of  it." 

26 


CARMEN 

"Oh,  I  wouldn't  say  that,"  says  I.  "Jim 
here  ain't  no  boob,  and  they  wasn't  nothin'  hard 
about  it  to  understand." 

"Not  if  you  know  the  plot,"  says  Mrs. 
Hatch. 

"And  somethin'  about  music,"  says  my  INIis- 
sus. 

"And  got  a  little  knowledge  o'  French,"  says 
Mrs.  Hatch. 

"Was  that  French  thej^  was  sin  gin'?"  says 
Hatch.    "I  thought  it  was  Wop  or  ostrich." 

"That  sliows  you  up,"  says  his  Frau. 

Well,  when  we  got  on  the  car  for  home  they 
wasn't  only  one  vacant  seat  and,  o'  course. 
Hatch  had  to  have  that.  So  I  and  my  IMissus 
and  Mrs.  Hatch  clubbed  together  on  the  straps 
and  I  got  a  earful  o'  the  real  dope. 

"What  do  you  think  o'  Farr'r's  costumes?" 
says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"Heavenly!"  says  my  Missus.  "Specially 
the  one  in  the  second  act.  It  was  all  colors  o' 
the  rainbow." 

"Hatch  is  right  in  style  then,"  I  says. 
27 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"And  her  actin'  is  perfect,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"Her  voice  too,"  says  the  Wife. 

"I  liked  her  actin'  better,"  says  Mrs.  H. 
"I  thought  her  voice  yodeled  in  the  up-stairs 
registers." 

"What  do  you  suppose  killed  her?"  I  says. 

"She  was  stabbed  by  her  lover,"  says  the 
Missus. 

"You  wasn't  lookin',"  I  says.  "He  never 
touched  her.    It  was  prob'ly  tobacco  heart." 

"He  stabs  her  in  the  book,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"It  never  went  through  the  bindin',"  I  says. 

"And  wasn't  Mooratory  grand?"  says  the 
Wife. 

"Splendid!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "His  actin' 
and  singin'  was  both  grand," 

"I  preferred  his  actin',''  I  says.  "I  thought 
his  voice  hissed  in  the  down-stairs  radiators." 

This  give  them  a  good  laugh,  but  they  was 
soon  at  it  again. 

"And  how  sweet  Alda  was  I"  my  Missus  re- 
marks. 

"Which  was  her?"  I  ast  them. 
28 


CARMEN 

"The  good  girl,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "The 
girl  that  sung  that  beautiful  aria  in  Atto 
Three." 

"Atto  girl!"  I  says.  "I  liked  her  too;  the 
little  ]Michaels  girl.  She  came  from  Janes- 
ville." 

"She  did!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "How  do  you 
know?" 

So  I  thought  I'd  kid  them  along. 

"My  uncle  told  me,"  I  says.  "He  used  to 
be  postmaster  up  there." 

"What  uncle  was  that?"  says  my  wife. 

"He  ain't  really  my  uncle,"  I  says.  "We 
all  used  to  call  him  our  uncle  just  like  all  these 
here  singers  calls  the  one  o'  them  Daddy." 

"They  was  a  lady  in  back  o'  me,"  says  Mrs. 
Hatch,  "that  says  Daddy  didn't  appear  to- 
night." 

"Prob'ly  the  Missus'  night  out,"  I  says. 

"How'd  you  like  the  Tor'ador?"  says  Mrs. 
Hatch. 

"I  thought  she  moaned  in  the  chimney," 
says  I. 

29 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"It  wasn't  no  'she',"  says  the  Missus.  "We're 
talkin'  about  the  bull-fighter." 

"I  didn't  see  no  bull-fight,"  I  says. 

"It  come  off  behind  the  scenes,"  says  the 
Missus. 

"Wlien  was  you  behind  the  scenes?"  I  says. 

"I  wasn't  never,"  says  my  Missus,  "But 
that's  where  it's  supposed  to  come  off." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "you  can  take  it  from  me 
that  it  wasn't  pulled.  Do  you  think  the  may- 
or'd  stand  for  that  stuff  when  he  won't  even 
leave  them  stage  a  box  fight?  You  two  girls 
has  got  a  fine  idear  o'  this  here  op'ra!" 

"You  know  all  about  it,  I  guess,"  says  the 
IMissus.    "You  talk  French  so  good!" 

"I  talk  as  much  French  as  you  do,"  I  says. 
"But  not  nowheres  near  as  much  English,  if 
you  could  call  it  that." 

That  kept  her  quiet,  but  Mrs.  Hatch  buzzed 
all  the  way  home,  and  she  was  scared  to  death 
that  the  motorman  wouldn't  know  where  slie'd 
been  spendin'  the  evenin'.  And  if  there  was 
anybody  in  the  car  besides  me  that  knowed  Cdr- 
30 


CARMEN 

men  it  must  of  been  a  joke  to  them  hear  In'  her 
chatter.  It  wasn't  no  joke  to  me  though. 
Hatch's  berth  was  way  off  from  us  and  tliey 
didn't  nobody  suspect  him  o'  bein'  in  our  party. 
I  was  standin'  right  up  there  with  her  where 
people  couldn't  help  seein'  that  we  was  to- 
gether. 

I  didn't  want  them  to  think  she  was  my  wife. 
So  I  kept  smilin'  at  her.  And  when  it  finally 
come  time  to  get  off  I  hollered  out  loud  at 
Hatch  and  says : 

"All  right,  Hatch!  Here's  our  street.  Your 
Missus'll  keep  you  awake  the  rest  o'  the  way 
with  her  liberetto." 

"It  can't  hurt  no  more  than  them  hatpins," 
he  says. 

Well,  when  the  paper  come  the  next  mornin' 
my  Missus  had  to  grab  it  up  and  turn  right 
away  to  the  place  where  the  op'ras  is  wrote  up. 
Under  the  article  they  was  a  list  o'  the  ladies 
and  gents  in  the  boxes  and  what  they  wore,  but 
it  didn't  say  nothin'  about  what  the  gents  wore, 
only  the  ladies.  Prob'ly  the  ladies  happened  to 
31 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

have  the  most  comical  costmnes  that  night,  but 
I  bet  if  the  reporters  could  of  saw  Hatch  they 
would  of  gave  him  a  page  to  himself. 

"Is  your  name  there?"  I  says  to  the  Missus. 

"O'  course  not,"  she  says.  "They  wasn't 
none  o'  them  reporters  tall  enough  to  see  us. 
You  got  to  set  in  a  box  to  be  mentioned." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "you  don't  care  nothin'  about 
bein'  mentioned,  do  you?" 

"O'  course  not,"  she  says;  but  I  could  tell 
from  how  she  said  it  that  she  wouldn't  run 
down-town  and  horsewhip  the  editor  if  he  made 
a  mistake  and  printed  about  she  and  her  cos- 
tume; her  costume  wouldn't  of  et  up  all  the 
space  he  had  neither. 

"How  much  does  box  seats  cost?"  I  ast  her. 

"About  six  or  seven  dollars,"  she  says. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "let's  I  and  you  show  Hatch 
up." 

"What  do  you  mean?"  she  says. 

"I  mean  we  should  ought  to  return  the  com- 
phment,"  says  I.     "We  should  ought  to  give 
them  a  party  right  back."        "^ 
32 


CARMEN 

"We'd  be  broke  for  six  weeks,"  she  says. 

"Oh,  we'd  do  it  with  their  money  like  they 
done  it  with  ours,"  I  says. 

"Yes,"  she  says;  "but  if  you  can  ever  win 
enough  from  the  Hatches  to  buy  four  box  seats 
to  the  op'ra  I'd  rather  spend  the  money  on  a 
dress." 

"Who  said  anything  about  four  box  seats?" 
I  ast  her. 

"You  did,"  she  says. 

"You're  dehrious!"  I  says.  "Two  box  seats 
will  be  a  plenty." 

"Who's  to  set  in  them?"  ast  the  Missus. 

"Wlio  do  you  think?"  I  says.  "I  and  you  is 
to  set  in  them." 

"But  what  about  the  Hatches?"  she  says. 

"They'll  set  up  where  they  was,"  says  I. 
"Hatch  picked  out  the  seats  before,  and  if  he 
hadn't  of  wanted  that  altitude  he'd  of  bought 
somewheres  else." 

"Yes,"  says  the  Missus,  "but  Mrs.  Hatch 
won't  think  we're  very  pohte  to  plant  our 
guests  in  the  Alps  and  we  set  down  in  a  box." 
33 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"But  they  won't  know  where  we're  settin','* 
I  says.  "We'll  tell  them  we  couldn't  get  four 
seats  together,  so  for  them  to  set  where  they 
was  the  last  time  and  we're  goin'  elsewheres." 

"It  don't  seem  fair,"  says  my  wife. 

"I  should  worry  about  bein'  fair  with 
Hatch,"  I  says.  "If  he's  ever  left  with  more 
than  a  dime's  worth  o'  cards  you  got  to  look 
under  the  table  for  his  hand." 

"It  don't  seem  fair,"  says  the  Missus. 

"You  should  worry!"  I  says. 

So  we  ast  them  over  the  followin'  night  and 
it  looked  for  a  minute  like  we  was  goin'  to  clean 
up.  But  after  that  one  minute  my  Missus  be- 
gan collectin'  pitcher  cards  again  and  every 
card  Hatch  drawed  seemed  like  it  was  made  to 
his  measure.  Well,  sir,  when  we  was  through 
the  lucky  stiff  was  eight  dollars  to  the  good 
and  Mrs.  Hatch  had  about  broke  even. 

"Do  you  suppose  you  can  get  them  same 
seats?"  I  says. 

"What  seats?"  says  Hatch. 

"For  the  op'ra,"  I  says. 
M 


CARMEN 

"You  won't  get  me  to  no  more  op'ra,"  says 
Hatch.  "I  don't  never  go  to  the  same  show 
twicet." 

"It  ain't  the  same  show,  you  goof!"  I  says. 
"They  change  the  bill  every  day." 

"They  ain't  goin'  to  change  this  eight-dollar 
bill  o'  mine,"  he  says. 

"You're  a  fine  stiff!"  I  says. 

"Call  me  anything  you  want  to,"  says 
Hatch,  "as  long  as  you  don't  go  over  eight 
bucks'  worth." 

"Jim  don't  enjoy  op'ra,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"He  don't  enjoy  nothin'  that's  more  than  a 
nickel,"  I  says.  "But  as  long  as  he's  goin'  to 
welsh  on  us  I  hope  he  lavishes  the  eight-spot 
where  it'll  do  him  some  good." 

"I'll  do  what  I  want  to  with  it,"  says 
Hatch. 

"Sure  you  will!"  I  says.  "You'll  bury  it. 
But  what  you  should  ought  to  do  is  buy  two 
suits  o'  clo'es." 

So  I  went  out  in  the  kitchen  and  split  a  pint 
one  way. 

35 


OULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

But  don't  think  for  a  minute  that  I  and  the 
Missus  ain't  goin'  to  hear  no  more  op'ra  just 
because  of  a  cheap  stiff  like  him  welshin'.  I 
don't  have  to  win  in  no  rummy  game  before  I 
spend. 

We're  goin'  next  Tuesday  night,  I  and  the 
Missus,  and  we're  goin'  to  set  somewheres  near 
Congress  Street.  The  show's  Armour's  Do  Re 
Me,  a  new  one  that's  bein'  gave  for  the  first 
time.    It's  prob'ly  named  after  some  soap. 


THREE  KINGS  AND  A  PAIR 

Accordin'  to  some  authorities,  a  person,  be- 
fore they  get  married,  should  ought  to  look  up 
your  opponent's  family  tree  and  find  out  what 
all  her  relatives  died  of.  But  the  way  I  got  it 
figured  out,  if  you're  sure  they  did  die,  the  rest 
of  it  don't  make  no  difference.  In  exception- 
able cases  it  may  be  all  right  to  take  a  girl  that 
part  of  her  family  is  still  livin',  but  not  under 
no  circumstances  if  the  part  happens  to  be  a 
unmarried  sister  named  Bessie. 

We  was  expectin'  her  in  about  two  weeks, 
but  we  got  a  card  Saturday  mornin'  which  she 
says  on  it  that  she'd  come  right  away  if  it  was 
all  the  same  to  us,  because  it  was  the  dull  season 
in  Wabash  society  and  she  could  tear  loose  bet- 
ter at  the  present  time  than  later  on.  Well,  I 
guess  they  ain't  no  time  in  the  year  when  so- 
ciety in  Wabash  would  collapse  for  she  not 
bein'  there,  but  if  she  had  to  come  at  all,  the 
37 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

sooner  it  was  over  the  better.  And  besides,  it 
wouldn't  of  did  us  no  good  to  say  aye,  yes  or 
no,  because  the  postcard  only  beat  her  here  by 
a  few  hours. 

Not  havin'  no  idear  she  was  comin'  so  soon  I 
didn't  meet  the  train,  but  it  seems  like  she 
brought  her  escort  right  along  with  her.  It 
was  a  guy  named  Bishop  and  she'd  met  him  on 
the  trip  up.  The  news  butcher  introduced 
them,  I  guess.  He  seen  her  safe  to  the  house 
and  she  was  there  when  I  got  home.  Her  and 
my  ^lissus  was  full  of  him. 

"Just  think!"  the  Missus  says.  "He  writes 
motion-pitcher  plays." 

"And  gets  ten  thousand  a  year,"  says  Bess. 

"Did  you  find  out  from  the  firm?"  I  ast  her. 

"He  told  me  himself,"  says  Bessie. 

"That's  the  right  kind  o'  fella,"  says  I,  "open 
and  above  the  board." 

"Oh,  you'll  like  Mr.  Bishop,"  says  Bess. 
"He  says  such  funny  things." 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "that's  a  pretty  good  one 
about  the  ten  thousand  a  year.  But  I  suppose 
38 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

it's  funnier  when  he  tells  it  himself.    I  wisht  I 
could  meet  him." 

"They  won't  be  no  trouble  about  that,"  says 
the  ^lissus.  "He's  comin'  to  dinner  to-morrow 
and  he's  comin'  to  play  cards  some  evenin'  next 
week." 

"What  evenin'?"  I  says. 

"Any  evenin'  that's  convenient  for  you," 
says  Bessie. 

"Well,"  I  saj^s,  "I'm  sorry,  but  I  got  en- 
gagements every  night  except  Monday, 
Wednesday,  Thursday,  Friday  and  Satur- 
day." 

"What  about  Tuesday?"  ast  Bessie. 

"We're  goin'  to  the  op'ra,"  I  says. 

"Oh,  won't  that  be  grand!"  says  Bessie.  "I 
wonder  what  I  can  wear." 

"A  kimono'll  be  all  right,"  I  says.  "If  the 
door-bell  rings,  you  don't  have  to  answer  it." 

"Wliat  do  you  mean?"  says  the  JSIissus.  "I 
guess  if  we  go,  Bess'll  go  with  us." 

"You'd  starve  to  death  if  you  guessed  for  a 
livin',"  I  says. 

39. 


SGULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Never  mind  that  kind  o'  talk,"  says  the 
Missus.  "Wlien  we  got  a  visitor  we're  not 
goin'  out  places  nights  and  leave  her  here 
alone." 

"What's  the  matter  with  Bishop?"  I  says. 
"They's  lots  o'  two-handed  card  games." 

"I  ain't  goin'  to  force  myself  on  to  you," 
says  Bessie.  "You  don't  have  to  take  me  no- 
wheres  if  you  don't  want  to." 

"I  wisht  you'd  put  that  in  writin'  in  case  of  a 
lawsuit,"  I  says. 

"Listen  here,"  says  the  Frau.  "Get  this 
straight:  Either  Bess  goes  or  I  don't  go." 

"You  can  both  stay  home,"  says  I.  "I  don't 
anticipate  no  trouble  findin'  a  partner." 

"All  right,  that's  settled,"  says  the  IMissus. 
"We'll  have  a  party  of  our  own." 

And  it  must  of  been  goin'  to  be  a  dandy, 
because  just  speakin'  about  it  made  her  cry. 
So  I  says : 

"You  win!  But  I'll  prob'ly  have  to  change 
the  tickets." 

40 


THREE    KINGS    AND   A   PAIR 

"What  kind  o'  tickets  have  you  got?"  ast  the 
Missus. 

"Cheap  ones,"  I  says.  "Down-stairs,  five 
per." 

"How  grand!"  says  Bessie. 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "but  I'm  afraid  I  got  the  last 
two  they  had.  I'll  prob'ly  have  to  give  them 
back  and  take  three  balcony  seats." 

"That's  all  right,  just  so's  Bess  goes,"  says 
the  Wife. 

"Mr.  Bishop's  wild  about  music,"  says  Bes- 
sie. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "he  prob'ly  gets  passes  to  the 
pitcher  houses." 

"He  don't  hear  no  real  music  there,"  says 
Bessie. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "suppose  when  he  comes  to- 
morrow, I  mention  somethin'  about  I  and  the 
JMissus  havin'  tickets  to  the  op'ra  Tuesday 
night.  Then,  if  he's  so  wild  about  music,  he'll 
maybe  try  to  horn  into  the  party  and  split 
the  expenses  fifty-fifty." 
41 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"That'd  be  a  fine  thing!"  says  the  Frau. 
"He'd  think  we  was  a  bunch  o'  cheap  skates. 
Come  right  out  and  ask  him  to  go  at  your  ex- 
pense, or  else  don't  ask  him  at  all." 

"I  won't  ask  him  at  all,"  I  says.  "It  was  a 
mistake  for  me  to  ever  suggest  it." 

"Yes,"  says  Bessie,  "but  after  makin'  the 
suggestion  it  would  be  a  mean  trick  to  not  go 
through  with  it." 

"Why?"  I  ast  her.  "He  won't  never  know 
the  difference." 

"But  I  will,"  says  Bessie. 

"Course  you  would,  dear,"  says  the  Missus. 
"After  thinkin'  you  was  goin'  to  have  a  man 
of  your  own,  the  party  wouldn't  seem  like  no 
party  if  you  just  went  along  with  us." 

"All  right,  all  right,"  I  saj^s.  "Let's  not 
argue  no  more.  Every  time  I  open  my  head  it 
costs  three  dollars." 

"No  such  a  thing,"  says  the  Missus.  "The 
whole  business  won't  only  be  two  dollars  more 
than  you  figured  on.  The  tickets  you  had  for 
42 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

the  two  of  us  would  come  to  ten  dollars,  and 
with  Bess  and  ^Ir.  Bishop  goin'  it's  only 
twelve,  if  you  get  balcony  seats." 

"I  wonder,"  says  Bessie,  "if  jNIr.  Bishop 
wouldn't  object  to  settin'  in  the  balcony." 

"Maybe  he  would,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "if  he  gets  dizzy  and  falls 
over  the  railin'  they's  plenty  of  ushers  to  point 
out  where  he  come  from." 

"Thc}^  ain't  no  danger  of  him  gettin'  dizzy," 
says  Bessie.  "The  only  thing  is  that  he's 
prob'ly  used  to  settin'  in  the  high-priced  seats 
and  would  be  embarrassed  amongst  the  riff  and 
rafF." 

"He  can  wear  a  false  mustache  for  a  dis- 
guise." 

"He's  got  a  real  one,"  says  Bessie. 

"He  can  shave  it  off,  then,"  says  I. 

"I  wouldn't  have  him  do  that  for  the  world," 
says  Bessie.    "It's  too  nice  a  one." 

"You  can't  judge  a  mustache  by  seein'  it 
oncet,"  I  says.    "It  may  be  a  crook  at  heart." 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"This  ain't  gettin'  us  nowheres,"  says  the 
Missus.  "They's  still  a  question  before  the 
house." 

"It's  up  to  Bess  to  give  the  answer,"  I  says. 
"Bishop  and  his  lip  shield  are  invited  if  they'll 
set  in  a  three-dollar  seat." 

"It's  off,  then,"  says  Bessie,  and  beats  it  in 
the  guest  room  and  slams  the  door. 

"What's  the  matter  mth  you?"  says  the 
Missus. 

"Nothin'  at  all,"  I  says,  "except  that  I  ain't 
no  millionaire  scenario  writer.  Twenty  dollars 
is  twenty  dollars." 

"Yes,"  the  Missus  says,  "but  how  many 
times  have  you  lost  more  than  that  playin' 
cards  and  not  thought  nothin'  of  it?" 

"That's  different,"  I  says.  "When  I  spend 
money  in  a  card  game  it's  more  hke  a  invest- 
ment.   I  got  a  chance  to  make  somethin'  by  it." 

"And  this  would  be  a  investment,  too,"  says 
the  Wife,  "and  a  whole  lot  better  chance  o' 
winnin'  than  in  one  o'  them  crooked  card 
games." 

M 


THREE    KINGS    AND   A   PAIR 

"What  are  you  gettin'  at?"  I  ast  her. 

"This  is  what  I'm  gettin'  at,"  she  says, 
"though  you'd  ought  to  see  it  without  me  telHn' 
you.  This  here  Bishop's  made  a  big  hit  with 
Bess." 

"It's  been  done  before,"  says  I. 

"Listen  to  me,"  says  the  Frau.  "It's  high 
time  she  was  gettin'  married,  and  I  don't  want 
her  marryin'  none  o'  them  Hoosier  hicks." 

"They'll  see  to  that,"  I  says.  "They  ain't 
such  hicks." 

"She  could  do  a  lot  worse  than  take  this  here 
Bishop,"  the  Missus  says.  "Ten  thousand  a 
year  ain't  no  small  change.  And  she'd  be  here 
in  Chi;  maybe  they  could  find  a  flat  right  in 
this  buildin'." 

"That's  all  right,"  I  says.  "We  could 
move." 

"Don't  be  so  smart,"  says  the  Missus.  "It 
w^ould  be  mighty  nice  for  me  to  have  her  so  near 
and  it  would  be  nice  for  you  and  I  both  to  have 
a  rich  brother-in-law." 

"I  don't  know  about  that,"  says  I.  "Some- 
45 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

body  might  do  us  a  mischief  in  a  fit  o'  jealous 
rage." 

"He'd  show  us  enough  good  times  to  make 
up  for  whatever  they  done,"  says  the  Wife. 
"We're  foolish  if  we  don't  make  no  play  for 
him  and  it'd  be  startin'  off  right  to  take  him 
along  to  this  here  op'ra  and  set  him  in  the  best 
seats.  He  likes  good  music  and  j^ou  can  see 
he's  used  to  doin'  things  in  style.  And  besides, 
sis  looks  her  best  when  she's  dressed  up." 

Well,  I  finally  give  in  and  the  INIissus  called 
Bessie  out  o'  the  despondents'  ward  and  they 
was  all  smiles  and  pep,  but  they  acted  like  I 
wasn't  in  the  house ;  so,  to  make  it  realistical,  I 
blowed  down  to  Andy's  and  looked  after  some 
o'  my  other  investments. 

We  always  have  dinner  Sundays  at  one 
o'clock,  but  o'  course  Bishop  didn't  know  that 
and  showed  up  prompt  at  ten  bells,  before  I 
was  half-way  through  the  comical  section.  I 
had  to  go  to  the  door  because  the  ^lissus  don't 
never  put  on  her  shoes  till  she's  positive  the 
.46 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A    PAIR 

family  on  the  first  floor  is  all  awake,  and  Bessie 
was  baskin'  in  the  kind  o'  water  that  don't  come 
in  your  lease  at  Wabash. 

"Mr.  Bishop,  ain't  it?"  I  says,  lookin'  him 
straight  in  the  upper  lip. 

"How'd  you  know?"  he  says,  smilin'. 

"The  girls  told  me  to  be  expectin'  a  hand- 
some man  o'  that  name,"  I  says.  "And  they 
told  me  about  the  mustache." 

"Wouldn't  be  much  to  tell,"  says  Bishop. 

"It's  young  yet,"  I  says.  "Come  in  and  take 
a  weight  off  your  feet." 

So  he  picked  out  the  only  chair  we  got  that 
ain't  upholstered  with  flatirons  and  we  set 
down  and  was  tryin'  to  think  o'  somethin'  more 
to  say  when  Bessie  hollered  to  us  from  mid- 
channel. 

"Is  that  Mr.  Bishop?"  she  yelped. 

"It's  me,  ^liss  Gorton,"  says  Bishop. 

"I'll  be  right  out,"  says  Bess. 

"Take  it  easy,"  I  says.  "You  mightn't  catch 
cold,  but  they's  no  use  riskin'  it." 

So  then  I  and  Bishop  knocked  the  street-car 
47 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

service  and  President  Wilson  and  give  each 
other  the  double  O.  He  wasn't  what  you  could 
call  ugly  lookin',  but  if  you'd  come  out  in  print 
and  say  he  was  handsome,  a  good  lawyer'd  have 
you  at  his  mercy.  His  dimensions,  what  they 
was  of  them,  all  run  perpendicular.  He  didn't 
have  no  latitude.  If  his  collar  slipped  over  his 
shoulders  he  could  step  out  of  it.  If  they 
hadn't  been  payin'  him  all  them  millions  for 
pitcher  plays,  he  could  of  got  a  job  in  a  wire 
wheel.  They  wouldn't  of  been  no  difference  in 
his  photograph  if  you  took  it  with  a  X-ray  or 
a  camera.  But  he  had  hair  and  two  eyes  and  a 
mouth  and  all  the  rest  of  it,  and  his  clo'es  was 
certainly  class.  Why  wouldn't  they  be?  He 
could  pick  out  cloth  that  was  thirtj^  bucks  a 
yard  and  get  a  suit  and  overcoat  for  fifteen 
bucks.  A  umbrella  cover  would  of  made  him 
a  year's  pyjamas. 

Well,   I  seen  the  Missus  sneak   from  the 
kitchen  to  her  room  to  don  the  shoe  leather,  so 
I  got  right  down  to  business. 
48 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

"The  girls  tells  me  you're  fond  o'  good 
music,"  I  says. 

"I  love  it,"  says  Bishop. 

"Do  you  ever  take  in  the  op'ra?"  I  ast  him. 

"I  eat  it  up,"  he  says. 

"Have  you  been  this  year?"  I  says. 

"Pretty  near  every  night,"  says  Bishop. 

"I  should  think  you'd  be  sick  of  it,"  says  I. 

"Oh,  no,"  he  says,  "no  more'n  I  get  tired  o' 
food." 

"A  man  could  easy  get  tired  o'  the  same  kind 
o'  food,"  I  says. 

"But  the  op'ras  is  all  diiFerent,"  says  Bishop. 

"Different  languages,  maybe,"  I  says. 
"But  they're  all  music  and  singin'." 

"Yes,"  says  Bishop,  "but  the  music  and 
singin'  in  the  different  op'ras  is  no  more  alike 
than  lumbago  and  hives.  They  couldn't  be 
nothin'  diiFerenter,  for  instance,  than  Faust 
and  Madame  Buttermilk/' 

"Unlest  it  was  Scotch  and  chocolate  soda,"  I 
says. 

49 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"They's  good  op'ras  and  bad  op'ras,"  says 
OBishop. 

"Which  is  the  good  ones?"  I  ast  him. 

"Oh,"  he  says,  "Carmen  and  La  Bohe7nian 
Girl  and  III  Toreador/' 

"Carmen  s  a  bear  cat,"  I  says.  "If  they  was 
all  as  good  as  Carmen^  I'd  go  every  night.  But 
lots  o'  them  is  flivvers.  They  say  they  couldn't 
no  thin'  be  worse  than  this  Armours  Dee  Tree 
Beer 

"It  is  pretty  bad,"  says  Bishop.  "I  seen  it 
a  year  ago." 

Well,  I'd  just  been  readin'  in  the  paper 
where  it  was  bran'-new  and  hadn't  never  been 
gave  prev'ous  to  this  season.  So  I  thought  I'd 
have  a  little  sj^ort  with  Mr.  Smartenstein. 

"What's  it  about?"  I  says. 

He  stalled  a  w'ile. 

"It  ain't  about  much  of  anything,"  he  says. 

"It  must  be  about  somethin',"  says  I. 

"They  got  it  all  balled  up  the  night  I  seen 
it,"  says  Bishop.    "The  actors  forgot  their  lines 
and  a  man  couldn't  make  heads  or  tails  of  it." 
50 


THREE    KINGS    AND   A   PAIR 

"Did  they  sing  in  English?"  I  ast  him. 
"No;  Latin,"  says  Bishop. 
"Can  you  understand  Latin?"  I  says. 
"Sure,"  says  he.    "I'd  ought  to.    I  studied 
it  two  years." 

"What's  the  name  of  it  mean  in  Enghsh?" 

I  ast. 

"You  pronounce  the  Latin  wrong,"  he  says. 
"I  can't  parse  it  from  how  you  say  it.  If  I  seen 
it  wrote  out  I  could  tell." 

So  I  handed  him  the  paper  where  they  give 
the  op'ra  schedule. 

"That's  her,"  I  says,  pointin'  to  the  one  that 
was  billed  for  Tuesday  night. 

"Oh,  yes,"  says  Bishop.     "Yes,  that's  the 

?» 
one. 

"No  question  about  that,"  says  I.  "But 
what  does  it  mean?" 

"I  knowed  you  said  it  wrong,"  says  Bishop. 
"The  right  pronouncement  would  be:  L.  Ar- 
mour's Day  Trey  Bay.  No  wonder  I  was  puz- 
zled." 

"Now  the  puzzle's  solved,"  I  says.  "\Vhat 
51 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

do  them  last  three  words  mean?     Louie  Ar- 
mour's what?" 

"It  ain't  nothin'  to  do  with  Armour,"  says 
Bishop.  "The  first  word  is  the  Latin  for  love. 
And  Day  means  of  God,  and  Trey  means 
three,  and  Ray  means  Kings." 

"Oh,"  I  says,  "it's  a  poker  game.  The  fella's 
just  called  and  the  other  fella  shows  down  his 
hand  and  the  first  fella  had  a  straight  and 
thought  it  wasn't  no  good.  So  he's  su'prised 
to  see  what  the  other  fella's  got.  So  he  says: 
'Well,  for  the  love  o'  Mike,  three  kings !'  Only 
he  makes  it  stronger.    Is  that  the  dope?" 

"I  don't  think  it's  anything  about  poker," 
saj^s  Bishop. 

"You'd  ought  to  know,"  I  says.  "You  seen 
it." 

"But  it  was  all  jumbled  up,"  says  Bishop. 
"I  couldn't  get  the  plot." 

"Do  you  suppose  you  could  get  it  if  you  seen 
it  again?"  I  says. 

"I  wouldn't  set  through  it,"  he  says.  "It's 
no  good." 

52 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

Well,  sir,  I  thought  at  the  time  that  that  lit- 
tle speech  meant  a  savin'  of  eight  dollars,  be- 
cause if  he  didn't  go  along,  us  three  could  set 
amongst  the  riff  and  raff.  I  dropped  the  sub- 
ject right  there  and  was  goin'  to  tell  the  girls 
about  it  when  he'd  went  home.  But  the  INIissus 
crabbed  it  a  few  minutes  after  her  and  Bess 
come  in  the  room. 

"Did  you  get  your  invitation?"  says  she  to 
Bishop. 

"What  invitation?"  he  says. 

"My  husban'  was  goin'  to  ask  you  to  go 
with  us  Tuesday  night,"  she  says.  "Grand 
op'ra." 

"Bishop  won't  go,"  I  says.  "He's  already 
saw  the  play  and  says  it  ain't  no  good  and  he 
wouldn't  feel  like  settin'  through  it  again." 

"Why,  Mr.  Bishop !  That's  a  terrible  disap- 
pointment," says  the  Missus. 

"We  was  countin'  on  you,"  says  Bessie, 
chokin'  up. 

"It's  tough  luck,"  I  says,  "but  you  can't 
expect  things  to  break  right  all  the  w'ile." 
53 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Wouldn't  you  change  your  mind?"  says  the 
Missus. 

"That's  up  to  your  husban',"  says  Bishop. 
"I  didn't  understand  that  I  was  invited.  I 
should  certainly  hate  to  break  up  a  party,  and 
if  I'd  knew  I  was  goin'  to  be  ast  I  would 
of  spoke  different  about  the  op'ra.  It's 
prob'ly  a  whole  lot  better  than  when  I  seen 
it.  And,  besides,  I  surely  would  enjoy  your 
company." 

"You  can  enjoy  ourn  most  any  night  for 
nothin',"  I  says.  "But  if  you  don't  enjoy  the 
one  down  to  the  Auditorium,  they's  no  use  o' 
me  payin'  five  iron  men  to  have  you  bored  to 
death." 

"You  got  me  wrong,"  says  Bishop.  "The 
piece  was  gave  by  a  bunch  o'  supers  the  time  I 
went.  I'd  like  to  see  it  with  a  real  cast.  They 
say  it's  a  whiz  when  it's  acted  right." 

"There!"  says  the  Missus.  "That  settles  it. 
You  can  change  the  tickets  to-morrow." 

So  I  was  stopped  and  they  wasn't  no  more 
to  say,  and  after  a  w'ile  we  had  dinner  and  then 
54 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

I  seen  why  Bishop  was  so  skinny.  'Parently 
he  hadn't  tasted  fodder  before  for  a  couple  o' 
months. 

"It  must  keep  you  busy  writin'  them  scena- 
rios," I  says.    "No  time  to  eat  or  nothin'." 

"Oh,  I  eat  oncet  in  a  w'ile  even  if  I  don't  look 
it,"  he  says.  "I  don't  often  get  a  chance  at 
food  that's  cooked  like  this.  Your  wife's  some 
dandy  little  cook!" 

"It  runs  in  the  family,  I  guess,"  says  Bessie. 
"You'd  ought  to  taste  my  cookin'." 

"Maybe  he  will  some  day,"  says  the  ]\Iissus, 
and  then  her  and  Bessie  pretended  like  they'd 
made  a  break  and  was  embarrassed. 

So  when  he  was  through  I  says : 

"Leave  Bess  take  Bishop  out  in  the  kitchen 
and  show  him  how  she  can  wash  dishes." 

"Nothin'  doin,"  says  the  Wife.  "I'm  goin' 
to  stack  them  and  then  I  and  you's  got  to  hurry 
and  keep  our  date." 

"What  date?"  I  says. 

"Over  to  Hatch's,"  says  the  INIissus.  "You 
hadn't  forgotten,  had  you?" 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

"I  hadn't  forgot  that  the  Hatches  was  in 
Benton  Harbor,"  I  says. 

"Yes,"  says  the  Fran,  winkin'  at  me,  "but  I 
promised  Mrs.  Hatch  I'd  run  over  there  and 
see  that  everything  was  O.  K." 

So  I  wasn't  even  allowed  to  set  down  and 
smoke,  but  had  to  help  unload  the  table  and 
then  go  out  in  the  cold.  And  it  was  rotten 
weather  and  Sunday  and  nothin'  but  water, 
water  everywhere. 

"What's  the  idear?"  I  ast  the  Missus  when 
we  was  out. 

"Can't  you  see  nothin'?"  she  says.  "I  want 
to  give  Bess  a  chance." 

"Chance  to  what?"  I  says. 

"A  chance  to  talk  to  him,"  says  the  Wife. 

"Oh!"  says  I.  "I  thought  you  wanted  him 
to  get  stuck  on  her." 

"Wliat  do  you  think  of  him?"  says  she. 
"Wouldn't  he  fit  fine  in  the  family?" 

"He'd  fit  in  a  flute,"  I  says.  "He's  the  skin- 
niest thing  I  ever  seen.  It  seems  like  a  shame 
to  pay  five  dollars  for  a  seat  for  him  when  him 
56 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

and  Bessie  could  sit  in  the  same  seat  without 
contact." 

"He  is  slender,"  says  the  IMissus.  "Prob'ly 
they  been  starvin'  him  where  he  boards  at." 

"I  bet  they  wouldn't  starve  me  on  ten  thou- 
sand a  year,"  I  says.  "But  maybe  they  don't 
know  he's  at  the  table  or  think  he's  just  one 
o'  the  macaroni." 

"It's  all  right  for  you  to  make  jokes  about 
him,"  says  she,  "but  if  you  had  his  brains  we'd 
be  better  off." 

"If  I  had  his  brains,"  I  says,  "he'd  go  up  like 
a  balloon.  If  he  lost  an  ounce,  gravity 
wouldn't  have  no  effect  on  him." 

"You  don't  have  to  bulge  out  to  be  a  man," 
says  the  Missus.  "He's  smart  and  he's  rich  and 
he's  a  swell  dresser  and  I  don't  think  we  could 
find  a  better  match  for  Bess." 

"^latch  just  describes  him,"  says  I. 

"You're  too  cute  to  live,"  says  the  Wife. 
"But  no  matter  what  you  say,  him  and  Bess  is 
goin'  to  hit  it  off.    They're  just  suited  to  each 
other.    They're  a  ideal  pair." 
57 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

"You  win  that  argument,"  I  saj^s.  "They're 
a  pair  all  right,  and  they'd  make  a  great  hand 
if  you  was  playin'  deuces  wild." 

Well,  we  walked  round  till  our  feet  was  froze 
and  then  we  went  home,  and  Bishop  says  he 
would  have  to  go,  but  the  Missus  ast  him  to 
stay  to  supper,  and  when  he  made  the  remark 
about  havin'  to  go,  he  was  referrin'  to  one 
o'clock  the  next  mornin'.  And  right  after  sup- 
per I  was  gave  the  choice  o'  takin'  another  walk 
or  hittin'  the  hay. 

"Why  don't  we  play  cards?"  I  says. 

"It's  Sunday,"  says  the  JMissus. 

"Has  the  mayor  stopped  that,  too?"  I  says. 

But  she  winked  at  me  again,  the  old  flirt,  so 
I  stuck  round  the  kitchen  till  it  was  pretty  near 
time  to  wipe  the  dishes,  and  then  I  went  to  bed. 

Monday  noon  I  chased  over  to  the  Audito- 
rium and  they  was  only  about  eighty  in  line 
ahead  o'  me,  and  I  was  hopin'  the  house  would 
be  sold  out  for  a  week  before  I  got  up  to  the 
window.  While  I  was  markin'  time  I  looked 
at  the  pitchers  o'  the  different  actors,  hung  up 
58 


THREE    KINGS   AND   A   PAIR 

on  the  posts  to  advertise  some  kind  o'  hair  tonic. 
I  wisht  I  had  Bishop  along  to  tell  me  what  the 
diiFerent  names  meant  in  English.  I  suppose 
most  o'  them  meant  Goatee  or  Spinach  or 
Brush  or  Hedge  or  Thicket  or  somethin'.  Then 
they  was  the  girls'  pitchers,  too;  Genevieve 
Farr'r  that  died  in  the  Stockyards  scene  in 
Carmen,  and  Fanny  Alda  that  took  the  part 
o'  the  INIichaels  girl  from  Janesville,  and  ^lary 
Gardner,  and  Louise  Edviney  that  was  goin' 
to  warhle  for  us,  and  a  lot  more  of  all  ages  and 
one  size. 

Finally  I  got  up  to  the  ticket  agent's  cage 
and  then  I  didn't  only  have  to  wait  till  the 
three  women  behind  me  done  their  shoppin', 
and  then  I  hauled  out  my  two  tickets  and  ast 
the  agent  what  would  he  give  me  for  them. 

"Do  you  want  to  exchange  them?"  he  says. 

"I  did,"  says  I,  "but  I  heard  you  w^as  sold 
out  for  to-morrow  night." 

"Oh,  no,"  he  says  "we  got  plenty  o'  seats." 

"But  nothin'  down-stairs,  is  they?"  I  says. 

"Yes,"  he  says  "anj^vheres  you  want." 

m 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "if  you're  sure  you  can  spare 
them  I  want  four  in  the  place  o'  these  two." 

"Here's  four  nice  ones  in  the  seventh  row," 
says  he.    "It'll  be  ten  dollars  more." 

"I  ain't  partic'lar  to  have  them  nice,"  I  says. 

"It  don't  make  no  difference,"  says  he.  "The 
whole  doAvn-stairs  is  five  a  w^allop." 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "but  one  o'  the  four  that's 
gom'  is  a  little  skinny  fella  and  another's  a 
refuge  from  Wabash." 

"I  don't  care  if  they're  all  escapades  from 
Milford  Junction,"  he  says.  "We  ain't  runnin' 
no  Hoosier  Welfare  League." 

"You're  smart,  ain't  you?"  I  says. 

"I  got  to  be,"  says  the  agent. 

"But  if  you  was  a  little  smarter  you'd  be  this 
side  o'  the  cage  instead  o'  that  side,"  says  I. 

"Do  you  want  these  tickets  or  don't  you?" 
he  says. 

So  I  seen  he  didn't  care  for  no  more  verbal 
collisions  with  me,  so  I  give  him  the  two  tickets 
and  a  bonus  o'  ten  bucks  and  he  give  me  back 
60 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

four  pasteboards  and  throwed  in  a  envelope 
free  for  nothin'. 

I  passed  up  lunch  Tuesday  because  I  wanted 
to  get  home  early  and  have  plenty  o'  time  to 
dress.  That  was  the  idear  and  it  worked  out 
every  bit  as  successful  as  the  Peace  Ship.  In 
the  first  place,  I  couldn't  get  in  my  room  be- 
cause that's  where  the  ^ilissus  and  Bess  was 
makin'  up.  In  the  second  place,  I  didn't  need 
to  of  allowed  any  time  for  supper  because  there 
wasn't  none.  The  Wife  said  her  and  Bessie'd 
been  so  busy  with  their  clo'es  that  they'd  forgot 
a  little  thing  like  supper. 

"But  I  didn't  have  no  lunch,"  I  says. 

*'That  ain't  my  fault,"  says  the  JNIissus.  "Be- 
sides, we  can  all  go  somewheres  and  eat  after 
the  show." 

"On  who?"  I  says. 

"You're  givin'  the  party,"  says  she. 

"The  invitations  didn't  contain  no  clause 
about  the  inner  man,"  says  I.  "Furthermore, 
if  I  had  the  ten  dollars  back  that  I  spent  to- 
61 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

day  for  tickets,  I'd  have  eleven  dollars  alto- 
gether." 

"Well,"  says  the  Missus,  "maybe  Mr.  Bishop 
will  have  the  hunch." 

"He  will  if  his  hearin'  's  good,"  says  I. 

•Bishop  showed  up  at  six-thirty,  lookin' 
mighty  cute  in  his  waiter  uniform.  After  he'd 
came,  it  didn't  take  Bess  long  to  finish  her 
toilet.  I'd  like  to  fell  over  when  I  seen  her. 
Some  doll  she  was,  too,  in  a  fifty-meg  eve- 
nin'  dress  marked  down  to  thirty-seven.  I 
know,  because  I  had  helped  pick  it  out  for  the 
Missus. 

"My,  you  look  sweet !"  says  Bishop.  "That's 
a  beautiful  gown." 

"It's  my  favoright,"  says  Bessie. 

"It  don't  take  a  person  long  to  get  attached 
to  a  pretty  dress,"  I  says. 

The  Missus  hollered  for  me  to  come  in  and 
help  her. 

"I  don't  need  no  help,"  she  says,  "but  I 
didn't  want  you  givin'  no  secrets  away." 

"What  are  you  goin'  to  wear?"  says  I. 
62 


THREE    KINGS   AND    A   PAIR 

"Bess  had  one  that  just  fits  me,"  she  says. 
"She's  loanin'  it  to  me." 

"Her  middle  name's  Generous,"  I  says. 

"Don't  be  sarcastical,"  says  the  Missus.  "I 
want  sis  to  look  her  best  this  oncet." 

"And  I  supi^ose  it  don't  make  no  difference 
how  you  look,"  says  I,  "as  long  as  you  only  got 
me  to  please.  If  Bishop's  friends  sees  him  with 
Bessie  they'll  say:  'My!  he's  copped  out  a  big- 
leaguer.'  But  if  I  run  into  any  o'  my  pals 
they'll  think  I  married  the  hired  girl." 

"You  should  worry,"  says  the  Missus. 

"And  besides  that,"  I  says,  "if  you  succeed 
in  tyin'  Bishop  up  to  a  long-term  lease  he's 
bound  to  see  that  there  dress  on  you  some  time 
and  then  what'll  he  think?" 

"Bess  can  keep  the  gown,"  says  the  Missus. 
"I'll  make  her  give  me  one  of  her'n  for  it." 

"With  your  tradin'  ability,"  I  says,  "you'd 
ought  to  be  the  Cincinnati  Reds'  manager.  But 
if  you  do  give  the  dress  to  her,"  I  says,  "warn 
her  not  to  wear  it  in  Wabash — except  when 
the  marshal's  over  on  the  other  street." 
63 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Well,  we  was  ready  in  a  few  minutes,  because 
I'm  gettin'  used  to  the  soup  and  fish,  and  every- 
thing went  on  easy  owin'  to  my  vacuum,  and  I 
was  too  weak  to  shave;  and  the  Missus  didn't 
have  no  trouble  with  Bessie's  creation,  which 
was  built  like  the  Cottage  Grove  cars,  enter  at 
front. 

"I  don't  think  I'm  so  bad,"  says  the  Missus, 
lookin'  in  the  glass. 

"You'd  be  just  right,"  I  says,  "if  we  was 
goin'  to  the  annual  meetin'  o'  the  Woman's 
Guild." 

I  and  Bishop  had  a  race  gettin'  on  the  street- 
car.   I  was  first  and  he  won. 

"I  just  got  paid  to-day,"  he  says,  "and  I 
didn't  have  time  to  get  change." 

They  wasn't  only  one  seat.  Bess  took  it  first 
and  then  offered  it  to  the  Missus. 

"I'll  be  mad  at  you  if  you  don't  take  it,"  says 
Bess. 

But  the  wife  remained  standin'  and  Bessie 
by  a  great  effort  kept  her  temper. 
64 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

Goin'  into  the  theayter  we  passed  a  fella  that 
was  sellin'  liberettos. 

"I  bet  this  guy's  got  lots  o'  change,"  I  says. 

"Them  things  is  for  people  that  ain't  never 
saw  no  op'ra,"  says  Bishop. 

"I'm  goin'  to  have  one,"  I  saj^s. 

"Don't  buy  none  for  me,"  says  Bishop, 

"You  just  spoke  in  time,"  I  says. 

I  laid  down  a  quarter  and  grabbed  one  o'  the 
books. 

"It's  thirty-five  cents,"  says  the  guy. 

''Carmen  wasn't  only  a  quarter,"  I  says.  "Is 
this  show  better'n  Carmen?" 

"This  is  a  new  one,"  the  guy  says. 

"This  fella,"  I  says,  pointin'  to  Bishop,  "seen 
it  a  year  ago." 

"He  must  have  a  good  imagination,"  says 
the  guy. 

"No,"  I  says,  "he  writes  movin'-pitcher 
plays." 

I  give  up  a  extra  dime,  because  they  didn't 
seem  to  be  nothin'  else  to  do.  Then  I  handed 
over  my  tickets  to  the  fella  at  the  door  and  we 
65 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

was  took  right  down  amongst  the  high  poUoi. 
Say,  I  thought  the  dress  Bess  was  wearin'  was 
low ;  ought  to  been,  seein'  it  was  cut  down  from 
fifty  bucks  to  thirty-seven.  But  the  rest  o'  the 
gowns  round  us  must  of  been  sixty  per  cent, 
off. 

I  says  to  the  Missus : 

"I  bet  you  wisht  now  you  hadn't  swapped 
costumes." 

"Oh,  I  don't  know,"  slie  says.  "It's  chilly 
in  here." 

Well,  it  may  of  been  chilly  then,  but  not 
after  the  op'ra  got  goin'  good.  Carmen  was 
a  human  refrigerator  compared  to  the  leadin' 
lady  in  this  show.  Set  through  two  acts  and 
you  couldn't  hardly  believe  it  was  December. 

But  the  curtain  was  supposed  to  go  up  at 
eight-ten,  and  it  wasn't  only  about  that  time 
when  we  got  there,  so  they  was  over  half  a  hour 
to  kill  before  the  show  begin.  I  looked  in  my 
program  and  seen  the  real  translation  o'  the 
title.  The  Love  o'  Three  Kings,  it  says,  and 
66 


THREE    KINGS    AND   A   PAIR 

no  "of  God"  to  it.  I'd  of  knew  anyway,  when 
I'd  read  the  plot,  that  He  didn't  have  nothin'  to 
do  with  it. 

I  listened  a  w'ile  to  Bishop  and  Bess. 

"And  you've  saw  all  the  op'ras?"  she  ast  him. 

"Most  o'  them,"  he  says. 

"How  grand !"  says  Bessie.  "I  wisht  I  could 
see  a  lot  o'  them." 

"Well,"  he  says,  "you're  goin'  to  be  here  for 
some  time." 

"Oh,  JMr.  Bishop,  I  don't  want  you  throwin' 
all  your  money  away  on  me,"  she  says. 

"I  don't  call  it  throwin'  money  away,"  says 
Bishop. 

"I  wouldn't  neither,"  I  says.  "I'd  say 
Bishop  was  muscle-bound." 

They  didn't  pay  no  attention  to  me. 

"What  ones  would  you  like  to  see?"  he  ast 
her. 

"Wliat  are  youi-  favorights?"  says  Bess. 

"Oh,"  says  Bishop,  "I've  saw  them  all  so 
many  times  that  it  don't  really  make  no  differ- 
67 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

ence  to  me.  Sometimes  they  give  two  the  same 
night,  two  short  ones,  and  then  you  ain't  so 
liable  to  get  bored." 

Saturday  nights  is  when  they  usually  give 
the  two,  and  Saturday  nights  they  cut  the 
prices.    This  here  Bishop  wasn't  no  boob. 

"One  good  combination,"  he  says,  "is  Polly 
^Archer  and  Cavalier  Busticana.  They're  both 
awful  pretty." 

"Oh,  I'd  love  to  see  them,"  says  Bessie. 
"What  are  they  like?" 

So  he  says  Polly  Archer  was  a  leadin'  lady  in 
a  stock  company  and  the  leadin'  man  and  an- 
other fella  was  both  stuck  on  her  and  she  loved 
one  o'  them — I  forget  which  one;  whichever 
wasn't  her  husbun' — and  they  was  a  place  in 
one  o'  their  shows  where  the  one  that  was  her 
husbun'  was  supposed  to  get  jealous  and  stab 
she  and  her  lover,  just  actin',  but,  instead  o' 
just  pretendin',  this  one  night  he  played  a  joke 
on  them  and  done  the  stabbin'  in  earnest,  and 
they  was  both  killed.  Well,  that'd  be  a  good 
one  to  see  if  you  happened  to  be  there  the  night 
68 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A   PAIR 

he  really  kills  them ;  otherwise,  it  sounds  pretty 
tame.  And  Bishop  also  told  her  ahoiit  Cavalier 
Rusticana  that  means  Rural  Free  Delivery  in 
English,  and  I  didn't  get  the  plot  only  that  the 
mail  carrier  flirts  with  one  o'  the  farmers'  wives 
and  o'  course  the  rube  spears  him  with  a  pitch- 
fork. The  state's  attorneys  must  of  been  on 
the  jump  all  the  w'ile  in  them  days. 

Finally  the  orchestra  was  all  in  their  places 
and  an  old  guy  with  a  beard  come  out  in  front 
o'  them. 

"That's  the  conductor,"  says  Bishop. 

"He  looks  like  he'd  been  a  long  time  with  the 
road,"  I  says. 

Then  up  went  the  curtain  and  the  thermom- 
eter. 

The  scene's  laid  in  Little  Italy,  but  you  can't 
see  nothin'  when  it  starts  off  because  it's  sup- 
posed to  be  just  before  mornin'.  Prettj^  soon 
one  o'  the  tliree  kings  comes  in  with  a  grouch. 
He's  old  and  blind  as  a  bat  and  he  ain't  slept 
good  and  he's  sore  at  the  conductor  on  account 
69 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

o'  the  train  bein'  a  half -hour  late,  and  the  con- 
ductor's jealous  of  him  because  his  beard's 
longer,  and  Archibald,  that's  the  old  king's 
name,  won't  sing  what  the  orchestra's  playin', 
but  just  snarls  and  growls,  and  the  orchestra 
can't  locate  what  key  he's  snarlin'  in,  so  they 
don't  get  along  at  all,  and  finally  Flamingo, 
that's  the  old  king's  chauffeur,  steers  him  ofF'n 
the  stage. 

Acrost  on  the  other  side  o'  the  stage  from 
where  they  go  off  they's  a  bungalow,  and  out 
of  it  comes  Flora  and  another  o'  the  kings,  a 
young  fella  with  a  tenor  voice  named  Veto. 
They  sing  about  what  a  fine  mornin'  it  is  in 
.Wop  and  she  tells  him  he'd  better  fly  his  kite 
before  Archibald  catches  him. 

It  seems  like  she's  married  to  Ai'chibald's 
son,  Fred,  but  o'  course  she  likes  Veto  better 
or  it  wouldn't  be  no  op'ra.  Her  and  Veto  was 
raised  in  the  same  ward  and  they  was  oncet  en- 
gaged to  be  married,  but  Archibald's  gang 
trimmed  Veto's  in  a  big  roughhouse  one  night 
and  Flora  was  part  o'  the  spoils.  .\Vhen  Archi- 
70 


THREE    KINGS    AND   A   PAIR 

bald  seen  how  good  she  could  fix  spaghett'  he 
was  bound  she'd  stick  in  the  family,  so  he  give 
her  the  choice  o'  bein'  killed  or  marryin'  his  boy, 
so  she  took  Fred  but  didn't  really  mean  it  in 
earnest.  So  Veto  hangs  round  the  house  a  lot, 
because  old  Archibald's  blind  and  Fred's  gen- 
erally always  on  the  road  with  the  Erie  section 
gang. 

But  old  Archibald's  eyes  bein'  no  good,  his 
ears  is  so  much  the  better,  even  if  he  don't  some- 
times keep  with  the  orchestra,  so  he  comes  back 
on  the  stage  just  after  Veto's  went  and  he  hears 
Flora  tryin'  to  snoop  back  in  her  bungalow. 

"Who  was  you  talkin'  to?"  he  says. 

"Myself,"  says  Flora. 

"Great  stuff!"  says  Archibald.  "Up  and 
outdoors  at  five  a.  m.  to  talk  to  yourself!  Feed 
that  to  the  goldfish!" 

So  she  ain't  got  him  fooled  for  a  minute,  but 
w'ile  they're  arguin'  Fred  blows  in.  So  Archi- 
bald don't  say  nothin'  about  his  superstition  be- 
cause he  ain't  sure,  so  Fred  and  his  ^lissus  goes 
in  the  bungalow  to  have  breakfast  and  Archi- 
71 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

bald  stays  on  the  stage  quarrelin'  with  the  con- 
ductor. 

If  Fred  was  eatin'  all  through  the  intermis- 
sion, he  must  of  been  as  hungry  as  me,  because 
it  was  plain  forty  minutes  before  the  second  act 
begin.  Him  and  Flora  comes  out  o'  their  house 
and  Fred  says  he's  got  to  go  right  away  again 
because  they's  a  bad  wash-out  this  side  o'  Hunt- 
ington. He  ain't  no  sooner  gone  than  Veto's 
back  on  the  job,  but  Flora's  kind  o'  sorry  for 
her  husbun',  and  Veto  don't  get  the  reception 
that  a  star  ought  to  expect. 

"Why  don't  you  smile  at  me?"  he  says. 

So  she  says : 

"It  don't  seem  proper, 'dearie,  with  a  husbun' 
on  the  Erie." 

But  before  long  she  can't  resist  his  high  notes 
and  the  next  five  or  ten  minutes  is  a  love  scene 
between  the  two,  and  they  was  a  couple  o'  times 
when  I  thought  the  management  would  ring 
down  the  asbestos  curtain.  Finally  old  Archi- 
bald snoops  back  on  the  stage  with  Flamingo, 
and  Veto  runs,  but  Archie  hears  him  and  it's 
72 


THREE   KINGS   AND   A   PAIR 

good  night.  The  old  boy  gives  Flora  the  third 
degree  and  she  owns  up,  and  then  Flamingo 
says  that  Fred's  comin'  back  to  get  his  dinner 
pail.  So  Archibald  insists  on  knowin'  the  fel- 
la's name  that  he  heard  him  runnin'  away,  but 
Flora's  either  forgot  it  or  else  she's  stubborn, 
so  Archie  looses  his  temper  and  wrings  her 
neck.  So  when  Fred  arrives  he  gets  the  su'- 
prise  of  his  life  and  finds  out  he's  a  widow. 

"I  slayed  her,"  says  Archibald.  "She  wasn't 
no  good." 

"She  was  the  best  cook  we  ever  had,"  says 
Fred.    "What  was  the  matter  with  her?" 

"She  had  a  gentleman  friend,"  says  his  old 
man. 

Well,  so  far,  they's  only  one  dead  and  nothin' 
original  about  how  it  was  pulled.  You  can  go 
over  to  the  Victoria  and  see  any  number  o' 
throttlin's  at  fifty  cents  for  the  best  seats.  So 
it  was  up  to  the  management  to  get  a  wallop 
into  the  last  act.  It  took  them  pretty  near 
forty  minutes  to  think  of  it,  but  it  was  good 
when  it  come. 

73 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

The  scene  is  Colosimo's  undertakin'  rooms 
and  Flora's  ruins  is  laid  out  on  the  counter. 
All  the  Wops  from  her  ward  stand  round 
singin'  gospel  hymns. 

Wlien  they've  beat  it  Veto  approaches  the 
bier  bar  and  wastes  some  pretty  fair  singin'  on 
the  late  Flora.  Then  all  of  a  sudden  he  leans 
over  and  gives  her  a  kiss.  That's  all  for  Veto. 
You  see,  Old  Fox  Archibald  had  figured  that 
the  bird  that  loved  her  would  pull  somethin' 
like  this  and  he'd  doped  out  a  way  to  learn  who 
he  was  and  make  him  regret  it  at  the  same 
time,  besides  springin'  some  bran'-new  stuff  in 
the  killin'  line.  So  he's  mixed  up  some  rat 
poison  and  garlic  and  spread  it  on  the  lips  of 
his  fair  daughter-in-law. 

Wile  Veto's  dyin'  Fred  comes  in  and  finds 
him. 

"So  it  was  you,  was  it?"  he  says. 

"I'm  the  guy,"  says  Veto. 

"Well,"  says  Fred,  "this'll  learn  you  a  les- 
son, you  old  masher,  you!" 

"I'll  mash  you  in  a  minute,"  says  Veto,  but 
74 


THREE    KINGS   AND    A   PAIR 

^  the  way  he  was  now,  he  couldn't  of  mashed 
turnij)s. 

"I  kissed  her  last,  anyway,"  says  Veto. 

"You  think  you  did!"  says  Fred,  and  helps 
himself  to  the  garlic. 

So  Veto's  dead  and  Fred's  leanin'  over  the 
counter,  dyin',  when  Archibald  wabbles  in.  He 
finds  his  way  up  to  Fred  and  grabs  a  hold  of 
him,  thinkin'  it's  the  stranger. 

"Lay  ofF'n  me,  pa,"  says  Fred.  "This  ain't 
the  other  bird.  He's  dead  and  it's  got  me, 
too." 

"Well,"  says  the  old  man,  "that'd  ought  to 
satisfy  them.  But  it's  pretty  tough  on  the 
Erie." 

"How  grand!"  says  Bess  when  it  was  over. 

"But  it  leaves  j^ou  with  a  bad  taste,"  says 
Bishop. 

"And  a  big  appetite,"  I  says. 

"Did  that  old  man  kill  them  all?"  ast  the 
Missus. 

"All  but  hisself  and  Flamingo,"  says  I. 
75 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"What  was  he  mad  at?"  says  she. 

"He  was  drove  crazy  by  hunger,"  I  says. 
"His  wife  and  his  sister-in-law  and  her  fella 
was  stai*vin'  him  to  death." 

"Bein'  blind,  he  prob'ly  spilled  things  at  ta- 
ble," says  the  ^lissus.  "Blind  men  sometimes 
has  trouble  gettin'  their  food." 

"The  trouble  ain't  confined  to  the  blind," 
says  I. 

When  we  got  outside  I  left  Bess  and  Bishop 
lead  the  way,  hopin'  they'd  head  to'rds  a  steak 
garage. 

"No  hurry  about  gettin'  home,"  I  hollered 
to  them.    "The  night's  still  young  yet." 

Bishop  turned  round. 

"Is  they  any  good  eatin'  places  out  by  your 
place?"  he  says. 

I  thought  I  had  him. 

"Not  as  good  as  down-town,"  says  I,  and  I 
named  the  Loop  restaurants. 

"How's  the  car  service  after  midnight?"  he 
says. 

"Grand!"  says  I.    "All  night  long." 
76 


THREE    KINGS    AND    A    PAIR 

I  wondered  where  he  would  take  us.  Him 
and  Bess  crossed  the  avenue  and  stopped  where 
the  crowd  was  waitin'  for  south-bound  cars. 

"He's  got  some  favorite  place  a  ways  south," 
says  the  Missus. 

A  car  come  and  I  and  her  dumb  aboard. 
We  looked  back  just  in  time  to  see  Bessie  and 
Bishop  wavin'  us  farewell. 

"They  missed  the  car,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Yes,"  I  says,  "and  they  was  just  as  anxious 
to  catch  it  as  if  it'd  been  the  leprosy." 

"Never  mind,"  says  the  Missus.  "If  he 
wants  to  be  alone  with  her  it's  a  good  sign." 

"I  can't  eat  a  sign,"  says  I. 

"We'll  stop  at  The  Ideal  and  have  a  little 
supper  of  our  own,"  she  says. 

"We  won't,"  says  I. 

"Why  not?"  says  the  Missus. 

"Because,"  I  says,  "they's  exactly  thirty-five 
cents  in  my  pocket.  And  ofFerin'  my  stomach 
seventeen  and  a  half  cents'  worth  o'  food  now 
would  be  just  about  like  sendin'  one  blank  cart- 
ridge to  the  Russian  army." 
77 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"I  think  they's  some  crackers  in  the  house," 
she  says. 

"Prob'ly,"  says  I.  "We're  usually  that  way 
— overstocked.  You  don't  seem  to  realize  that 
our  household  goods  is  only  insured  for  a  thou- 
sand." 

About  one  o'clock  I  went  to  sleep  from  sheer 
weakness.  About  one-thirty  the  Missus  shook 
me  and  woke  me  up. 

"We  win,  Joe!"  she  says,  all  excited.  "I 
think  Bishop  and  Bess  is  engaged!" 

"Win!"  says  I.  "Saj^  if  you  was  a  French- 
man you'd  have  a  big  celebration  every  anni- 
versary o'  the  Battle  o'  Waterloo." 

"I  was  goin'  out  in  the  kitchen  to  get  a 
drink,"  she  says.  "Bess  was  home,  but  I  didn't 
know  it.  And  when  I  was  comin'  back  from 
the  kitchen  I  happened  to  glance  in  the  livin'- 
room.  And  I  seen  Bishop  kiss  her!  Isn't  it 
great!" 

"Yes,"  I  says.     "But  I  wisht  she'd  of  had 
Archibald  fix  up  her  lips." 
78 


GULLIBLE'S  TRAVELS 


I  PROMISED  the  Wife  that  if  anybody  ast  me 
what  kind  of  a  time  did  I  have  at  Palm  Beach 
I'd  say  I  had  a  swell  time.  And  if  they  ast  me 
who  did  we  meet  I'd  tell  'em  everybody  that 
was  worth  meetin'.  And  if  they  ast  me  didn't 
the  trip  cost  a  lot  I'd  say  Yes;  but  it  was  worth 
the  money.  I  promised  her  I  wouldn't  spill 
none  o'  the  real  details.  But  if  you  can't  break 
a  promise  you  made  to  j^our  own  wife  what 
kind  of  a  promise  can  you  break?  Answer  me 
that,  Edgar. 

I'm  not  one  o'  these  kind  o'  people  that'd 
keep  a  joke  to  themself  just  because  the  joke 
was  on  them.  But  they's  plenty  of  our  friends 
that  I  wouldn't  have  'em  hear  about  it  for  the 
world.  I  wouldn't  tell  you,  only  I  know  you're 
not  the  village  gossip  and  won't  crack  it  to  any- 
body. Not  even  to  your  own  Missus,  see?  I 
don't  trust  no  women. 
79 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

It  was  along-  last  January  when  I  and  the 
Wife  was  both  hit  by  the  society  bacillus.  I 
think  it  was  at  the  opera.  You  remember  me 
tellin'  you  about  us  and  the  Hatches  goin'  to 
Carmen  and  then  me  takin'  my  Missus  and 
her  sister,  Bess,  and  four  of  one  suit  named 
Bishop  to  see  The  Three  Kings?  Well,  I'll 
own  up  that  I  enjoyed  wearin'  the  soup  and 
fish  and  minglin'  amongst  the  high,  polloi  and 
pretendin'  we  really  was  somebody.  And  I 
know  my  wife  enjoyed  it,  too,  though  they  was 
nothin'  said  between  us  at  the  time. 

The  next  stage  was  where  our  friends  wasn't 
good  enough  for  us  no  more.  We  used  to  be 
tickled  to  death  to  spend  an  evenin'  playin' 
rummy  with  the  Hatches.  But  all  of  a  sudden 
they  didn't  seem  to  be  no  fun  in  it  and  when 
Hatch'd  call  up  we'd  stall  out  of  it.  From  the 
number  o'  times  I  told  him  that  I  or  the  Mis- 
sus was  tired  out  and  goin'  right  to  bed,  he 
must  of  thought  we'd  got  jobs  as  telephone 
linemen. 

We  quit  attendin'  pitcher  shows  because  the 
80 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

rest  o'  the  audience  wasn't  the  kind  o'  people 
you'd  care  to  mix  with.  We  didn't  go  over 
to  Ben's  and  dance  because  they  wasn't  no  class 
to  the  crowd  there.  About  once  a  week  we'd 
beat  it  to  one  o'  the  good  hotels  down-town, 
all  dressed  up  like  a  horse,  and  have  our  dinner 
with  the  rest  o'  the  E-light.  They  wasn't  no- 
body talked  to  us  only  the  waiters,  but  we 
could  look  as  much  as  we  liked  and  it  was  sport 
tryin'  to  guess  the  names  o'  the  gang  at  the 
next  table. 

Then  we  took  to  readin'  the  society  news  at 
breakfast.  It  used  to  be  that  I  didn't  waste 
time  on  nothin'  but  the  market  and  sportin' 
pages,  but  now  I  pass  'em  up  and  listen  w'ile 
the  INIissus  rattled  off  what  was  doin'  on  the 
Lake  Shore  Drive. 

Every  little  w'ile  we'd  see  where  So-and-So 
was  at  Palm  Beach  or  just  goin'  there  or  just 
comin'  back'.    We  got  to  kiddin'  about  it. 

"Well,"  I'd  say,  "we'd  better  be  startin' 
pretty  soon  or  we'll  miss  the  best  part  o'  the 
season." 

81 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Yes,"  the  Wife'd  say  back,  "we'd  go  right 
now  if  it  wasn't  for  all  them  engagements  next 
week." 

We  kidded  and  kidded  till  finally,  one  night, 
she  forgot  we  was  just  kiddin'. 

"You  didn't  take  no  vacation  last  summer," 
she  says. 

"No,"  says  I.  "They  wasn't  no  chance  to 
get  away." 

"But  you  promised  me,"  she  says,  "that 
you'd  take  one  this  winter  to  make  up  for  it." 

"I  know  I  did,"  I  says;  "but  it'd  be  a  sucker 
play  to  take  a  vacation  in  weather  like  this." 

"The  weather  ain't  like  this  every wheres," 
she  says. 

"You  must  of  been  goin'  to  night  school,"  I 
says. 

"Another  thing  you  promised  me,"  says  she, 
"was  that  when  you  could  afford  it  you'd  take 
me  on  a  real  honeymoon  trip  to  make  up  for 
the  dinky  one  we  had." 

"That  still  goes,"  I  says,  "when  I  can  afford 
it." 

82 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"You  can  afford  it  now,"  says  she.  "We 
don't  owe  nothin'  and  we  got  money  in  the 
bank." 

"Yes,"  I  says.  "Pretty  close  to  three  hun- 
dred bucks." 

"You  forgot  somethin',"  she  saj^s.  "You 
forgot  them  war  babies." 

Did  I  tell  you  about  that?  Last  fall  I  done 
a  little  dabblin'  in  Crucial  Steel  and  at  this 
time  I'm  tellin'  you  about  I  still  had  a  hold  of 
it,  but  stood  to  pull  down  six  hundred.  Not 
bad,  eh? 

"It'd  be  a  mistake  to  let  loose  now,"  I  says. 

"All  right,"  she  says.  "Hold  on,  and  I  hope 
you  lose  every  cent.  You  never  did  care  noth- 
in' for  me." 

Then  we  done  a  little  spoonin'  and  then  I 
ast  her  what  was  the  big  idear. 

"We  ain't  swelled  on  ourself,"  she  says;  "but 
I  know  and  you  know  that  the  friends  we  been 
'associatin'  with  ain't  in  our  class.  They  don't 
know  how  to  dress  and  they  can't  talk  about 
nothin'  but  their  goldfish  and  their  meat  bills. 
83 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

They  don't  try  to  get  nowheres,  but  all  they 
do  is  play  rummy  and  take  in  the  Majestic. 
I  and  you  like  nice  people  and  good  music 
and  things  that's  worth  w'ile.  It's  a  crime  for 
us  to  be  wastin'  our  time  with  riiF  and  raff 
that'd  run  round  barefooted  if  it  wasn't  for  the 
police." 

"I  wouldn't  say  we'd  wasted  much  time  on 
'em  lately,"  I  says. 

*'No,"  says  she,  "and  I've  had  a  better  time 
these  last  three  weeks  than  I  ever  had  in  my 
Hfe." 

"And  you  can  keep  right  on  havin'  it," 
I  says. 

"I  could  have  a  whole  lot  better  time,  and 
you  could,  too,"  she  says,  "if  we  could  get  ac- 
quainted with  some  congenial  people  to  go 
round  with ;  people  that's  tastes  is  the  same  as 
ourn." 

"If  any  o'  them  people  calls  up  on  the 
phone,"  I  says,  "I'll  be  as  pleasant  to  'em  as 
I  can." 

"You're  always  too  smart,"  says  the  Wife. 
84 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"You  don't  never  pay  attention  to  no  schemes 
o'  mine." 

"What's  the  scheme  now?" 

"You'll  find  fault  with  it  because  I  thought 
it  up,"  she  says.  "If  it  was  your  scheme  you'd 
think  it  was  grand." 

"If  it  really  was  good  you  wouldn't  be  scared 
to  spring  it,"  I  says. 

"Will  you  promise  to  go  through  with  it?" 
says  she. 

"If  it  ain't  too  ridic'lous,"  I  told  her. 

"See !    I  knowed  that'd  be  the  wa}^"  she  says. 

"Don't  talk  crazy,"  I  says.  "Wliere'd  we 
be  if  we'd  went  through  with  every  plan  you 
ever  sprang?" 

"Will  you  promise  to  listen  to  my  side  of  it 
without  actin'  cute?"  she  saj^^s. 

So  I  didn't  see  no  harm  in  goin'  that  far. 

"I  want  you  to  take  me  to  Palm  Beach," 
says  she.  "I  want  you  to  take  a  vacation,  and 
that's  where  we'll  spend  it." 

"And  that  ain't  all  we'd  spend,"  I  says. 

"Remember  youi*  promise,"  says  she. 
85 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

So  I  shut  up  and  listened. 

The  dope  she  give  me  was  along  these  lines : 
We  could  get  special  round-trip  rates  on  any 
o'  the  railroads  and  that  part  of  it  wouldn't 
cost  nowheres  near  as  much  as  a  man'd  natu- 
rally think.  The  hotel  rates  was  pretty  steep, 
but  the  meals  was  throwed  in,  and  just  imagine 
what  them  meals  would  be !  And  we'd  be  stay- 
in'  under  the  same  roof  with  the  Vanderbilts 
and  Goulds,  and  eatin'  at  the  same  table,  and 
probably,  before  we  was  there  a  week,  callin' 
'em  Steve  and  Gus.  They  was  dancin'  every 
night  and  all  the  guests  danced  with  each  other, 
and  how  would  it  feel  f ox-trottin'  with  the  pres- 
ident o'  the  B.  &  O.,  or  the  Delmonico  girls 
from  New  York!  And  all  Chicago  society 
was  down  there,  and  when  we  met  'em  we'd 
know  'em  for  life  and  have  some  real  friends 
amongst  'em  when  we  got  back  home. 

That's  how  she  had  it  figured  and  she  must 
of  been  practisin'  her  speech,  because  it  cer- 
tainly did  sound  good  to  me.  To  make  it  short, 
I  fell,  and  dated  her  up  to  meet  me  down-town 
86 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

the  next  day  and  call  on  the  railroad  bandits. 
The  first  one  we  seen  admitted  that  his  was 
the  best  route  and  that  he  wouldn't  only  soak 
us  one  hundred  and  forty-seven  dollars  and 
seventy  cents  to  and  from  Palm  Beach  and 
back,  includin'  an  apartment  from  here  to 
Jacksonville  and  as  many  stop-overs  as  we 
wanted  to  make.  He  told  us  we  wouldn't  have 
to  write  for  no  hotel  accommodations  because 
the  hotels  had  an  agent  right  over  on  Madison 
Street  that'd  be  glad  to  do  everything  to  us. 

So  we  says  we'd  be  back  later  and  then  we 
beat  it  over  to  the  Florida  East  Coast's  local 
studio. 

"How  much  for  a  double  room  by  the  week?" 
I  ast  the  man. 

"They  ain't  no  weekly  rates,"  he  says.  "By 
the  day  it'd  be  twelve  dollars  and  up  for  two 
at  the  Breakers,  and  fourteen  dollars  and  up 
at  the  Poinciana." 

"I  like  the  Breakers  better,"  says  I. 

"You  can't  get  in  there,"  he  says.  "They're 
full  for  the  season." 

87 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"That's  a  long  spree,"  I  says. 

"Can  we  get  in  the  other  hotel?"  ast  the  Wife. 

"I  can  find  out,"  says  the  man. 

"We  want  a  room  with  bath,"  says  she. 

"That'd  be  more,"  says  he.  "That'd  be  fif- 
teen dollars  or  sixteen  dollars  and  up." 

"What  do  we  want  of  a  bath,"  I  says,  "with 
the  whole  Atlantic  Ocean  in  the  front  yard?" 

"I'm  afraid  you'd  have  trouble  gettin'  a 
bath,"  says  the  man.  "The  hotels  is  both  o' 
them  pretty  well  filled  up  on  account  o'  the 
war  in  Europe." 

"What's  that  got  to  do  with  it?"  I  ast  him. 

"A  whole  lot,"  he  says.  "The  people  that 
usually  goes  abroad  is  all  down  to  Palm  Beach 
this  winter." 

"I  don't  see  why,"  I  says.  "If  one  o'  them 
U-boats  hit  'em  they'd  at  least  be  gettin'  their 
bath  for  nothin'." 

We  left  him  with  the  understandin'  that  he 

was  to  wire  down  there  and  find  out  what  was 

the  best  they  could  give  us.     We  called  him 

up  in  a  couple  o'  days  and  he  told  us  we  could 

88 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

have  a  double  room,  without  no  bath,  at  the 
Poinciana,  beginnin'  the  fifteenth  o'  February. 
He  didn't  know  just  what  the  price  would  be. 

Well,  I  fixed  it  up  to  take  my  vacation  start- 
in'  the  tenth,  and  sold  out  my  Crucial  Steel, 
and  divided  the  spoils  with  the  railroad  com- 
pany. We  decided  we'd  stop  off  in  St.  Au- 
gustine two  days,  because  the  INIissus  found  out 
somewheres  that  they  might  be  two  or  three 
o'  the  Four  Hundred  lingerin'  there,  and  we 
didn't  want  to  miss  nobody. 

"Now,"  I  says,  "all  we  got  to  do  is  set  round 
and  wait  for  the  tenth  o'  the  month." 

"Is  that  so!"  says  the  Wife.  "I  suppose 
you're  perfectly  satisfied  with  your  clo'es." 

"I've  got  to  be,"  I  says,  "unless  the  Salvation 
Army  has  somethin'  that'll  fit  me." 

"What's  the  matter  with  our  charge  ac- 
count?" she  says. 

"I  don't  like  to  charge  nothin',"  I  says, 
"when  I  know  they  ain't  no  chance  of  ever 
payin'  for  it." 

"All  right,"  she  says,  "then  we're  not  goin' 
89 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

to  Palm  Beach.  I'd  rather  stay  home  than  go 
down  there  lookin'  like  general  housework." 

"Do  you  need  clo'es  yourself?"  I  ast  her. 

"I  certainly  do,"  she  says.  "About  two  hun- 
dred dollars'  worth.  But  I  got  one  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars  o'  my  own." 

"All  right,"  I  says.  "I'll  stand  for  the  other 
fifty  and  then  we're  all  set." 

"No,  we're  not,"  she  says.  "That  just  fixes 
me.    But  I  want  you  to  look  as  good  as  I  do." 

"Nature '11  see  to  that,"  I  says. 

But  they  w  as  no  arguin'  with  her.  Our  trip, 
she  says,  was  an  investment;  it  was  goin'  to 
get  us  in  right  with  people  worth  w'ile.  And 
we  wouldn't  have  a  chance  in  the  world  unless 
we  looked  the  part. 

So  before  the  tenth  come  round,  we  was  long 
two  new  evenin'  gowns,  two  female  sport  suits, 
four  or  five  pairs  o'  shoes,  all  colors,  one  Tux- 
edo dinner  coat,  three  dress  shirts,  half  a  dozen 
other  kinds  o'  shirts,  two  pairs  o'  transparent 
white  trousers,  one  new  business  suit  and  Lord 
knows  how  much  underwear  and  how  many 
90 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

hats  and  stockln's.  And  I  had  till  the  fifteenth 
o'  March  to  pay  off  the  mortgage  on  the  old 
homestead. 

Just  as  we  was  gettin'  ready  to  leave  for  the 
train  the  phone  rung.  It  was  ^Mrs.  Hatch  and 
she  wanted  us  to  come  over  for  a  little  rummy. 
I  was  shavin'  and  the  ^Missus  done  the  talkin'. 

"What  did  you  tell  her?"  I  ast. 

"I  told  her  we  was  goin'  away,"  says  the 
Wife. 

"I  bet  you  forgot  to  mention  where  we  was 
goin',"  I  says. 

"Pay  me,"  says  she. 


II 

I  thought  we  was  in  Venice  when  we  woke 
up  next  mornin',  but  the  porter  says  it  was  just 
Cairo,  Illinois.  The  river'd  went  crazy  and  I 
bet  they  wasn't  a  room  without  a  bath  in  that 
old  burg. 

As  we  set  do^vn  in  the  diner  for  breakfast 
the  train  was  goin'  acrost  the  longest  bridge 
91 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

I  ever  seen,  and  it  looked  like  we  was  so  near 
the  water  that  you  could  reach  right  out  and 
grab  a  handful.    The  Wife  was  a  little  wabbly. 

"I  wonder  if  it's  really  safe,"  she  says. 

"If  the  bridge  stays  up  we're  all  right," 
says  I. 

"But  the  question  is,  Will  it  stay  up?"  she 
says. 

"I  wouldn't  bet  a  nickel  either  way  on  a 
bridge,"  I  says.  "They're  treacherous  little 
devils.  They'd  cross  you  as  quick  as  they'd 
cross  this  river." 

"The  trainmen  must  be  nervous,"  she  says. 
"Just  see  how  we're  draggin'  along." 

"They're  givin'  the  fish  a  chance  to  get  off  en 
the  track,"  I  says.  "It's  against  the  law  to 
spear  fish  with  a  cowcatcher  this  time  o'  year." 

Well,  the  Wife  was  so  nervous  she  couldn't 
eat  nothin'  but  toast  and  coffee,  so  I  figured 
I  was  justified  in  goin'  to  the  prunes  and  steak 
and  eggs. 

After  breakfast  we  went  out  in  what  they 
call  the  sun  parlor.    It  was  a  glassed-in  room 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

on  the  tail-end  o'  the  rear  coach  and  it  must 
of  been  a  pleasant  place  to  set  and  watch  the 
scenery.  But  they  was  a  gang  o'  missionaries 
or  somethin'  had  all  the  seats  and  they  never 
budged  out  o'  them  all  day.  Every  time  they'd 
come  to  a  crossroads  they'd  toss  a  stack  o'  Bible 
studies  out  o'  the  back  window  for  the  southern 
heathen  to  pick  up  and  read.  I  suppose  they 
thought  they  was  doin'  a  lot  o'  good  for  their 
fellow  men,  but  their  fellow  passengers  mean- 
w'ile  was  gettin'  the  worst  of  it. 

Speakin'  o'  the  scenery,  it  certainly  was 
somethin'  grand.  First  we'd  pass  a  few  pine 
trees  with  fuzz  on  'em  and  then  a  couple  o'  acres 
o'  yellow  mud.  Then  they'd  be  more  pine  trees 
and  more  fuzz  and  then  more  yellow  mud.  And 
after  a  w'ile  we'd  come  to  some  pine  trees  with 
fuzz  on  'em  and  then,  if  we  watched  close,  we'd 
see  some  yellow  mud. 

Every  few  minutes  tlie  train'd  stop  and  then 
start  up  again  on  low.  That  meant  the  engi- 
neer suspected  he  was  comin'  to  a  station  and 
was  scared  that  if  he  run  too  fast  he  wouldn't 
93 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

see  it,  and  if  he  run  past  it  without  stoppin' 
the  inliabitants  wouldn't  never  forgive  him. 
You  see,  they's  a  regular  schedule  o'  duties 
that's  followed  out  by  the  more  prominent  citi- 
zens down  those  parts.  After  their  wife's  at- 
tended to  the  chores  and  got  the  breakfast  they 
roll  out  o'  bed  and  put  on  their  overalls  and 
eat.  Then  they  get  on  their  horse  or  mule  or 
cow  or  dog  and  ride  down  to  the  station  and 
wait  for  the  next  train.  When  it  comes  they 
have  a  contest  to  see  which  can  count  the  pas- 
sengers first.  The  losers  has  to  promise  to 
work  one  day  the  followin'  month.  If  one  fella 
loses  three  times  in  the  same  month  he  gener- 
ally always  kills  himself. 

All  the  towns  has  got  five  or  six  private  res- 
idences and  seven  or  eight  two-apartment 
buildin's  and  a  grocery  and  a  post-office.  They 
told  me  that  somebody  in  one  o'  them  burgs, 
I  forget  which  one,  got  a  letter  the  day  before 
we  come  through.    It  was  misdirected,  I  guess. 

The  two-apartment  buildin's  is  constructed 
on  the  ground  floor,  with  a  porch  to  divide  one 
94i 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

flat  from  the  other.  One's  the  housekeepin' 
side  and  the  other's  just  a  place  for  the  hus- 
band and  father  to  lay  round  in  so's  they  won't 
be  disturbed  by  watchin'  the  women  work. 

It  was  a  blessin'  to  them  boys  when  their 
states  went  dry.  Just  tliink  what  a  strain  it 
must  of  been  to  keep  liftin'  glasses  and  huntin' 
in  their  overalls  for  a  dime! 

In  the  afternoon  the  ^lissus  went  into  our 
apartment  and  took  a  nap  and  I  moseyed  into 
the  readin'-room  and  looked  over  some  o'  the 
comical  magazines.  They  was  a  fat  guy  come 
in  and  set  next  to  me.  I'd  heard  him,  in  at 
lunch,  tellin'  the  dinin'-car  conductor  what 
Wilson  should  of  done,  so  I  wasn't  su'prised 
when  he  opened  up  on  me. 

"Tiresome  trip,"  he  says. 

I  didn't  think  it  was  worth  w'ile  arguin'  with 
him. 

"^lust  of  been  a  lot  o'  rain  through  here," 
he  says. 

"Either  that,"  says  I,  "or  else  the  sprinklin' 
wagon  run  shy  o'  streets." 
95 


GtJLLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

He  laughed  as  much  as  it  was  worth. 

"Wliere  do  you  come  from?"  he  ast  me. 

"Dear  old  Chicago,"  I  says. 

"I'm  from  St.  Louis,"  he  says. 

"You're  frank,"  says  I. 

"I'm  really  as  much  at  home  one  place  as 
another,"  he  says.  "The  Wife  likes  to  travel 
and  why  shouldn't  I  humor  her?" 

"I  don't  know,"  I  says.  "I  haven't  the 
pleasure." 

"Seems  like  we're  goin'  all  the  w'ile,"  says 
he.  "It's  Hot  Springs  or  New  Orleans  or 
Florida  or  Atlantic  City  or  California  or  some- 
wheres." 

"Do  you  get  passes?"  I  ast  him. 

"I  guess  I  could  if  I  wanted  to,"  he  says. 
"Some  o'  my  best  friends  is  way  up  in  the  rail- 
road business." 

"I  got  one  like  that,"  I  says.  "He  gener- 
ally stands  on  the  fourth  or  fifth  car  behind  the 
engine." 

"Do  you  travel  much?"  he  ast  me. 

"I  don't  live  in  St.  Louis,"  says  I. 
96 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"Is  this  your  first  trip  south?"  he  ast. 

*'0h,  no,"  I  says.  "I  live  on  Sixty-fifth 
Street." 

"I  meant,  have  you  ever  been  down  this  way 
before?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  says  I.  "I  come  down  every  win- 
ter." 

"Where  do  you  go?"  he  ast. 

That's  what  I  was  layin'  for. 

"Palm  Beach,"  says  I. 

"I  used  to  go  there,"  he  says.  "But  I've  cut 
it  out.  It  ain't  like  it  used  to  be.  They  leave 
everybody  in  now." 

"Yes,"  I  says;  "but  a  man  don't  have  to  mix 
up  with  'em." 

"You  can't  just  ignore  people  that  comes  up 
and  talks  to  you,"  he  says. 

"Are  you  bothered  that  way  much?"  I  ast. 

"It's  what  drove  me  away  from  Palm 
Beach,"  he  says. 

"How  long  since  you  been  there?"  I  ast  him. 

"How  long  you  been  goin'  there?"  he  says. 

"Me?"  says  I.    "Five  years." 
97 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"We  just  missed  each  other,"  says  he.  "I 
quit  six  j^ears  ago  this  winter." 

"Then  it  couldn't  of  been  there  I  seen  you," 
says  I.  "But  I  know  I  seen  you  somewheres 
before." 

"It  might  of  been  most  anywheres,"  he  says. 
"They's  few  places  I  haven't  been  at." 

"Maybe  it  was  acrost  the  pond,"  says  I. 

"Very  likely,"  he  says.  "But  not  since  the 
war  started.  I  been  steerin'  clear  of  Europe 
for  two  j^ears." 

"So  have  I,  for  longer'n  that,"  I  says. 

"It's  certainly  an  awful  thing,  this  war," 
says  he. 

"I  believe  you're  right,"  says  I;  "but  I 
haven't  heard  nobody  express  it  just  that  way 
before." 

"I  only  hope,"  he  says,  "that  we  succeed  in 
keepin'  out  of  it." 

"If  we  got  in,  would  you  go?"I  ast  him. 

"Yes,  sir,"  he  says. 

"You  wouldn't  beat  me,"  says  I.    "I  bet  I'd 
reach  Brazil  as  quick  as  you." 
98 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"Oh,  I  don't  think  they'd  be  any  action  in 
Soutli  America,"  he  says.  "We'd  fight  defen- 
sive at  first  and  most  of  it  would  be  along  the 
Atlantic  Coast." 

"Then  maybe  we  could  get  accommodations 
in  Yellowstone  Park,"  says  I. 

"They's  no  sense  in  this  country  gettin'  in- 
volved," he  says.  "Wilson  hasn't  handled  it 
right.  He  either  ought  to  of  went  stronger 
or  not  so  strong.    He's  wrote  too  many  notes." 

"You  certainly  get  right  to  the  root  of  a 
thing,"  says  I.  "You  must  of  thought  a  good 
deal  about  it." 

"I  know  the  conditions  pretty  well,"  he  says. 
"I  know  how  far  you  can  go  with  them  people 
over  there.  I  been  amongst  'em  a  good  part 
o'  the  time." 

"I  suppose,"  says  I,  "that  a  fella  just  nat- 
urally don't  like  to  butt  in.  But  if  I  was  you 
I'd  consider  it  my  duty  to  romp  down  to  Wash- 
ington and  give  'em  all  the  information  I  had." 

"Wilson  picked  his  own  advisers,"  says  he. 
"Let  him  learn  his  lesson." 
99 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"That  ain't  hardly  fair,"  I  says.  "Maybe 
you  was  out  o'  town,  or  your  phone  was  busy 
or  somethin'." 

"I  don't  know  Wilson  nor  he  don't  know 
me,"  he  says. 

"That  oughtn't  to  stop  you  frorri  helpin'  him 
out,"  says  I.  "If  you  seen  a  man  drownin' 
would  you  wait  for  some  friend  o'  the  both  o' 
you  to  come  along  and  make  the  introduction?" 

"They  ain't  no  comparison  in  them  two 
cases,"  he  says.  "Wilson  ain't  never  called  on 
me  for  help." 

"You  don't  know  if  he  has  or  not,"  I  says. 
"You  don't  stick  in  one  place  long  enough  for 
a  man  to  reach  you." 

"My  office  in  St.  Louis  always  knows  where 
I'm  at,"  says  he.  "My  stenographer  can  reach 
me  any  time  within  ten  to  twelve  hours." 

"I  don't  think  it's  right  to  have  this  coun- 
try's whole  future  dependin'  on  a  St.  Louis 
stenographer,"  I  says. 

"That's  nonsense!"  says  he.  "I  ain't  makin' 
no  claim  that  I  could  save  or  not  save  this  coun- 
100 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

try.  But  if  I  and  Wilson  was  acquainted  I 
might  tell  him  some  facts  that'd  help  him  out 
in  his  foreign  policy." 

*'Well,  then,"  I  says,  "it's  up  to  you  to  get 
acquainted.  I'd  introduce  you  myself  only  I 
don't  know  your  name." 

"My  name's  Gould,"  says  he;  "but  you're 
not  acquainted  with  Wilson." 

"I  could  be,  easy,"  says  I.  "I  could  get  on 
a  train  he  was  goin'  somewheres  on  and  then 
go  and  set  beside  him  and  begin  to  talk.  Lots 
o'  people  make  friends  that  way." 

It  was  gettin'  along  to'rd  supper-time,  so  I 
excused  myself  and  went  back  to  the  apart- 
ment. The  Missus  had  woke  up  and  wasn't 
feelin'  good. 

"What's  the  matter?"  I  ast  her. 

"This  old  train,"  she  says.  "I'll  die  if  it 
don't  stop  goin'  round  them  curves." 

"As  long  as  the  track  curves,  the  best  thing 
the  train  can  do  is  curve  with  it,"  I  says.  "You 
may  die  if  it  keeps  curvin',  but  you'd  die  a 
101 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

whole  lot  sooner  if  it  left  the  rails  and  went 
straight  ahead." 

"What  you  been  doin'?"  she  ast  me. 

"Just  talkin'  to  one  o'  the  Goulds,"  I  says. 

"Gould!"  she  says.    "What  Gould?" 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I  didn't  ask  him  his  first 
name,  but  he's  from  St.  Louis,  so  I  suppose 
it's  Ludwig  or  Heinie." 

"Oh,"  she  says,  disgusted.  "I  thought  you 
meant  one  o'  the  real  ones." 

"He's  a  real  one,  all  right,"  says  I.  "He's 
so  classy  that  he's  passed  up  Palm  Beach.  He 
says  it's  gettin'  too  common." 

"I  don't  believe  it,"  says  the  Wife.  "And 
besides,  we  don't  have  to  mix  up  with  every- 
body." 

"He  says  they  butt  right  in  on  you,"  I  told 
her. 

"They'll  get  a  cold  reception  from  me,"  she 
says. 

But  between  the  curves  and  the  fear  o'  Palm 
Beach  not  bein'  so  exclusive  as  it  used  to  be, 
102 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

she  couldn't  eat  no  supper,  and  I  had  another 
big"  meal. 

The  next  mornin'  we  landed  in  Jacksonville 
three  hours  behind  time  and  narrowly  missed 
connections  for  St.  Augustine  by  over  an  hour 
and  a  half.  They  wasn't  another  train  till  one- 
thirty  in  the  afternoon,  so  we  had  some  time 
to  kill.  I  went  shoppin'  and  bought  a  shave 
and  five  or  six  rickeys.  The  Wife  helped  her- 
self to  a  chair  in  the  writin'-room  of  one  o'  the 
hotels  and  told  pretty  near  everybody  in  Chi- 
cago that  she  wished  they  was  along  with  us, 
accompanied  by  a  pitcher  o'  the  Elks'  Home 
or  the  Germania  Club,  or  Trout  Fishin'  at  At- 
lantic Beach. 

Wile  I  was  gettin'  my  dime's  worth  in  the 
tonsorial  parlors,  I  happened  to  look  up  at  a 
calendar  on  the  wall,  and  noticed  it  was  the 
twelfth  o'  February. 

"How  does  it  come  that  everything's  open 
here  to-day?"  I  says  to  the  barber.  "Don't 
you-all  know  it's  Lincoln's  birthday?" 

"Is  that  so?"  he  says.    "How  old  is  he?" 
103 


jGULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Ill 

We'd  wired  ahead  for  rooms  at  the  Alcazar, 
and  when  we  landed  in  St.  Augustine  they  was 
a  motor-bus  from  the  hotel  to  meet  us  at  the 
station. 

''Southern  hospitality,"  I  says  to  the  Wife, 
and  we  was  both  pleased  till  they  relieved  us 
o'  four  bits  apiece  for  the  ride. 

Well,  they  hadn't  neither  one  of  us  slept 
good  the  night  before,  w'ile  we  was  joltin' 
through  Georgia;  so  when  I  suggested  a  nap 
they  wasn't  no  argument. 

"But  our  clo'es  ought  to  be  pressed,"  says 
the  Missus.  "Call  up  the  valet  and  have  it  done 
w'ile  we  sleep." 

So  I  called  up  the  valet,  and  sure  enough, 
he  come. 

"Hello,  George!"  I  says.  "You  see,  we're 
goin'  to  lay  down  and  take  a  nap,  and  we  was 
wonderin'  if  you  could  crease  up  these  two  suits 
and  have  'em  back  here  by  the  time  we  want 
'em." 

Il04i 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"Certainly,  sir,"  says  he. 

"And  how  much  will  it  cost?"  I  ast  him. 

"One  dollar  a  suit,"  he  says. 

"Are  you  on  parole  or  haven't  you  never 
been  caught?"  says  I. 

"Yes,  sir,"  he  says,  and  smiled  like  it  was  a 
joke. 

"Let's  talk  business,  George,"  I  says.  "The 
tailor  we  go  to  on  Sixty-third  walks  two  blocks 
to  get  our  clo'es,  and  two  blocks  to  take  'em  to 
his  joint,  and  two  blocks  to  bring  'em  back, 
and  he  only  soaks  us  thirty-five  cents  a  suit." 

"He  gets  poor  pay  and  he  does  poor  work," 
says  the  burglar.  "When  I  press  clo'es  I  press 
'em  right." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "the  tailor  on  Sixty-third 
satisfies  us.  Suppose  you  don't  do  your  best 
this  time,  but  just  give  us  seventy  cents' 
worth." 

But  they  wasn't  no  chance  for  a  bargain. 
He'd  been  in  the  business  so  long  he'd  become 
hardened  and  lost  all  regard  for  his  fellow  men. 

The  Missus  slept,  but  I  didn't.  Instead,  I 
105 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

done  a  few  problems  in  arithmetic.  Outside  o' 
what  she'd  gave  up  for  postcards  and  stamps 
in  Jacksonville,  I'd  spent  two  bucks  for  our 
lunch,  about  two  more  for  my  shave  and  my 
refreshments,  one  for  a  rough  ride  in  a  bus, 
one  more  for  gettin'  our  trunk  and  grips  car- 
ried round,  two  for  havin'  the  clo'es  pressed, 
and  about  half  a  buck  in  tips  to  people  that 
I  wouldn't  never  see  again.  Somewheres  near 
nine  dollars  a  day,  not  countin'  no  hotel  bill, 
and  over  two  weeks  of  it  yet  to  come! 

Oh,  you  rummy  game  at  home,  at  half  a  cent 
a  point! 

When  our  clo'es  come  back  I  woke  her  up 
and  give  her  the  figures. 

"But  to-day's  an  exception,"  she  says. 
"After  this  our  meals  will  be  included  in  the 
hotel  bill  and  we  won't  need  to  get  our  suits 
pressed  only  once  a  week  and  you'll  be  shavin' 
yourself  and  they  won't  be  no  bus  fare  when 
we're  stayin'  in  one  place.  Besides,  we  can 
practise  economy  all  spring  and  all  summer." 

"I  guess  we  need  the  practise,"  I  says. 
106 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS 

"And  if  you're  goiii'  to  crab  all  tlie  time 
about  expenses,"  says  she,  "I'll  wish  we  had 
of  stayed  home." 

"That'll  make  it  unanimous,"  says  I. 

Then  she  begin  sobbin'  about  how  I'd  spoiled 
the  trip  and  I  had  to  promise  I  Avouldn't  think 
no  more  o'  what  we  were  spendin'.  I  might 
just  as  well  of  promised  to  not  worry  when 
the  White  Sox  lost  or  when  I'd  forgot  to  come 
home  to  supper. 

We  went  in  the  dinin'-room  about  six-thirty 
and  was  showed  to  a  table  where  they  was  an- 
other couple  settin'.  They  was  husband  and 
wife,  I  guess,  but  I  don't  know  which  was 
which.  She  was  wieldin'  the  pencil  and  writin' 
down  their  order. 

"I  guess  I'll  have  clams,"  he  says. 

"They  disagreed  with  you  last  night,"  says 
she. 

"All  right,"  he  says.  "I  won't  try  'em. 
Give  me  cream-o'-tomato  soup." 

"You  don't  like  tomatoes,"  she  says. 
107 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Well,  I  won't  have  no  soup,"  says  he.  "A 
little  o'  the  blue-fish." 

"The  blue-fish  wasn't  no  good  at  noon,"  she 
says.    "You  better  try  the  bass." 

"All  right,  make  it  bass,"  he  says.  "And 
them  sweet-breads  and  a  little  roast  beef  and 
sweet  potatoes  and  peas  and  vanilla  ice-cream 
and  coffee." 

"You  wouldn't  touch  sweet-breads  at  home," 
says  she,  "and  you  can't  tell  what  they'll  be  in 
a  hotel." 

"All  right,  cut  out  the  sweet-breads,"  he 
says. 

"I  should  think  you'd  have  the  stewed 
chicken,"  she  says,  "and  leave  out  the  roast 
beef." 

"Stewed  chicken  it  is,"  says  he. 

"Stewed  chicken  and  mashed  potatoes  and 
string  beans  and  buttered  toast  and  coffee. 
Will  that  suit  you?" 

"Sure!"  he  says,  and  she  give  the  slip  to  the 
waiter. 

•George  looked  at  it  long  enough  to  of  read 
108 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

it  three  times  if  he  could  of  read  it  once  and 
then  went  out  in  the  kitchen  and  got  a  trayf ul 
o'  whatever  was  handy. 

But  the  poor  guy  didn't  get  more'n  a  taste 
of  anything.  She  was  watchin'  him  hke  a 
hawk,  and  no  sooner  would  he  delve  into  one 
victual  than  she'd  yank  the  dish  away  from  him 
and  tell  him  to  remember  that  health  was  more 
important  than  temporary  happiness.  I  felt 
so  sorry  for  him  that  I  couldn't  enjoy  my  own 
repast  and  I  told  the  Wife  that  we'd  have  our 
breakfast  apart  from  that  stricken  soul  if  I 
had  to  carry  the  case  to  old  Al  Cazar  himself. 

In  the  evenin'  we  strolled  acrost  the  street 
to  the  Ponce  —  that's  supposed  to  be  even 
sweller  yet  than  where  w^e  w^ere  stoppin'  at. 
We  walked  all  over  the  place  without  recog- 
nizin'  nobody  from  our  set.  I  finally  warned 
the  Missus  that  if  we  didn't  duck  back  to  our 
room  I'd  probably  have  a  heart  attack  from 
excitement ;  but  she'd  read  in  her  Florida  guide 
that  the  decorations  and  pitchers  was  worth 
goin'  miles  to  see,  so  we  had  to  stand  in  front 
109 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

o'  them  for  a  couple  hours  and  try  to  keep 
awake.  Four  or  five  o'  them  was  thrillers,  at 
that.  Their  names  was  Adventure,  Discovery, 
Contest,  and  so  on,  but  what  they  all  should 
of  been  called  was  Lady  Who  Had  Mislaid 
Her  Clo'es. 

The  hotel's  named  after  the  fella  that  built 
it.  He  come  from  Spain  and  they  say  he  was 
huntin'  for  some  water  that  if  he'd  drunk  it 
he'd  feel  young.  I  don't  see  myself  how  you 
could  expect  to  feel  young  on  water.  But, 
anyway,  he'd  heard  that  this  here  kind  o'  water 
could  be  found  in  St.  Augustine,  and  when  he 
couldn't  find  it  he  went  into  the  hotel  business 
and  got  even  with  the  United  States  by  charg- 
in'  five  dollars  a  day  and  up  for  a  room. 

Sunday  mornin'  we  went  in  to  breakfast 
early  and  I  ast  the  head  waiter  if  we  could  set 
at  another  table  where  they  wasn't  no  convales- 
cent and  his  mate.  At  the  same  time  I  give  the 
said  head  waiter  somethin'  that  spoke  louder 
than  words.  We  was  showed  to  a  place  way 
acrost  the  room  from  where  we'd  been  the  night 
IIQ 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

before."  It  was  a  table  for  six,  but  the  other 
four  didn't  come  into  our  life  till  that  night 
at  supper. 

Meanw'ile  we  went  sight-seein'.  We  visited 
Fort  Marion,  that'd  be  a  great  protection 
against  the  Germans,  provided  they  fought 
with  paper  wads.  We  seen  the  city  gate  and 
the  cathedral  and  the  slave  market,  and  then 
we  took  the  boat  over  to  Anastasia  Island,  that 
the  ocean's  on  the  other  side  of  it.  This  trip 
made  me  homesick,  because  the  people  that  was 
along  with  us  on  the  boat  looked  just  like  the 
ones  we'd  often  went  with  to  JNIichigan  City 
on  the  Fourth  o'  July.  The  boat  landed  on  the 
bay  side  o'  the  island  and  from  there  we  was 
drug  over  to  the  ocean  side  on  a  horse  car,  the 
the  horse  walkin'  to  one  side  o'  the  car  instead 
of  in  front,  so's  he  wouldn't  get  ran  over. 

We  stuck  on  the  beach  till  dinner-time  and 
then  took  the  chariot  back  to  the  pavilion  on 
the  bay  side,  where  a  whole  family  served  the 
meal  and  their  pigs  put  on  a  cabaret.  It  was 
the  best  meal  I  had  in  dear  old  Dixie — fresh 
111 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

oysters  and  chicken  and  mashed  potatoes  and 
gravy  and  fish  and  pie.  And  they  charged 
two  bits  a  plate. 

"Goodness  gracious!"  says  the  Missus,  when 
I  told  her  the  price.  "This  is  certainly  reason- 
able.   I  wonder  how  it  happens." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "the  family  was  probably 
washed  up  here  by  the  tide  and  don't  know 
they're  in  Florida." 

When  we  got  back  to  the  hotel  they  was  only 
just  time  to  clean  up  and  go  down  to  supper. 
We  hadn't  no  sooner  got  seated  when  our  table 
companions  breezed  in.  It  was  a  man  about 
forty-five,  that  looked  like  he'd  made  his  money 
in  express  and  general  haulin',  and  he  had  his 
wife  along  and  both  their  mother-in-laws.  The 
shirt  he  had  on  was  the  one  he'd  started  from 
home  with,  if  he  lived  in  Yokohama.  His  wom- 
enfolks wore  mournin'  with  a  touch  o'  gravy 
here  and  there. 

"You  order  for  us,  Jake,"  says  one  o'  the 
ladies. 

112 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

So  Jake  grabbed  tbe  bill  o'  fare  and  his  wife 
took  the  slip  and  pencil  and  waited  for  the  dic- 
tation. 

"Let's  see,"  he  says.  "How  about  oyster 
cocktail?" 

"Yes,"  says  the  three  Mrs.  Black. 

"Four  oyster  cocktails,  then,"  says  Jake, 
"and  four  orders  o'  bluepoints." 

"The  oysters  is  nice,  too,"  says  I. 

They  all  give  me  a  cordial  smile  and  the  ice 
w^as  broke. 

"Everything's  good  here,"  says  Jake. 

"I  bet  you  know,"  I  says. 

He  seemed  pleased  at  the  compliment  and 
went  on  dictatin'. 

"Four  chicken  soups  with  rice,"  he  says, 
"and  four  o'  the  blue-fish  and  four  veal  chops 
breaded  and  four  roast  chicken  and  four  boiled 
potatoes — " 

But  it  seemed  his  wife  would  rather  have 
sweet  potatoes. 

"All  right,"  says  Jake;  "four  boiled  pota- 
113 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

toes  and  four  sweets.  And  chicken  salad  and 
some  o'  that  tapioca  puddin'  and  ice-cream  and 
tea.    Is  that  satisfactory?" 

"Fine!"  says  one  o'  the  mother-in-laws. 

"Are  you  goin'  to  stay  long?"  says  Mrs. 
Jake  to  my  3Iissus. 

The  party  addressed  didn't  look  very  clubby, 
but  she  was  too  polite  to  pull  the  cut  direct. 

"We  leave  to-morrow  night,"  she  says. 

Nobody  ast  her  where  we  w^as  goin'. 

"We  leave  for  Palm  Beach,"  she  says. 

"That's  a  nice  place,  I  guess,"  says  one  o' 
the  old  ones.  "JMore  people  goes  there  than 
comes  here.  It  ain't  so  expensive  there,  I 
guess." 

"You're  some  guesser,"  says  the  Missus  and 
freezes  up. 

I  ast  Jake  if  he'd  been  to  Florida  before. 

"No,"  he  says;  "this  is  our  first  trip,  but 
we're  makin'  up  for  lost  time.  We're  seein' 
all  they  is  to  see  and  bavin'  everj^thing  the 
best." 

"You're  havin'  everything,  all  right,"  I  says, 
114 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"but  I  don't  know  if  it's  the  best  or  not.  How 
long  have  you  been  here?" 

"A  week  to-morrow,"  says  he.  "And  we 
stay  another  week  and  then  go  to  Ormond." 

"Are  you  standin'  the  trip  O.  K.?"  I  ast  him. 

"Well,"  he  says,  "I  don't  feel  quite  as  good 
as  when  we  first  come." 

"Kind  o'  logy?"  I  says. 

"Yes;  kind  o'  heavy,"  saj^s  Jake. 

"I  know  what  you  ought  to  do,"  says  I. 
"You  ought  to  go  to  a  European  plan  hotel." 

"Not  w'ile  this  war's  on,"  he  says,  "and  be- 
sides, my  mother's  a  poor  sailor." 

"Yes,"  says  his  mother;  "I'm  a  very  poor 
sailor." 

"Jake's  mother  can't  stand  the  water,"  says 
Mrs.  Jake. 

So  I  begun  to  believe  that  Jake's  wife's 
mother-in-law  was  a  total  failure  as  a  jolly  tar. 

Social  intercourse  was  put  an  end  to  when 
the  waiter  staggered  in  with  their  order  and 
our'n.  The  IVIissus  seemed  to  of  lost  her  appe- 
tite and  just  set  there  lookin'  grouchy  and  tap- 
115 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

pin'  her  fingers  on  tlie  table-cloth  and  actin' 
like  she  was  in  a  hurry  to  get  away.  I  didn't 
eat  much,  neither.    It  was  more  fun  watchin'. 

"Well,"  I  says,  when  we  was  out  in  the 
lobby,  "we  finally  got  acquainted  with  some 
real  people." 

"Real  people!"  says  the  Missus,  curlin'  her 
lip.    "What  did  you  talk  to  'em  for?" 

"I  couldn't  resist,"  I  says.  "Anybody  that'd 
order  four  oyster  cocktails  and  four  rounds  o' 
blue-points  is  worth  knowin'." 

"Well,"  she  says,  "if  they're  there  when  we 
go  in  to-morrow  mornin'  we'll  get  our  table 
changed  again  or  you  can  eat  with  'em  alone." 

But  they  was  absent  from  the  breakfast 
board. 

"They're  probably  stay  in'  in  bed  to-day  to 
get  their  clo'es  washed,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Or  maybe  they're  sick,"  I  says.  "A  change 
of  oysters  affects  some  people." 

I  was  for  goin'  over  to  the  island  again  and 
gettin'  another  o'  them  quarter  banquets,  but 
116 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

the  program  was  for  us  to  walk  round  town  all 
mornin'  and  take  a  ride  in  the  afternoon. 

First,  we  went  to  St.  George  Street  and  vis- 
ited the  oldest  house  in  the  United  States. 
Then  we  went  to  Hospital  Street  and  seen  the 
oldest  house  in  the  United  States.  Then  v/e 
turned  the  corner  and  went  down  St.  Francis 
Street  and  inspected  the  oldest  house  in  the 
United  States.  Theli  we  dropped  into  a  soda 
fountain  and  I  had  an  egg  phosphate,  made 
from  the  oldest  egg  in  the  Western  Hemi- 
si)here.  We  passed  up  lunch  and  got  into  a 
carriage  drawn  by  the  oldest  horse  in  Florida, 
and  we  rode  through  the  country  all  afternoon 
and  the  driver  told  us  some  o'  the  oldest  jokes 
in  the  book.  He  felt  it  was  only  fair  to  give 
his  customers  a  good  time  when  he  was  chargin' 
a  dollar  an  hour,  and  he  had  his  gags  rehearsed 
so's  he  could  tell  the  same  one  a  thousand  times 
and  never  change  a  word.  And  the  horse 
knowed  where  the  point  come  in  every  one  and 
stopped  to  laugh. 

117 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

We  done  our  packin'  before  supper,  and  by 
the  time  we  got  to  our  table  Jake  and  the 
moui'ners  was  through  and  gone.  We  didn't 
have  to  ask  the  waiter  if  they'd  been  there.  He 
was  perspirin'  like  an  evangelist. 

After  supper  we  said  good-by  to  the  night 
clerk  and  twenty-two  bucks.  Then  we  bought 
ourself  another  ride  in  the  motor-bus  and 
landed  at  the  station  ten  minutes  before  train- 
time;  so  we  only  had  an  hour  to  wait  for  the 
train. 

Say,  I  don't  know  how  many  stations  they 
is  between  New  York  and  San  Francisco,  but 
they's  twice  as  many  between  St.  Augustine 
and  Palm  Beach.  And  our  train  stopped  twice 
and  started  twice  at  every  one.  I  give  up  tryin' 
to  sleep  and  looked  out  the  window,  amusin' 
myself  by  readin'  the  names  o'  the  different 
stops.  The  only  one  that  expressed  my  senti- 
ments was  Eau  Gallic.  We  was  an  hour  and  a 
half  late  pullin'  out  o'  that  joint  and  I  figured 
we'd  be  two  hours  to  the  bad  gettin'  into  our 
destination.  'But  the  guy  that  made  out  the 
118 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

time-table  must  of  had  the  engineer  down  pat, 
because  when  we  went  acrost  the  bridge  over 
Lake  Worth  and  landed  at  the  Poinciana  de- 
pot, we  was  ten  minutes  ahead  o'  time. 

They  was  about  two  dozen  uniformed  Ephs 
on  the  job  to  meet  us.  And  when  I  seen  'em 
all  grab  for  our  baggage  with  one  hand  and 
hold  the  other  out,  face  up,  I  knowed  why  they 
called  it  Palm  Beach. 

IV 

The  Poinciana  station's  a  couple  hundred 
j^ards  from  one  end  o'  the  hotel,  and  that  means 
it's  close  to  five  miles  from  the  clerk's  desk.  By 
the  time  we'd  registered  and  been  gave  our  key 
and  marathoned  another  five  miles  or  so  to 
where  our  room  was  located  at,  I  was  about 
ready  for  the  inquest.  But  the  IMissus  was  full 
o'  pep  and  wild  to  get  down  to  breakfast  and 
look  over  our  stable  mates.  She  says  we  would 
eat  without  changin'  our  clo'es;  people'd  for- 
give us  for  not  dressin'  uj)  on  account  o'  just 
119 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

gettin'  there.  W'ile  she  was  lookin'  out  the 
window  at  the  royal  palms  and  buzzards,  I 
moseyed  round  the  room  inspectin'  where  the 
different  doors  led  to.  Pretty  near  the  first 
one  I  opened  went  into  a  private  bath. 

"Here,"  I  says;  "they've  give  us  the  wrong 
room." 

Then  my  wife  seen  it  and  begin  to  squeal. 

"Goody!"  she  says.  "We've  got  a  bath! 
We've  got  a  bath!" 

"But,"  says  I,  "they  promised  we  wouldn't 
have  none.    It  must  be  a  mistake." 

"Never  you  mind  about  a  mistake,"  she  says. 
"This  is  our  room  and  they  can't  chase  us  out 
of  it." 

"We'll  chase  ourself  out,"  says  I.  "Rooms 
with  a  bath  is  fifteen  and  sixteen  dollars  and 
up.    Rooms  without  no  bath  is  bad  enough." 

"We'll  keep  this  room  or  I  won't  stay  here," 
she  says. 

"All  right,  you  win,"  I  says;  but  I  didn't 
mean  it. 

I  made  her  set  in  the  lobby  down-stairs  w'ile 
120 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

I  went  to  the  clerk  pretendiii'  that  I  had  to  see 
about  our  trunk. 

"Say,"  I  says  to  him,  "you've  made  a  bad 
mistake.  You  told  your  man  in  Chicago  that 
we  couldn't  have  no  room  with  a  bath,  and  now 
you've  give  us  one." 

"You're  lucky,"  he  says.  "A  party  who  had 
a  bath  ordered  for  these  two  weeks  canceled 
their  reservation  and  now  j^ou've  got  it.'* 

"Lucky,  am  I?"  I  says.  "And  how  much  is 
the  luck  goin'  to  cost  me?" 

"It'll  be  seventeen  dollars  per  day  for  that 
room,"  he  says,  and  turned  away  to  hide  a 
blush. 

I  went  back  to  the  Wife. 

"Do  you  know  what  we're  payin'  for  that 
room?"  I  says.  "We're  payin'  seventeen  dol- 
lars." 

"Well,"  she  says,  "our  meals  is  throwed  in." 

"Yes,"  says  I,  "and  the  hotel  furnishes  a 
key." 

"You  promised  in  St.  Augustine,"  she  says, 
121 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"that  you  wouldn't  worry  no  more  about  ex- 
penses." 

Well,  rather  than  make  a  scene  in  front  o' 
the  bellhops  and  the  few  millionaires  that  was 
able  to  be  about  at  that  hour  o'  the  mornin',  I 
just  says  "All  right!"  and  led  her  into  the 
dinin'-room. 

The  head  waiter  met  us  at  the  door  and 
turned  us  over  to  his  assistant.  Then  some 
more  assistants  took  hold  of  us  one  at  a  time 
and  we  was  relayed  to  a  beautiful  spot  next 
door  to  the  kitchen  and  bounded  on  all  sides  by 
posts  and  pillars.  It  was  all  right  for  me,  but 
a  whole  lot  too  private  for  the  Missus ;  so  I  had 
to  call  the  fella  that  had  been  our  pacemaker  on 
the  last  lap. 

"We  don't  like  this  table,"  I  says. 

"It's  the  only  one  I  can  give  you,"  he  says. 

I  slipped  him  half  a  buck. 

"Come  to  think  of  it,"  he  says,  "I  believe 
they's  one  I  forgot  all  about." 

And  he  moved  us  way  up  near  the  middle  o* 
the  place. 

122 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

Say,  you  ought  to  seen  that  dinin'-room ! 
From  one  end  of  it  to  the  other  is  a  toll  call, 
and  if  a  man  that  was  settin'  at  the  table  far- 
thest from  the  kitchen  ordered  roast  lamb  he'd 
get  mutton.  At  that,  they  was  crowded  for 
fair  and  it  kept  the  head  waiters  hustlin'  to  find 
trough  space  for  one  and  all. 

It  was  round  nine  o'clock  when  we  put  in  our 
modest  order  for  orange  juice,  oatmeal,  liver 
and  bacon,  and  cakes  and  coffee,  and  a  quarter 
to  ten  or  so  when  our  waiter  returned  from  the 
nearest  orange  grove  with  Exhibit  A.  We 
amused  ourself  meanw'ile  by  givin'  our  neigh- 
bors the  once  over  and  wonderin'  which  o'  them 
was  goin'  to  pal  with  us.  As  far  as  I  could  tell 
from  the  glances  we  received,  they  wasn't  no 
immediate  danger  of  us  bein'  annoyed  by  at- 
tentions. 

They  was  onlj^  a  few  womenfolks  on  deck 
and  they  was  dressed  pretty  quiet ;  so  quiet  that 
the  JMissus  was  scared  she'd  shock  'em  with  the 
sport  skirt  she'd  bought  in  Chi.  Later  on  in 
the  day,  when  the  girls  come  out  for  their  dress 
123 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

parade,  the  Missus'  costume  made  about  as 
much  noise  as  eatin'  marshmallows  in  a  foun- 
dry. 

After  breakfast  we  went  to  the  room  for  a 
change  o'  raiment.  I  put  on  my  white  trousers 
and  wished  to  heaven  that  the  sun'd  go  under  a 
cloud  till  I  got  used  to  tellin'  people  without 
words  just  where  my  linen  began  and  I  left  off. 
The  rest  o'  my  outfit  was  white  shoes  that  hurt, 
and  white  sox,  and  a  two-dollar  silk  shirt  that 
showed  up  a  zebra,  and  a  red  tie  and  a  soft  col- 
lar and  a  blue  coat.  The  Missus  wore  a  sport 
suit  that  I  won't  try  and  describe — you'll  prob- 
ably see  it  on  her  sometime  in  the  next  five 
years. 

We  went  down-stairs  again  and  out  on  the 
porch,  where  some  o'  the  old  birds  was  takin'  a 
sun  bath. 

"Where  now?"  I  says. 

"The  beach,  o'  course,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Where  is  it  at?"  I  ast  her. 

"I  suppose,"  she  says,  "that  we'll  find  it 
somewheres  near  the  ocean." 
124. 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"I  don't  believe  you  can  stand  this  climate," 
says  I. 

"The  ocean,"  she  says,  "must  be  down  at  the 
end  o'  that  avenue,  where  most  everybody 
seems  to  be  headed." 

"Havin'  went  to  our  room  and  back  twice,  I 
don't  feel  like  another  five-mile  hike,"  I  says. 

"It  ain't  no  five  miles,"  she  says;  "but  let's 
ride,  anyway." 

"Come  on,"  says  I,  pointin'  to  a  street-car 
that  was  standin'  in  the  middle  o'  the  avenue. 

"Oh,  no,"  she  says.  "I've  watched  and  found 
out  that  the  real  people  takes  themi  fumiy- 
lookin'  wheel  chairs." 

I  was  wonderin'  what  she  meant  when  one  o' 
them  pretty  near  run  over  us.  It  was  part  bi- 
cycle, part  go-cart  and  part  African.  In  the 
one  w^e  dodged  they  was  room  for  one  passen- 
ger, but  some  o'  them  carried  two. 

"I  wonder  what  they'd  soak  us  for  the  trip," 
I  says. 

"Not  more'n  a  dime,  I  don't  believe,"  says 
the  Missus. 

125 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

But  when  we'd  hired  one  and  been  w'isked 
down  under  the  palms  and  past  the  golf  field 
to  the  bath-house,  we  was  obliged  to  part  with 
fifty  cents  legal  and  tender. 

*T  feel  much  refreshed,"  I  says.  "I  believe 
when  it  comes  time  to  go  back  I'll  be  able  to 
walk." 

The  bath-house  is  acrost  the  street  from  the 
other  hotel,  the  Breakers,  that  the  man  had  told 
us  was  full  for  the  season.  Both  buildin's 
fronts  on  the  ocean;  and,  boy,  it's  some  ocean! 
I  bet  they's  fish  in  there  that  never  seen  each 
other! 

"Oh,  let's  go  bathin'  right  away!"  says  the 
Missus. 

"Our  suits  is  up  to  the  other  beanery,"  says 
I,  and  I  was  glad  of  it.  They  wasn't  nothin' 
temptin'  to  me  about  them  man-eatin'  waves. 

But  the  Wife's  a  persistent  cuss. 

"We  won't  go  to-day,"  she  says,  "but  we'll 
go  in  the  bath-house  and  get  some  rooms  for 
to-morrow. 

The  bath-house  porch  was  a  ringer  for  the 
126 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

Follies.  Here  and  down  on  the  beacli  was 
where  you  seen  the  costumes  at  this  time  o'  day. 
I  was  so  busy  rubberin'  that  I  passed  the  en- 
trance door  three  times  without  noticin'  it. 
From  the  top  o'  their  heads  to  the  bottom  o' 
their  feet  the  girls  was  a  mess  o'  colors.  They 
wasn't  no  two  dressed  alike  and  if  any  one  o' 
them  had  of  w^alked  down  State  Street  we'd  of 
had  an  epidemic  o'  stiif  neck  to  contend  with 
in  Chi.  Finally  the  IMissus  grabbed  me  and 
hauled  me  into  the  office. 

"Two  private  rooms,"  she  says  to  the  clerk. 
"One  lady  and  one  gent." 

"Five  dollars  a  week  apiece,"  he  says.  "But 
we're  all  filled  up." 

"You  ought  to  be  all  locked  up !"  I  says. 

"Will  you  have  anything  open  to-morrow?" 
ast  the  Missus. 

"I  think  I  can  fix  you  then,"  he  says. 

"What  do  we  get  for  the  five?"  I  ast  him. 

"Private  room  and  we  take  care  o'  j^our 
bathin'  suit,"  says  he. 

"How  much  if  you  don't  take  care  o'  the 
127 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

suit?"  I  ast  him.  "My  suit's  been  gettin'  along 
fine  with  very  little  care." 

^'Five  dollars  a  week  apiece,"  he  says,  "and 
if  you  want  the  rooms  you  better  take  'em,  be- 
cause they're  in  big  demand." 

By  the  time  we'd  closed  this  grand  bargain, 
everybody'd  moved  oiFen  the  porch  and  down 
to  the  water,  where  a  couple  dozen  o'  them  went 
in  for  a  swim  and  the  rest  set  and  watched. 
They  was  a  long  row  o'  chairs  on  the  beach  for 
spectators  and  we  was  just  goin'  to  flop  into 
two  o'  them  when  another  bandit  come  up  and 
told  us  it'd  cost  a  dime  apiece  per  hour. 

"We're  goin'  to  be  here  two  weeks,"  I  says. 
"Will  you  sell  us  two  chairs?" 

He  wasn't  in  no  comical  mood,  so  we  sunk 
dov/n  on  the  sand  and  seen  the  show  from  there. 
We  had  plenty  o'  company  that  preferred  these 
kind  o'  seats  free  to  the  chairs  at  ten  cents  a 
whack. 

Besides  the  people  that  was  in  the  water  get- 
tin' knocked  down  by  the  waves  and  pretendin' 
like  they  enjoyed  it,  about  half  o'  the  gang  on 
128 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

the  sand  was  wearin'  bathin'  suits  just  to  be 
clubby.  You  could  tell  by  lookin'  at  the  suits 
that  they  hadn't  never  been  wet  and  wasn't  in- 
tended for  no  such  ridic'lous  purpose.  I  wisht 
I  could  describe  'em  to  you,  but  it'd  take  a  fe- 
male to  do  it  right. 

One  little  girl,  either  fourteen  or  twenty- 
four,  had  white  silk  slippers  and  sox  that  come 
pretty  near,  up  to  her  ankles,  and  from  there  to 
her  knees  it  was  just  plain  Nature.  North- 
bound from  her  knees  was  a  pair  o'  bicycle 
trousers  that  disappeared  when  they  come  to 
the  bottom  of  her  ^lother  Hubbard.  This  here 
garment  was  a  thing  without  no  neck  or  sleeves 
that  begin  bulgin'  at  the  top  and  spread  out 
gradual  all  the  way  down,  like  a  croquette.  To 
top  her  off,  she  had  a  jockey  cap;  and — believe 
me — I'd  of  played  her  mount  acrost  the  board. 
They  was  plenty  o'  class  in  tlie  field  with  her, 
but  nothin'  that  approached  her  speed.  Later 
on  I  seen  her  several  times  round  the  hotel, 
wearin'  some  thin'  near  the  same  outfit,  without 
the  jockey  cap  and  with  longer  croquettes, 
129 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

We  set  there  in  the  sand  till  people  begun  to 
get  up  and  leave.  Then  we  trailed  along  back 
o'  them  to  the  Breakers'  porch,  where  they  was 
music  to  dance  and  stuff  to  inhale. 

"We'll  grab  a  table,"  I  says  to  the  Missus. 
"I'm  dyin'  o'  thirst." 

But  I  was  allowed  to  keep  on  dyin'. 

"I  can  serve  you  somethin'  soft,"  says  the 
waiter. 

"I'll  bet  you  can't!"  I  says. 

"You  ain't  got  no  locker  here?"  he  says. 

"What  do  you  mean — locker?"  I  ast  him. 

"It's  the  locker  liquor  law,"  he  says.  "We 
can  serve  you  a  drink  if  you  own  your  own  bot- 
tles." 

"I'd  just  as  soon  own  a  bottle,"  I  says.  "I'll 
become  the  proprietor  of  a  bottle  o'  beer." 

"It'll  take  three  or  four  hours  to  get  it  for 
you,"  he  says,  "and  you'd  have  to  order  it 
through  the  order  desk.  If  you're  stoppin'  at 
one  o'  the  hotels  and  want  a  drink  once  in  a 
w'ile,  you  better  get  busy  and  put  in  an  order." 
130 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

So  I  had  to  watch  the  JNIissus  put  away  a 
glass  of  orange  juice  that  cost  forty  cents  and 
was  just  the  same  size  as  they  give  us  for  break- 
fast free  for  nothin'.  And,  not  havin'  had 
nothin'  to  make  me  forget  that  my  feet  hurt,  I 
was  obhged  to  pay  another  four  bits  for  an 
Af  romobile  to  cart  us  back  to  our  own  boardin' 
house. 

"Well,"  says  the  INIissus  when  we  got  there, 
"it's  time  to  wash  up  and  go  to  lunch." 

"Wash  up  and  go  to  lunch,  then,"  I  says; 
"but  I'm  goin'  to  investigate  this  here  locker 
liquor  or  liquor  locker  law." 

So  she  got  her  key  and  beat  it,  and  I  limped 
to  the  bar. 

"I  want  a  highball,"  I  says  to  the  boy. 

"What's  your  number?"  says  he. 

"It  varies,"  I  says.  "Sometimes  I  can  hold 
twenty  and  sometimes  four  or  five  makes  me 
sing." 

"I  mean,  have  you  got  a  locker  here?"  he 
says. 

131 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"No ;  but  I  want  to  get  one,"  says  I. 

"The  gent  over  there  to  the  desk  will  fix 
you,"  says  he. 

So  over  to  the  desk  I  went  and  ast  for  a 
locker. 

"What  do  you  drink?"  ast  the  gent. 

"I'm  from  Chicago,"  I  says.  "I  drink  bour- 
bon." 

"What's  your  name  and  room  number?"  he 
says,  and  I  told  him. 

Then  he  ast  me  how  often  did  I  shave  and 
what  did  I  think  o'  the  Kaiser  and  what  my 
name  was  before  I  got  married,  and  if  I  had 
any  intentions  of  ever  running  an  elevator. 
Finally  he  says  I  was  all  right. 

"I'll  order  you  some  bourbon,"  he  says. 
"Anything  else?" 

I  was  goin'  to  say  no,  but  I  happened  to  re- 
member that  the  Wife  generally  always  wants 
a  bronix  before  dinner.  So  I  had  to  also  put  in 
a  bid  for  a  bottle  o'  gin  and  bottles  o'  the  Ver- 
mouth brothers,  Tony  and  Pierre.  It  wasn't 
till  later  that  I  appreciated  what  a  grand  law 
132 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

this  here  law  was.  When  I  got  my  drinks  I 
paid  ten  cents  apiece  for  'em  for  service,  be- 
sides payin'  for  the  bottles  o'  stuff  to  drink. 
And,  besides  that,  about  every  third  highball 
or  bronix  I  ordered,  the  waiter'd  bring  back 
word  that  I  was  just  out  of  ingredients  and 
then  they'd  be  another  delay  w'ile  they  sent  to 
the  garage  for  more.  If  they  had  that  law  all 
over  the  country  they'd  soon  be  an  end  o' 
drinkin',  because  everybody'd  get  so  mad 
they'd  kill  each  other. 

My  cross-examination  had  took  quite  a  long 
time,  but  when  I  got  to  my  room  the  Wife 
wasn't  back  from  lunch  yet  and  I  had  to  cover 
the  Marathon  route  all  over  again  and  look  her 
up.  We  only  had  the  one  key  to  the  room,  and 
o'  course  couldn't  expect  no  more'n  that  at  the 
price. 

.  The  Missus  had  bought  one  o'  the  daily  pro- 
grams they  get  out  and  she  knowed  just  what 
we  had  to  do  the  rest  o'  the  day. 

"For  the  next  couple  hours,"  she  says,  "we 
can  suit  ourself." 

133 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"All  right,"  says  I.  "It  suits  me  to  take  off 
my  shoes  and  lay  down." 

"I'll  rest,  too,"  she  says;  "but  at  half  past 
four  we  have  to  be  in  the  Cocoanut  Grove  for 
tea  and  dancin'.  And  then  we  come  back  to  the 
room  and  dress  for  dinner.  Then  we  eat  and 
then  we  set  around  till  the  evenin'  dance  starts. 
Then  we  dance  till  we're  ready  for  bed." 

"Who  do  we  dance  all  these  dances  with?"  I 
ast  her. 

"With  whoever  we  get  acquainted  with,"  she 
says. 

"All  right,"  says  I ;  "but  let's  be  careful." 

Well,  we  took  our  nap  and  then  we  followed 
schedule  and  had  our  tea  in  the  Cocoanut 
Grove.  You  know  how  I  love  tea!  My  feet 
was  still  achin'  and  the  Missus  couldn't  talk  me 
into  no  dance. 

When  we'd  set  there  an  hour  and  was  satu- 
rated with  tea,  the  Wife  says  it  was  time  to  go 
up  and  change  into  our  Tuxedos.  I  was  all  in 
when  we  reached  the  room  and  willin'  to  even 
pass  up  supper  and  nestle  in  the  hay,  but  I  was 
134 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

informed  that  the  biggest  part  o'  the  day's 
doiii's  was  yet  to  come.  So  from  six  o'clock  till 
after  seven  I  wrestled  with  studs,  and  hooks 
and  eyes  that  didn't  act  like  they'd  ever  met  be- 
fore and  wasn't  anxious  to  get  acquainted,  and 
then  down  we  w^nt  again  to  the  dinin'-room. 

"How  about  a  little  bronix  before  the  feed?" 
I  says. 

"It  would  taste  good,"  says  the  ]Missus. 

So  I  called  Eph  and  give  him  the  order.  In 
somethin'  less  than  half  an  hour  he  come  back 
empty-handed. 

"You  ain't  got  no  cocktail  stuff,"  he  says. 

"I  certainly  have,"  says  I.  "I  ordered  it 
early  this  afternoon." 

"Where  at?"  he  ast  me. 

"Over  in  the  bar,"  I  says. 

"Oh,  the  regular  bar!"  he  says.  "That  don't 
count.  You  got  to  have  stuff  at  the  service  bar 
to  get  it  served  in  here." 

"I  ain't  as  thirsty  as  I  thought  I  was," 
says  I. 

"Me,  neither,"  says  the  INIissus. 
135 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

So  we  went  ahead  and  ordered  our  meal,  and 
w'ile  we  was  waitin'  for  it  a  young  couple  come 
and  took  the  other  two  chairs  at  our  table. 
They  didn't  have  to  announce  through  a  mega- 
phone that  they  was  honeymooners.  It  was 
wrote  all  over  'em.  They  was  reachin'  under 
the  table  for  each  other's  hand  every  other  min- 
ute, and  when  they  wasn't  doin'  that  they  was 
smilin'  at  each  other  or  gigglin'  at  nothin'. 
You  couldn't  feel  that  good  and  be  payin'  sev- 
enteen dollars  a  day  for  room  and  board  unless 
you  was  just  married  or  somethin'. 

I  thought  at  first  their  company'd  be  fun, 
but  after  a  few  meals  it  got  like  the  southern 
cookin'  and  begun  to  undermine  the  health. 

The  conversation  between  they  and  us  was 
what  you  could  call  limited.  It  took  jilace  the 
next  day  at  lunch.  The  young  husband 
thought  he  was  about  to  take  a  bite  o'  the  entry, 
which  happened  to  be  roast  mutton  with  sirup ; 
but  he  couldn't  help  from  lookin'  at  her  at  the 
same  time  and  his  empty  fork  started  for  his 
face  prongs  up. 

136 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

"Look  out  for  your  eye,"  I  says. 

He  dropped  the  fork  and  they  both  bkished 
till  you  could  see  it  right  through  the  sunburn. 
Then  they  give  me  a  ^Mexican  look  and  our  ac- 
quaintance was  at  an  end. 

This  first  night,  when  we  was  through  eatin', 
we  wandered  out  in  the  lobby  and  took  seats 
where  we  could  watch  the  passin'  show.  The 
men  was  all  dressed  like  me,  except  I  was  up  to 
date  and  had  on  a  mushroom  sliirt,  w'ile  they 
was  sportin'  the  old-fashioned  concrete  bosom. 
The  women's  dresses  begun  at  the  top  with  a 
belt,  and  some  o'  them  stopped  at  the  mezzanine 
floor,  w'ile  others  went  clear  down  to  the  base- 
ment and  helped  keep  the  rugs  clean.  They 
was  one  that  must  of  thought  it  was  the  Fourth 
o'  July.  From  the  top  of  her  head  to  where 
the  top  of  her  bathin'  suit  had  left  off,  she 
was  a  red,  red  rose.  From  there  to  the  top  of 
her  gown  was  white,  and  her  gown,  what  they 
was  of  it — was  blue. 

"My!"  says  the  JNIissus.  "What  stunnin' 
gowns!" 

137 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Yes,"  I  says;  "and  you  could  have  one  just 
like  'em  if  you'd  take  the  shade  off  en  the  piano 
lamp  at  home  and  cut  it  down  to  the  right  size." 

Round  ten  o'clock  we  wandered  in  the  Palm 
Garden,  where  the  dancin'  had  been  renewed. 
The  Wife  wanted  to  plunge  right  in  the  mazes 
o'  the  foxy  trot. 

"I'll  take  some  courage  first,"  says  I.  And 
then  was  when  I  found  out  that  it  cost  you  ten 
cents  extra  besides  the  tip  to  pay  for  a  drink 
that  you  already  owned  in  fee  simple. 

Well,  I  guess  we  must  of  danced  about  six 
dances  together  and  had  that  many  quarrels 
before  she  was  ready  to  go  to  bed.  And  oh, 
how  grand  that  old  hay-pile  felt  when  I  finally 
bounced  into  it ! 

The  next  day  we  went  to  the  ocean  at  the 
legal  hour — ^half  past  eleven.  I  never  had  so 
much  fun  in  my  life.  The  surf  was  runnin' 
high,  I  heard  'em  say ;  and  I  don't  know  which 
I'd  rather  do,  go  bathin'  in  the  ocean  at  Palm 
'Beach  when  the  surf  is  runnin'  high,  or  have  a 
dentist  get  one  o'  my  molars  ready  for  a  big 
138 


GULTJBLE^S    TRAVELS 

inlay  at  a  big  outlay.  Once  in  a  w'lle  I  man- 
aged to  not  get  throwed  on  my  head  when  a 
wave  hit  me.  As  for  swimmin',  you  had  just 
as  much  chance  as  if  you  was  at  State  and  IMad- 
ison  at  the  noon  hour.  And  before  I'd  been  in 
a  minute  they  was  enough  salt  in  my  different 
features  to  keep  the  Blackstone  hotel  runnin' 
all  through  the  onion  season. 

The  Missus  enjoyed  it  just  as  much  as  me. 
She  tried  to  pretend  at  first,  and  when  she  got 
floored  she'd  give  a  squeal  that  was  supposed  to 
mean  heavenly  bliss.  But  after  she'd  been 
bruised  from  head  to  feet  and  her  hair  looked 
and  felt  like  spinach  with  French  dressin',  and 
she'd  drank  all  she  could  hold  o'  the  Gulf 
Stream,  she  didn't  resist  none  when  I  drug  her 
in  to  shore  and  staggered  with  her  up  to  our 
private  rooms  at  five  a  week  per  each. 

Without  consultin'  her,  I  went  to  the  desk  at 
the  Casino  and  told  'em  they  could  have  them 
rooms  back. 

"All  right,"  says  the  clerk,  and  turned  our 
keys  over  to  the  next  in  line. 
139 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"How  about  a  refund?"  I  ast  him;  but  he 
was  waitin'  on  somebody  else. 

After  that  we  done  our  bathin'  in  the  tub. 
But  we  was  down  to  the  beach  every  morning 
at  eleven-thirty  to  watch  the  rest  o'  them  get 
batted  round. 

And  at  half  past  twelve  every  day  we'd  fol- 
low the  crowd  to  tjie  Breakers'  porch  and  dance 
together,  the  Missus  and  I.  Then  it'd  be  back 
to  the  other  hostelry,  sometimes  limpin'  and 
sometimes  in  an  Afromobile,  and  a  drink  or  two 
in  the  Palm  Garden  before  lunch.  And  after 
lunch  we'd  lay  down;  or  we'd  pay  some  Eph 
two  or  three  dollars  to  pedal  us  through  the 
windin'  jungle  trail,  that  was  every  bit  as  wild 
as  the  Art  Institute ;  or  we'd  ferry  acrost  Lake 
Worth  to  West  Palm  Beach  and  take  in  a 
movie,  or  we'd  stand  in  front  o'  the  portable 
Fifth  Avenue  stores  w'ile  the  Missus  wished 
she  could  have  this  dress  or  that  hat,  or  some- 
thin'  else  that  she  wouldn't  of  looked  at  if  she'd 
been  home  and  in  her  right  mind.  But  always 
at  half  past  four  we  had  to  live  up  to  the  rules 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

and  be  in  the  Cocoanut  Grove  for  tea  and  some 
more  foxy  trottin'.  And  then  it  was  dress  for 
dinner,  eat  dinner,  watch  the  parade  and  wind 
up  the  glorious  day  with  more  dancin'. 

I  bet  you  any  amount  you  name  that  the 
Castles  in  their  whole  life  haven't  danced  to- 
gether as  much  as  I  and  the  Missus  did  at  Palm 
Beach.  I'd  of  gave  five  dollars  if  even  one  o' 
the  waiters  had  took  her  ofFen  my  hands  for  one 
dance.  But  I  knowed  that  if  I  made  the  offer 
public  they'd  of  been  a  reallj^  serious  quarrel 
between  us  instead  o'  just  the  minor  brawls 
occasioned  by  steppin'  on  each  other's  feet. 

She  made  a  discovery  one  night.  She  found 
out  that  they  was  a  place  called  the  Beach  Club 
where  most  o'  the  real  people  disappeared  to 
every  evenin'  after  dinner.  She  says  we  would 
have  to  go  there  too. 

"But  I  ain't  a  member,"  I  says. 

"Then  find  out  how  you  get  to  be  one,"  she 
says. 

So  to  the  Beach  Club  I  went  and  made  in- 
quiries. 

141 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"You'll  have  to  be  introduced  by  a  guy  that 
already  belongs,"  says  the  man  at  the  door. 

"Who  belongs?"  I  ast  hmi. 

"Hundreds  o'  people,"  he  says.  "Who  do 
you  know?" 

"Two  waiters,  two  barkeepers  and  one  ele- 
vator boy,"  I  says. 

He  laughed,  but  his  laugh  didn't  get  me  no 
membership  card  and  I  had  to  dance  three  or 
four  extra  times  the  next  day  to  square  myself 
with  the  Missus. 

She  made  another  discovery  and  it  cost  me 
six  bucks.  She  found  out  that,  though  the 
meals  in  the  regular  dinin'-room  was  included 
in  the  triflin'  rates  per  day,  the  real  people  had 
at  least  two  o'  their  meals  in  the  garden  grill 
and  paid  extra  for  'em.  We  tried  it  for  one 
meal  and  I  must  say  I  enjoyed  it — all  but  the 
check. 

"We  can't  keep  up  that  clip,"  I  says  to  her. 

"We  could,"  says  she,  "if  you  wasn't 
spendin'  so  much  on  your  locker." 

"The  locker's  a  matter  o'  life  and  death,"  I 
142 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

says.  "They  ain't  no  man  in  the  world  that 
could  dance  as  much  with  their  own  wife  as  I 
do  and  live  without  liquid  stimulus." 

When  we'd  been  there  four  days  she  got  to 
be  on  speakin'  terms  with  the  ladies'  maid  that 
hung  round  the  lobby  and  helped  put  the  cos- 
tumes back  on  when  they  slipped  off.  From 
this  here  maid  the  JVIissus  learned  who  was  who, 
and  the  information  was  relayed  to  me  as  soon 
as  they  was  a  chance.  We'd  be  settin'  on  the 
porch  when  I'd  feel  an  elbow  in  my  ribs  all  of 
a  sudden.  I'd  look  up  at  who  was  passin'  and 
then  try  and  pretend  I  was  excited. 

"Who  is  it?"  I'd  whisper. 

"That's  Mrs.  Vandeventer,"  the  Wife'd  say. 
"Her  husband's  the  biggest  street-car  con- 
ductor in  Philadelphia." 

Or  somebody'd  set  beside  us  at  the  beach  or 
in  the  Palm  Garden  and  my  ribs  would  be  all 
battered  up  before  the  IMissus  was  calm  enough 
to  tip  me  off. 

"The  Vincents,"  she'd  say;  "the  canned 
prune  people." 

143 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

It  was  a  little  bit  thrillin'  at  first  to  be  rubbin' 
elbows  with  all  them  celeb's;  but  it  got  so 
finally  that  I  could  walk  out  o'  the  dinin'-room 
right  behind  Scotti,  the  opera  singer,  without 
forgettin'  that  my  feet  hurt. 

The  Washington's  Birthday  Ball  brought 
'em  all  together  at  once,  and  the  Missus  pointed 
out  eight  and  nine  at  a  time  and  got  me  so 
mixed  up  that  I  didn't  know  Pat  Vanderbilt 
from  Maggie  Rockefeller.  The  only  one  you 
couldn't  make  no  mistake  about  was  a  Russian 
count  that  you  couldn't  pronounce.  He  was 
buyin'  bay  mules  or  somethin'  for  the  Russian 
government,  and  he  was  in  ambush. 

"They  say  he  can't  hardly  speak  a  word  of 
English,"  says  the  Missus. 

"If  I  knowed  the  word  for  barber  shop  in 
Russia,"  says  I,  "I'd  tell  him  they  was  one  in 
this  hotel." 


In  our  mail  box  the  next  mornin'  they  was  a 
notice  that  our  first  week  was  up  and  all  we 
U4i 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

owed  was  one  hundred  and  forty-six  dollars 
and  fifty  cents.  The  bill  for  room  and  meals 
was  one  hundred  and  nineteen  dollars.  The 
rest  was  for  gettin'  clo'es  pressed  and  keepin' 
the  locker  damp. 

I  didn't  have  no  appetite  for  breakfast.  I 
told  the  Wife  I'd  wait  up  in  the  room  and  for 
her  to  come  when  she  got  through.  When  she 
blew  in  I  had  my  speech  prepared. 

"Look  here,"  I  says;  "this  is  our  eighth  day 
in  Palm  Beach  society.  You're  on  speakin' 
terms  with  a  maid  and  I've  got  acquainted  with 
half  a  dozen  o'  the  male  hired  help.  It's  cost 
us  about  a  hundred  and  sixty-five  dollars,  in- 
cludin'  them  private  rooms  down  to  the  Casino 
and  our  Afromobile  trips,  and  this  and  that. 
You  know  a  whole  lot  o'  swell  people  by  sight, 
but  you  can't  talk  to  'em.  It'd  be  just  as  much 
satisfaction  and  hundreds  o'  dollars  cheaper  to 
look  up  their  names  in  the  telephone  directory 
at  home ;  then  phone  to  'em  and,  when  you  got 
'em,  tell  'em  it  was  the  wrong  number.  Tliat 
way,  you'd  get  'em  to  speak  to  you  at  least. 
145 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"As  for  sport,"  I  says,  "we  don't  play  golf 
and  we  don't  play  tennis  and  we  don't  swim. 
We  go  through  the  same  program  o'  doin' 
nothin'  every  day.  We  dance,  but  we  don't 
never  change  partners.  For  twelve  dollars  I 
could  buy  a  phonograph  up  home  and  I  and 
you  could  trot  round  the  livin'-room  all  evenin' 
without  no  danger  o'  havin'  some  o'  them  fancy 
birds  cave  our  shins  in.  And  we  could  have 
twice  as  much  liquid  refreshments  up  there  at 
about  a  twentieth  the  cost. 

"That  Gould  I  met  on  the  train  comin' 
down,"  I  says,  "was  a  even  bigger  liar  than  I 
give  him  credit  for.  He  says  that  when  he  was 
here  people  pestered  him  to  death  bj^  comin'  up 
and  speakin'  to  him.  We  ain't  had  to  dodge 
nobody  or  hide  behind  a  cocoanut  tree  to  remain 
exclusive.  He  says  Palm  Beach  was  too  com- 
mon for  him.  What  he  sliould  of  said  was 
that  it  was  too  lonesome.  If  they  was  just  one 
white  man  here  that'd  listen  to  my  stuff  I 
wouldn't  have  no  kick.  But  it  ain't  no  pleas- 
146 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

ure  tellin'  stories  to  the  Ephs.  They  laugh 
wliether  it's  good  or  not,  and  then  want  a  dime 
for  laughin'. 

"As  for  our  clo'es,"  I  says,  "they  would  be 
all  right  for  a  couple  o'  days'  stay.  But  the 
dames  round  here,  and  the  men,  too,  has  some- 
thin'  different  to  put  on  for  every  mornin',  aft- 
ernoon and  night.  You've  wore  your  two  eve- 
nin'  gowns  so  much  that  I  just  have  to  snap  my 
finger  at  the  hooks  and  they  go  and  grab  the 
right  eyes. 

"The  meals  would  be  grand,"  I  says,  "if  the 
cook  didn't  keep  gettin'  mixed  up  and  puttin' 
puddin'  sauce  on  the  meat  and  gravy  on  the 
pie. 

"I'm  glad  we've  been  to  Palm  Beach,"  I 
says.  "I  wouldn't  of  missed  it  for  nothin'.  But 
the  ocean  won't  be  no  different  to-morrow  than 
it  was  yesterday,  and  the  same  for  the  daily 
jirogram.  It  don't  even  rain  here,  to  give  us  a 
little  variety. 

"Now  what  do  you  say,"  I  says,  "to  us  just 
147 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

settlin'  this  bill,  and  whatever  we  owe  since 
then,  and  beatin'  it  out  o'  here  just  as  fast  as  we 
can  go?" 

The  Missus  didn't  say  nothin'  for  a  w'ile. 
She  was  too  busy  cryin'.  She  knowed  that 
what  I'd  said  was  the  truth,  but  she  wouldn't 
give  up  without  a  struggle. 

"Just  three  more  days,"  she  says  finally.  "If 
we  don't  meet  somebody  worth  meetin'  in  the 
next  three  days  I'll  go  wherever  you  want  to 
take  me." 

"All  right,"  I  says;  "three  more  days  it  is. 
What's  a  little  matter  o'  sixty  dollars?" 

Well,  in  them  next  two  days  and  a  half  she 
done  some  desperate  flirtin',  but  as  it  was  all 
with  women  I  didn't  get  jealous.  She  picked 
out  some  o'  the  E -light  o'  Chicago  and  tried 
every  trick  she  could  think  up.  She  told  'em 
their  noses  was  shiny  and  offered  'em  her  pow- 
der. She  stepped  on  their  white  shoes  just 
so's  to  get  a  chance  to  beg  their  pardon.  She 
told  'em  their  clo'es  was  unliooked,  and  then 
imhooked  'em  so's  she  could  hook  'em  up  again. 
148 


GULLIRLE'S    TRAVELS 

She  tried  to  loan  'em  her  finger-nail  tools. 
When  she  seen  one  fannin'  herself  she'd  say: 
"Excuse  me,  Mrs.  So-and-So;  but  we  got  the 
coolest  room  in  the  hotel,  and  I'd  be  glad  to 
have  you  go  up  there  and  quit  perspirin'."  But 
not  a  rise  did  she  get. 

Not  till  the  afternoon  o'  the  third  day  o' 
grace.  And  I  don't  know  if  I  ought  to  tell  you 
this  or  not — only  I'm  sure  you  won't  spill  it 
nowheres. 

We'd  went  up  in  our  room  after  lunch.  I 
was  tired  out  and  she  was  discouraged.  We'd 
set  round  for  over  an  hour,  not  sayin'  or  doin' 
nothin'. 

I  wanted  to  talk  about  the  chance  of  us  get- 
tin'  away  the  next  mornin',  but  I  didn't  dast 
bring  up  the  subject. 

The  Missus  complained  of  it  bein'  hot  and 
opened  the  door  to  leave  the  breeze  go  through. 
She  was  settin'  in  a  chair  near  the  doorway,  pre- 
tendin'  to  read  the  Palm  Beach  News.  All  of 
a  sudden  she  jumped  up  and  kind  o'  hissed  at 
me. 

149 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"What's  the  matter?"  I  says,  springin'  from 
the  lounge. 

"Come  here!"  she  says,  and  went  out  the  door 
into  the  hall. 

I  got  there  as  fast  as  I  could,  thinkin'  it  was 
a  rat  or  a  fire.  But  the  Missus  just  pointed  to 
a  lady  walkin'  away  from  us,  six  or  seven  doors 
down. 

"It's  Mrs.  Potter,"  she  says;  "the  Mrs.  Pot- 
ter from  Chicago!" 

"Oh!"  I  says,  puttin'  all  the  excitement  I 
could  into  my  voice. 

And  I  was  just  startin'  back  into  the  room 
when  I  seen  Mrs.  Potter  stop  and  turn  round 
and  come  to'rd  us.  She  stopped  again  maybe 
twenty  feet  from  where  the  Missus  was 
standin'. 

"Are  you  on  this  floor?"  she  says. 

The  Missus  shook  like  a  leaf. 

"Yes,"  says  she,  so  low  you  couldn't  hardly 
hear  her. 

"Please  see  that  they's  some  towels  put  in 
559,"  says  the  Mrs.  Potter  from  Chicago. 
150 


GULLIELE'S    TRAVELS 

VI 

About  five  o'clock  the  Wife  quieted  down  and 
I  thought  it  was  safe  to  talk  to  her.  "I've  been 
readin'  in  the  guide  about  a  pretty  river  trip," 
I  says.  "We  can  start  from  here  on  the  boat 
to-morrow  mornin'.  They  run  to  Fort  Pierce 
to-morrow  and  stay  there  to-morrow  night. 
The  next  day  they  go  from  Fort  Pierce  to 
Rockledge,  and  the  day  after  that  from  Rock- 
ledge  to  Daytona.  The  fare's  only  five  dollars 
apiece.  And  we  can  catch  a  north-bound  train 
at  Daytona." 

"All  right,  I  don't  care,"  says  the  IMissus. 

So  I  left  her  and  went  down-stairs  and  acrost 
the  street  to  ask  ^Ir.  Foster.  Ask  !Mr.  Foster 
happened  to  be  a  girl.  She  sold  me  the  boat 
tickets  and  promised  she  would  reserve  a  room 
with  bath  for  us  at  Fort  Pierce,  where  we  was 
to  spend  the  followin'  night.  I  bet  she  knowed 
all  the  w'ile  that  rooms  with  a  bath  in  Fort 
Pierce  is  scarcer  than  toes  on  a  sturgeon. 

I  went  back  to  the  room  and  helped  with  the 
151 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

packin'  in  an  advisory  capacity.  Neither  one 
of  us  had  the  heart  to  dress  for  dinner.  We 
ordered  somethin'  sent  up  and  got  soaked  an 
extra  dollar  for  service.  But  we  was  past  carin' 
for  a  little  thing  like  that. 

At  nine  o'clock  next  mornin'  the  good  ship 
Constitution  stopped  at  the  Poinciana  dock 
w'ile  we  piled  aboard.  One  belUiop  was  down 
to  see  us  off  and  it  cost  me  a  quarter  to  get  that 
much  attention.  Mrs.  Potter  must  of  over- 
slept herself. 

The  boat  was  loaded  to  the  guards  and  I 
ain't  braggin'  when  I  say  that  we  was  the  best- 
lookin'  people  aboard.  And  as  for  manners, 
v/hy,  say,  old  Bill  Sykes  could  of  passed  off  for 
Hem-y  Chesterfield  in  that  gang!  Each  one  o' 
them  occupied  three  o'  the  deck  chairs  and 
sprayed  orange  juice  all  over  their  neighbors. 
We  could  of  talked  to  plenty  o'  people  here,  all 
right;  they  were  as  clubby  a  gang  as  I  ever 
seen.  But  I  was  afraid  if  I  said  somethin' 
they'd  have  to  answer;  and,  with  their  mouths 
152 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

as  full  o'  citrus  fruit  as  they  was,  the  results 
might  of  been  fatal  to  my  light  suit. 

We  went  up  the  lake  to  a  canal  and  then 
through  it  to  Indian  River.  The  boat  run 
aground  every  few  minutes  and  had  to  be  pried 
loose.  About  twelve  o'clock  a  cullud  gemman 
come  up  on  deck  and  told  us  lunch  was  ready. 
At  half  past  one  he  served  it  at  a  long  family 
table  in  the  cabin.  As  far  as  I  was  concerned, 
he  might  as  well  of  left  it  on  the  stove.  Even 
if  }^ou  could  of  bit  into  the  food,  a  glimpse  of 
your  fellow  diners  would  of  strangled  your 
appetite. 

After  the  repast  I  called  the  Missus  aside. 

"Somethin  tells  me  we're  not  goin'  to  live 
through  three  days  o'  this,"  I  says.  "What 
about  takin'  the  train  from  Fort  Pierce  and 
beatin'  it  for  Jacksonville,  and  then  home?" 

"But  that'd  get  us  to  Chicago  too  quick," 
says  she.     "We  told  people  how  long  w^e  was 
goin'  to  be  gone  and  if  we  got  back  ahead  o' 
time  they'd  think  they  was  somethin'  queer." 
153 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"They's  too  much  queer  on  this  boat,"  I  says. 
"But  you're  goin'  to  have  your  own  way  from 
now  on." 

We  landed  in  Fort  Pierce  about  six.  It  was 
only  two  or  three  blocks  to  the  hotel,  but  when 
they  laid  out  that  part  o'  town  they  overlooked 
some  o'  the  modern  conveniences,  includin'  side- 
walks. We  staggered  through  the  sand  with 
our  grips  and  sure  had  worked  up  a  hunger 
by  the  time  we  reached  Ye  Inn. 

"Got  reservations  for  us  here?"  I  ast  the 
clerk. 

"Yes,"  he  says,  and  led  us  to  'em  in  person. 

The  room  he  showed  us  didn't  have  no  bath, 
or  even  a  chair  that  you  could  set  on  w'ile  you 
pulled  off  your  socks. 

"Where's  the  bath?"  I  ast  him. 

"This  way,"  he  says,  and  I  followed  him 
down  the  hall,  outdoors  and  up  an  alley. 

Finally  we  come  to  a  bathroom  complete  in 

all  details,  except  that  it  didn't  have  no  door. 

I  went  back  to  the  room,  got  the  Missus  and 

went  down  to  supper.    Well,  sir,  I  wish  you 

154 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS 

could  of  been  present  at  that  supper.  The 
choice  o'  meats  was  calves'  liver  and  onions  or 
calves'  liver  and  onions.  And  I  bet  if  them 
calves  had  of  been  still  livin'  yet  they  could  of 
gave  us  some  personal  reminiscences  about 
Garfield. 

The  Missus  give  the  banquet  one  look  and 
then  laughed  for  the  first  time  in  several  days. 

*'The  guy  that  named  this  burg  got  the  cap- 
itals mixed,"  I  says.  "It  should  of  been  Port 
Fierce." 

And  she  laughed  still  heartier.  Takin'  ad- 
vantage, I  says: 

*'How  about  the  train  from  here  to  Jackson- 
ville?" 

"You  win!"  says  she.  "We  can't  get  home 
too  soon  to  suit  me." 

VII 

The  mornin'  we  landed  in  Chicago  it  was 
about  eight  above  and  a  wind  was  comin'  ofFen 
the  Lake  a  mile  a  minute.  But  it  didn't  feaze 
us. 

155 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Lord!"  says  the  Missus.  "Ain't  it  grand  to 
be  home !" 

"You  said  somethin',"  says  I.  "But  wouldn't 
it  of  been  grander  if  we  hadn't  never  left?" 

"I  don't  know  about  that,"  she  says.  "I 
think  we  both  of  us  learned  a  lesson." 

"Yes,"  I  says ;  "and  the  tuition  wasn't  only  a 
matter  o'  close  to  seven  himdred  bucks!" 

"Oh,"  says  she,  "we'll  get  that  back  easy!" 

"How?"  I  ast  her.  "Do  you  expect  some 
tips  on  the  market  from  Mrs.  Potter  and  the 
rest  o'  your  new  friends?" 

"No,"  she  says.  "We'll  win  it.  We'll  win  it 
in  the  rummy  game  with  the  Hatches." 


THE  WATER  CURE 

When  it  comes  to.makin'  matches  I  hand  it 
to  the  women.  When  it  comes  to  breakin'  'em 
leave  it  to  the  handsomer  sex. 

The  thirteenth  o'  June  didn't  light  on  a  Fri- 
day, but  old  Tuesday  come  through  in  the 
pinch  with  just  as  good  results.  Dear  little 
Sister-in-law  Bess  blew  in  on  the  afternoon 
train  from  Wabash.  She  says  she  was  makin' 
us  a  surprise  visit.  The  surprise  aif  ected  me  a 
good  deal  like  the  one  that  was  pulled  on  Na- 
poleon at  Waterloo,  la. 

"How  long  are  you  goin'  to  light  up  our 
home?"  I  ast  her  at  the  supper  table. 

"I  haven't  made  up  my  mind,"  says  she. 

"That's  all  you've  missed,  then,"  I  says. 

"Don't  mind  him!"  says  my  Missus.    "He's 
just  a  tease.    You  look  grand  and  we're  both 
tickled  to  death  to  have  you  here.    You  may 
stay  with  us  all  summer." 
157 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"No  question  about  that,"  I  says.  "Not  only 
may,  but  li'ble  to." 

"If  I  do,"  says  Bess,  "it'll  be  on  my  sister's 
account,  not  yourn." 

"But  I'm  the  baby  that  settles  your  sister's 
account,"  I  says;  "and  it  was  some  account 
after  you  left  us  last  winter.  With  your  visit 
and  our  cute  little  trip  to  Palm  Beach,  I'm  not 
what  you'd  call  cramped  for  pocket  space." 

"I  guess  I  can  pay  my  board,"  says  Bess. 

"I  guess  you  won't!"  says  the  Wife. 

"The  second  guess  is  always  better,"  says  I. 

"As  for  you  entertainin'  me,  I  don't  expect 
nothin'  like  that,"  says  Bess. 

"If  you  was  lookin'  for  a  quiet  time,"  I  says, 
"you  made  a  big  mistake  by  leavin'  Wabash." 

"And  I'm  not  lookin'  for  no  quiet  time, 
neither,"  Bess  says  right  back  at  me. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "about  the  cheapest  noisy 
time  I  can  recommend  is  to  go  over  and  set 
mider  the  elevated." 

"Maybe  Bess  has  somethin'  up  in  her  sleeve," 
158 


THE    WATER   CURE 

the  Missus  says,  smilin'.    "You  ain't  the  only 
man  in  Chicago." 

"I'm  the  only  one  she  knows,"  says  I,  "out- 
side o'  that  millionaire  scenario  writer  that  had 
us  all  in  misery  last  winter.  And  I  wouldn't 
say  he  was  over-ardent  after  he'd  knew  her  a 
week." 

Then  the  Wife  winked  at  me  to  close  up  and 
I  didn't  get  the  dope  till  we  was  alone  together. 

"They  correspond,"  she  told  me. 

"Absolutely,"  says  I. 

"I  mean  they  been  writin'  letters  to  each 
other,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Who's  been  buyin'  Bishop's  stamps?"  I  ast 
her. 

"I  guess  a  man  can  buy  his  own  stamps  when 
he  gets  ten  thousand  a  j^ear,"  says  she.  "Any- 
way, the  reason  Bess  is  here  is  to  see  him." 

"Is  it  illegal  for  him  to  go  to  Wabash  and 
see  her?"  I  says. 

"He's  too  busy  to  go  to  Wabash,"  the  Wife 
says. 

159 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"I  don't  see  how  a  man  could  be  too  busy  for 
that,"  says  I. 

"She  phoned  him  this  noon,"  says  the  Missus. 
"He  couldn't  come  over  here  to-night,  but  to- 
morrow he's  goin'  to  take  her  to  the  ball  game." 

"Where  all  the  rest  o'  the  busy  guys  hangs 
out,"  I  says.  "Aren't  the  White  Sox  bavin' 
enough  bad  luck  without  him?" 

That  reminded  me  that  I'd  came  home  before 
the  final  extras  was  out ;  so  I  put  on  my  hat  and 
went  over  to  Tim's  to  look  at  the  score-board. 
It  took  me  till  one  a.  m.  to  memorize  the  bat- 
teries and  everything.  The  Wife  was  still 
awake  yet  when  I  got  home  and  I  had  enough 
courage  to  resume  hostilities. 

"If  what  you  told  me  about  Bishop  and  Bess 
is  true,"  I  says,  "I  guess  I'll  pack  up  and  go 
fishin'  for  the  rest  o'  the  summer." 

"And  leave  me  to  starve,  I  suppose!"  says 
she. 

"Bishop'll  take  care  of  the  both  o'  you,"  I 
says.  "If  he  don't  I'll  send  you  home  a  couple 
o'  carp." 

160 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"If  you  go  and  leave  me  it's  the  last  time!" 
she  says.  "And  it  shows  you  don't  care  nothin' 
about  me." 

"I  care  about  you,  all  right,"  I  says;  "but 
not  enough  to  be  drove  crazy  in  my  own  house." 

"They's  nothin'  for  you  to  go  crazy  about," 
she  says.  "If  Bess  and  Mr.  Bishop  wants  to 
tie  up  leave  'em  alone  and  forget  about  'em." 

"I'd  like  nothin'  better,"  I  says;  "but  you 
know  they'll  give  us  no  chance  to  forget  about 
'em." 

"Why  not?"  she  ast  me. 

"Because  they'd  starve  to  death  without  us," 
I  says. 

"Starve  to  death!"  she  says.  "On  ten  thou- 
sand a  year!" 

"Now  here!"  I  says.  "Who  told  you  he  got 
that  trifle?" 

"He  did,"  says  the  Wife. 

"And  how  do  you  know  he  wasn't  overesti- 
matin'?"  I  ast  her. 

"You  mean  how  do  I  know  he  w^asn't  lyin'?'* 
she  says. 

161 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Yes,"  says  I. 

"Because  he's  a  gentleman,"  she  says. 

"And  he  told  you  that,  too?"  I  ast. 

"No,"  she  says.  "I  could  tell  that  by  lookin' 
at  him." 

"All  right,  Clara  Voyant!"  I  says.  "And 
maybe  you  can  tell  by  lookin'  at  me  how  much 
money  he  borrowed  ofF'n  me  and  never  give 
back." 

"When?    How  much?"  she  says. 

"One  at  a  time,  please,"  says  I.  "The 
amount  o'  the  cash  transaction  was  a  twenty- 
dollar  gold  certificate.  And  the  time  he  shook 
me  down  was  the  evenin'  he  took  us  to  hear 
^Ada„  and  was  supposed  to  be  payin'  for  it." 

"I  can't  believe  it,"  says  the  Missus. 

"All  right,"  I  says.  "When  he  brings  Bes- 
sie home  from  the  ball  game  to-morrow  I'll  put 
it  up  to  him  right  in  front  o'  you." 

"No!  You  mustn't  do  that!"  she  says.  "I 
won't  have  him  insulted." 

"You  would  have  him  insulted  if  I  knowed 
how  to  go  about  it,"  I  says. 
162 


THE    WATER   CURE 

"You  stayed  over  to  Tim's  too  long,"  says 
the  Wife. 

"Yes,"  says  I,  "and  I  made  arrangements  to 
stay  over  there  every  time  Bishop  comes  here." 

"Suit  yourself,"  she  says,  and  pretended  like 
she  was  asleep. 

Well,  the  next  mornin'  I  got  to  thinkin'  over 
what  I'd  said  and  wonderin'  if  I'd  went  too 
strong.  But  I  couldn't  see  where.  This  bird 
was  a  dude  that  had  got  acquainted  with  Bessie 
on  the  train  when  she  was  on  her  way  here  to 
visit  us  last  winter.  He'd  infested  the  house 
all  the  while  she  was  with  us.  He'd  gave  us 
that  ten-thousand-dollar  yarn  and  told  us  he 
made  it  by  writin'  movin'-pitcher  plays,  but  we 
never  seen  none  o'  them  advertised  and  never 
run  into  anybody  that  had  heard  of  him. 

The  Missus  had  picked  him  out  for  Bess  the 
minute  she  seen  him.  Bessie  herself  had  fell 
for  him  strong.  To  keep  'em  both  from  drop- 
pin'  cyanide  in  my  gruel,  I'd  took  him  along 
with  us  to  see  The  Love  d  Three  Kings,  be- 
sides buyin'  his  groceries  and  provisions  for 
163 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

pretty  near  a  week  and  standin'  for  the  upkeep 
on  the  davenport  where  him  and  Bess  held 
hands.  Finally,  after  he'd  went  six  days  with- 
out submittin'  even  circumstantial  evidence 
that  he'd  ever  had  a  dime,  I  bullied  him  into 
sayin'  he'd  give  us  a  party. 

Then  they'd  been  an  argument  over  where 
he'd  take  us.  He'd  suggested  a  vaudeville 
show,  but  I  jumped  on  that  with  both  feet. 
Bessie  held  out  for  a  play,  but  I  told  her  they 
wasn't  none  that  I'd  leave  a  young  unmarried 
sister-in-law  o'  mine  go  to. 

"Oh,"  Bess  had  said,  "they  must  be  some 
that's  perfectly  genteel." 

"Yes,"  I  told  her,  "there  is  some;  but  they're 
not  worth  seein'." 

So  they'd  ast  what  was  left  and  I'd  men- 
tioned grand  opera. 

"They're  worse  than  plays,  the  most  o' 
them,"  was  the  Wife's  cut-in. 

"But  all  the  risky  parts  is  sang  in  Latin  and 
Greek,"  I'd  said. 

Well,  Bishop  put  up  a  great  fight,  but  I 
164 


THE    WATER   CURE 

wouldn't  break  ground,  and  finally  he  says  he 
would  take  us  to  opera  if  he  could  get  tickets. 

"I'm  down-town  every  day,"  I'd  told  him. 
"I'll  have  'em  reserved  for  you." 

But  no;  he  wouldn't  see  me  put  to  all  that 
trouble  for  the  world ;  he'd  do  the  buyin'  him- 
self. 

So  Ada  was  what  he  took  us  to  on  a  Sunday 
night,  when  the  seats  was  cut  to  half  price. 
And  when  I  and  him  went  out  between  acts  to 
try  the  limes  he  catched  me  with  my  guard 
down  and  frisked  the  twenty. 

Now  Bess  had  tipped  off  the  Wife  that  her 
and  Bishop  was  practically  engaged,  but  the 
night  after  Ada  was  the  last  night  of  her  visit 
and  Bishop  hadn't  never  came  round.  So  Bes- 
sie'd  cried  all  night  and  tried  to  get  him  by 
phone  before  she  left  next  day;  but  neither  o' 
them  two  acts  done  her  any  good.  It  looked 
like  he  was  all  through.  On  the  way  to  the 
train  Bess  and  the  3Iissus  had  ruined  three  or 
four  handkerchiefs  and  called  the  bird  every 
low-down  flirt  they  could  think  of,  I  didn't 
165 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

say  a  word;  nor  did  I  perfume  my  linen  with 
brine. 


Here,  though,  was  Bess  back  In  town  and 
Old  Man  Short  makin'  up  to  her  again.  And 
they'd  been  correspondin'.  The  second  time 
was  li'ble  to  take,  unless  outside  brains  come  to 
the  rescue. 

If  I'd  thought  for  a  minute  that  they'd  leave 
us  out  of  it  and  go  away  somewhere  by  them- 
self  and  live — the  North  Side,  or  one  o'  the 
suburbs,  or  Wabash — I  wouldn't  of  cared  how 
many  times  they  married  each  other.  But  I 
had  him  spotted  for  a  loafer  that  couldn't  earn 
a  livin',  and  I  knowed  what  the  maritile  nup- 
tials between  Bess  and  he  meant — it  meant  that 
I  and  the  Missus  would  have  all  the  pleasures  o' 
conductin'  a  family  hotel  without  the  pain  o' 
makin'  out  receipts. 

Now  I  always  wanted  a  boy  and  a  girl,  but 

I  wanted  'em  to  be  kind  o'  youngish  when  I  got 

'em.    I  never  craved  addin'  a  married  couple  to 

my  family — not  even  if  they  was  crazy  about 

166 


THE    WATER    CURE 

rummy  and  paid  all  their  bills.  And  when  it 
come  to  Bishop  and  Bess,  well,  they  was  just  as 
welcome  to  my  home  as  Villa  and  all  the  little 
Villains. 

It  wasn't  just  Bishop,  with  his  quaint  habit 
o'  never  havin'  car  fare.  Bess,  in  her  way,  was 
as  much  of  a  liabilit3\  You  couldn't  look  at 
lier  without  a  slight  relapse.  She  had  two  com- 
plexions— A.  M.  and  p.  M.  The  p.  :\r.  wasn't  so 
bad,  but  she  could  of  put  the  other  in  her  vanity 
box  for  a  mirror.  Her  nose  curved  a  little 
away  from  the  batsman  and  wasn't  no  wider 
than  a  Julienne  potato,  and  j^et  it  had  to  draw 
in  to  get  between  her  eyes.  Her  teeth  was  real 
pretty  and  she  always  kept  her  lips  ajar.  But 
the  baseball  reporters  named  jMatty's  favorite 
delivery  after  her  chin,  and  from  there  down 
the  curves  was  taboo. 

Where  she  made  a  hit  with  Bishop  was 
laughin'  at  everything  he  pulled — that  is,  he 
thought  she  was  laughin'.  The  fact  was  that 
she  was  snatchin'  the  chance  to  show  more  o' 
them  teeth.  They  wasn't  no  use  showin'  'em 
167 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

to  me;  so  I  didn't  get  laughs  from  her  on  my 
stuff,  only  when  he  or  some  other  stranger  was 
round.  And  if  my  stuff  wasn't  funnier  than 
Bishop's  I'll  lay  down  my  life  for  Austria. 

As  a  general  rule,  I  don't  think  a  man  is 
justified  in  interferin'  with  other  people's  hy- 
meneal intentions,  but  it's  different  when  the 
said  intentions  is  goin'  to  make  your  own  home 
a  hell. 

It  was  up  to  me  to  institute  proceedin's  that 
would  check  the  flight  o'  these  two  cooin'  doves 
before  their  wings  took  'em  to  Crown  Point 
in  a  yellow  flivver. 

And  I  seen  my  duty  all  the  more  clear  when 
the  pair  come  home  from  the  ball  game  the  day 
after  Bessie's  arrival,  and  not  only  told  me  that 
the  "Wliite  Sox  got  another  trimmin'  but 
laughed  when  they  said  it. 

"Well,.  Bishop,"  I  saj^s  when  we  set  down  to 
supper,  "how  many  six-reelers  are  you  turnin' 
out  a  day?" 

"About  one  every  two  weeks  is  the  limit," 
says  Bishop. 

168 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"I'll  bet  it  is,"  I  says.  "And  who  are  you 
workin'  for  now?" 

"The  Western  Film  Corporation,"  he  says. 
"But  I'm  goin'  to  quit  'em  the  first  o'  the 
month." 

"What  for?"  last  him. 

"Better  offer  from  the  Criterion,"  he  says. 

"Better'n  ten  thousand  a  year?"  says  I. 

"Sure!"  he  says. 

"Twenty  dollars  better?"  I  says. 

He  blushed  and  the  Wife  sunk  my  shin  with 
a  patent-leather  torpedo.     Then  Bishop  says: 

"The  raise  I'm  gettin'  would  make  twenty 
dollars  look  sick." 

"If  you'd  give  it  to  me,"  I  says,  "I'd  try  and 
nui-se  it  back  to  health." 

After  supper  the  jNIissus  called  me  out  in  the 
kitchen  to  bawl  me  out. 

"It's  rough  stuff  to  embarrass  a  guest,"  she 
says. 

"He's  always  embarrassed,"  says  I.     "But 
you  admit  now,  don't  you,  that  I  was  telHn'  the 
truth  about  him  touchin'  me  ?" 
169 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Yes,"  she  says. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "if  he's  so  soiled  with  money, 
why  don't  he  pay  a  little  puny  debt?" 

"He's  probably  forgot  it,"  says  she. 

"Did  he  look  like  he'd  forgot  it?"  I  ast  her. 
And  she  had  no  come-back. 

But  when  my  Missus  can  overlook  a  guy 
stingin'  me  for  legal  tender,  it  means  he's  in 
pretty  strong  with  her.  And  I  couldn't  count 
on  no  help  from  her,  even  if  Bishop  was  a  mur- 
derer, so  long  as  Bess  wanted  him. 

The  next  mornin',  just  to  amuse  myself,  I 
called  up  the  Criterion  people  and  ast  them  if 
they  was  goin'  to  hire  a  scenario  writer  name 
Elmer  Bishop. 

"Never  heard  of  him,"  was  what  they  told 
me. 

So  I  called  up  the  Western. 

"Elmer  Bishop?"  they  says.  "He  ain't  no 
scenario  writer.  He's  what  we  call  an  extra. 
He  plays  small  parts  sometimes." 

"And  what  pay  do  them  extras  drag  down?" 
I  ast. 

170 


THE    WATER   CURE 

"Five  dollars  a  day,  but  nothin'  when  they 
don't  work,"  was  the  thrillin'  response. 

My  first  idea  was  to  slip  this  dope  to  the 
Wife  and  Bess  both.  But  what'd  be  the  use? 
They  wouldn't  believe  it  even  if  they  called  up 
and  found  out  for  themself ;  and  if  they  did  be- 
lieve it,  Bessie'd  say  a  man's  pay  didn't  make 
no  difference  where  true  love  was  concerned, 
and  the  ^lissus  would  take  her  part,  and  they'd 
cry  a  little,  and  wind  up  by  sendin'  for  Bishop 
and  a  minister  to  make  sure  o'  the  ceremony 
comin'  off  before  Bishop  lost  his  five-dollar 
job  and  croaked  himself. 

Then  I  thought  o'  forbiddin'  him  the  hospi- 
tality o'  my  abode.  But  that'd  be  just  as  use- 
less. They'd  meet  somewheres  else,  and  if  I 
threatened  to  lock  Bess  out,  the  Wife'd  come 
back  with  a  counter-proposition  to  not  give  me 
no  more  stewed  beets  or  banana  souffles.  Be- 
sides that,  strong-arm  methods  don't  never  kill 
sweet  love,  but  act  just  the  opposite  and  make 
the  infected  parties  more  set  on  gettin'  each 
other.    This  here  case  was  somethin'  delicate, 

m 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

and  if  a  man  didn't  handle  it  exactly  right  you 
wouldn't  never  get  over  bein'  sorry. 

So,  instead  o'  me  quarrelin'  with  the  Wife 
and  Bess,  and  raisin'  a  fuss  at  Bishop  spendin' 
eight  evenin's  a  week  with  us,  I  kept  my  clam 
closed  and  tried  to  be  pleasant,  even  when  I'd 
win  a  hand  o'  rummy  and  see  this  guy  care- 
lessly lose  a  few  of  his  remainin'  face  cards 
under  the  table. 

We  had  an  awful  spell  o'  heat  in  July  and  it 
wasn't  no  fun  playin'  cards  or  goin'  to  pitcher 
shows,  or  nothin'.  Saturday  afternoons  and 
Sundays,  I  and  the  Missus  would  go  over  to 
the  lake  and  splash.  Bess  only  went  with  us  a 
couple  o'  times;  that  was  because  she  couldn't 
get  Bishop  to  come  along.  He'd  always  say  he 
was  busy,  or  he  had  a  cold  and  was  afraid  o' 
makin'  it  worse.  So  far  as  I  was  concerned,  I 
managed  to  enjoy  my  baths  just  as  much  with 
them  two  stayin'  away.  The  sight  o'  Bessie  in 
a  bathin'  suit  crabbed  the  exhilaratin'  eif  ects 
o'  the  swim.  When  she  stood  up  in  the  water 
172 


THE   WATER   CURE 

the  minnows  must  of  thought  two  people  was 
still-fishin'. 

It  was  one  night  at  supper,  after  Bessie'd 
been  with  us  about  a  month,  when  the  idear 
come  to  me.  Bishop  was  there,  and  I'd  been 
lookin'  at  he  and  Bess,  and  wonderin'  what 
they'd  seen  in  each  other.  The  Missus  ast  'em 
if  they  was  goin'  out  some  place. 

"No,"  says  Bessie.  "It's  too  hot  and  they 
ain't  no  place  to  go." 

"They's  lots  o'  places  to  go,"  says  the  Wife. 
"For  one  thing,  they're  havin'  grand  opera  out 
to  Ravinia  Park." 

"I  wouldn't  give  a  nickel  to  see  a  grand  op- 
era," says  Bess,  "unless  it  was  Ada^  that  Elmer 
took  us  to  last  winter." 

So  they  went  on  talkin'  about  somethin'  else. 
I  don't  know  what,  because  the  minute  she  men- 
tioned Adal  was  all  set. 

I  guess  maybe  I'd  better  tell  you  a  little 
about  this  here  opera,  so's  you'll  see  how  it 
helped  me  out.  A  fella  named  Gus  Verdi 
173 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

wrote  it,  and  the  scenes  is  laid  along  the  Illinois 
Central,  round  Memphis  and  Cairo.  Ada's  a 
big  wench,  with  a  pretty  voice,  and  she's  the 
hired  girl  in  the  mayor's  family.  The  mayor's 
daughter  gets  stuck  on  a  fat  little  tenor  that 
you  can't  pronounce  and  that  should  of  had  a 
lawn  mower  ran  over  his  chin.  The  tenor  likes 
the  colored  girl  better  than  the  mayor's  daugh- 
ter, and  the  mayor's  daughter  tries  every  way 
she  can  think  of  to  bust  it  up  and  grab  off  the 
tenor  for  herself;  but  nothin'  doin'!  Finally 
the  mayor  has  the  tenor  pinched  for  keepin' 
open  after  one  o'clock,  and  the  law's  pretty 
strict;  so,  instead  o'  just  finin'  him,  they  lock 
him  up  in  a  safety-deposit  vault.  Well,  the 
wench  is  down  in  the  vault,  too,  dustin'  off  the 
papers  and  cleanin'  the  silver,  and  they  don't 
know  she's  there ;  so  the  two  o'  them's  locked  up 
together  and  can't  get  out.  And  when  they 
can't  get  away  and  haven't  got  nobody  else  to 
look  at  or  talk  to,  they  get  so's  thej^  hate  each 
other;  and  finally  they  can't  stand  it  no  longer 
and  they  both  die.  They's  pretty  music  in  it, 
174 


THE   WATER    CURE 

but  if  old  Gus  had  of  seen  the  men  that  was 
goin'  to  be  in  the  show  he'd  of  laid  the  scenes  in 
Beardstown  instead  o'  INIemphis. 

Well,  do  you  get  the  idear?  If  the  mayor's 
daughter  had  of  been  smart,  instead  o'  tryin' 
to  keej)  the  tenor  and  Ada  from  bein'  with 
each  other  she'd  of  locked  'em  up  together  a 
long  while  ago,  and,  first  thing  you  know, 
they'd  of  been  sick  o'  one  another;  and  just 
before  thej^  died  she  could  of  let  'em  out  and 
had  the  tenor  for  herself  without  no  argument. 

And  the  same  thing  would  work  with  Bishop 
and  Bess.  In  all  the  time  o'  their  mutual 
courtship  they  hadn't  been  together  for  more'n 
five  or  six  hours  at  a  time,  and  never  where 
one  o'  them  couldn't  make  a  quick  duck  when 
they  got  tired.  JNIake  'em  stick  round  with 
each  other  for  a  day,  or  for  two  days,  without 
no  chance  to  separate,  and  it  M^as  a  cinch  that 
the  alarm  clock  would  break  in  on  Love's 
Young  Dream. 

But,  for  some  reason  or  other,  I  didn't  have 
no  safety-deposit  vault  and  they  wasn't  no 
175 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

room  in  the  flat  that  they  couldn't  get  out  of 
by  jumpin'  from  the  window. 

How  was  I  goin'  to  work  it?  I  thought 
and  thought;  and  figured  and  figured;  and  it 
wasn't  till  after  I'd  went  to  bed  that  the  solu- 
tion come. 

A  boat  trip  to  St.  Joe!  I  and  the  Missus 
and  the  two  love  birds.  And  I'd  see  to  it  that 
the  chaperons  kept  their  distance  and  let  Na- 
ture take  its  course.  We'd  go  over  some  Sat- 
urday afternoon  and  come  back  the  next  night. 
That'd  give  'em  eight  or  nine  hours  Saturday 
and  from  twelve  to  sixteen  hours  Sunday  to 
get  really  acquainted  with  each  other.  And 
if  they  was  still  on  speakin'  terms  at  the  end 
o'  that  time  I'd  pass  up  the  case  as  incurable. 

You  see,  I  had  it  doped  that  Bishop  was 
afraid  o'  water  or  else  he  wouldn't  of  turned 
down  all  our  swimmin'  parties.  I  wouldn't 
leave  him  a  chance  to  duck  out  o'  this  because 
I  wouldn't  tell  nobody  where  we  was  goin'. 
It'd  be  a  surprise  trip.  And  they  was  a  good 
176 


THE   WATER   CURE 

chance  that  they'd  both  be  sick  if  it  was  the 
least  bit  rough,  and  that'd  help  a  lot.  I 
thought  of  jNIilwaukee  first,  but  picked  St.  Joe 
because  it's  dry.  A  man  might  stand  for  Bess 
a  whole  day  and  more  if  he  was  a  little  blear- 
eyed  from  ^lilwaukee's  favorite  food. 

The  trip  would  cost  me  some  money,  but  it 
was  an  investment  with  a  good  chance  o'  big 
returns.  I'd  of  been  willin'  to  take  'em  to  Palm 
Beach  for  a  month  if  that'd  been  the  only  way 
to  save  my  home. 

When  Bishop  blew  in  the  next  evenin'  I 
pulled  it  on  'em. 

"Bishop,"  I  says,  ''a  man  that  does  as  much 
brain  work  as  you  ought  to  get  more  recrea- 
tion." 

"I  guess  I  do  work  too  hard,"  he  says  mod- 
estly. 

*'I  should  think,"  I  says,  "that  you'd  give 
yourself  Saturday  afternoons  and  Sundays 
off." 

"I  do,  in  summer,"  he  saj^s. 
177 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"That's  good,"  I  says.  "I  was  thinkin'  about 
givin'  a  little  party  this  comin'  week-end ;  and, 
o'  course,  I  wanted  you  to  be  in  on  it." 

The  two  girls  got  all  excited. 

"Party!"  says  the  Missus.  "What  kind  of 
a  party?" 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I  was  thinkin'  about  takin' 
you  and  Bishop  and  Bess  out  o'  town  for  a 
little  trip." 

"Where  to?"  ast  the  Wife. 

"That's  a  secret,"  I  says.  "You  won't  know 
where  we're  goin'  till  we  start.  All  I'll  tell 
you  is  that  we'll  be  gone  from  Saturday  after- 
noon till  ^londay  mornin'." 

"Oh,  how  grand!"  says  Bessie.  "And  think 
how  romantic  it'll  be,  not  knowin'  where  we're 
headed!" 

"I  don't  know  if  I  can  get  away  or  not,"  says 
Bishop. 

"I  pay  all  expenses,"  says  I. 

"Oh,  Elmer,  you've  just  got  to  go!"  says 
Bess. 

",The  trip's  off  if  you  don't,"  I  says. 
178 


THE    WATER   CURE 

"If  you  don't  say  yes  I'll  never  speak  to  you 
again,"  says  Bessie. 

For  a  minute  I  hoped  he  wouldn't  say  yes; 
but  he  did.  Then  I  told  'em  that  the  start 
would  be  from  our  house  at  a  quarter  to  one 
Saturday,  and  to  pack  up  their  sporty  clothes. 
The  rest  o'  the  evenin'  w^as  spent  in  them  try- 
in'  to  guess  where  we  was  goin'.  It  got  'em 
nothin',  because  I  wouldn't  say  aye,  yes  or  no 
to  none  o'  their  guesses. 

When  I  and  the  IMissus  was  alone,  she  says: 

"Well,  what's  the  idear?" 

"No  idear  at  all,"  I  saj's,  "except  that  our 
honeymoon  trip  to  Palm  Beach  was  a  flivver 
and  I  feel  like  as  if  I  ought  to  make  up  to  you 
for  it.  And  besides  that,  Bessie's  our  guest 
and  I  ought  to  do  somethin'  nice  for  she  and 
her  friend." 

"I'd  think  you  must  of  been  drinkin'  if  I 
didn't  know  better,"  she  says. 

"You  never  do  give  me  credit  for  nothin'," 
saj^s  I.  "To  tell  the  truth,  I'm  kind  of  ashamed 
o'  myself  for  the  way  I  been  actin'  to'rd  Bishop 
179 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

and  Bess;  but  I'm  willin'  to  make  amends  be- 
fore it's  too  late.  If  Bishop's  goin'  to  be  one 
o'  the  family  I  and  him  should  ought  to  be 
good  friends." 

"That's  the  way  I  like  to  hear  you  talk," 
says  the  Wife. 

"But  remember,"  I  says,  "this  trip  ain't  only 
for  their  benefit,  but  for  our'n  too.  And  from 
the  minute  we  start  till  we  get  home  us  two '11 
pal  round  together  just  like  we  was  alone.  We 
don't  want  them  buttin'  in  on  us  and  we  don't 
want  to  be  buttin'  in  on  them." 

"That  suits  me  fine!"  says  she.  "And  now 
maybe  you'll  tell  me  where  we're  goin'." 

"You  promise  not  to  tell?"  I  ast  her. 

"Sure!"  she  says. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "that's  one  promise  you'll 
keep." 

And  I  buried  my  good  ear  in  the  feathers. 

At  twenty  minutes  to  two,  Saturday  after- 
noon, I  landed  my  entire  party  at  the  dock, 
foot  o'  Wabash  Avenue. 
180 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"Goody!"  says  Bess.  "We're  goin'  acrost 
the  lake." 

"If  the  boat  stays  up." 

"I  don't  know  if  I  ought  to  go  or  not,"  says 
Bishop.  "I'd  ought  to  be  where  I  can  keep 
in  touch  with  the  Criterion  people." 

"They  got  a  wireless  aboard,"  I  says. 

"Yes,"  says  Bishop;  "but  they  wouldn't 
know  where  to  reach  me." 

"You  got  time  to  phone  'em  before  we  sail," 
says  I. 

"No,  he  hasn't,"  saj^s  Bessie.  "He  ain't  goin' 
to  take  no  chance  o'  missin'  this  boat.  He  can 
send  'em  a  wireless  after  we  start." 

So  that  settled  Bishop,  and  he  had  to  walk 
up  the  gangplank  with  the  rest  of  us.  He 
looked  just  as  pleased  as  if  they'd  lost  his  laun- 
dry. 

I  checked  the  baggage  and  sent  the  three 
o'  them  up  on  deck,  say  in'  I'd  join  'em  later. 
Then  I  ast  a  boy  where  the  bar  was. 

"Right  in  there,"  he  says,  pointin'.  "But 
you  can't  get  nothin'  till  we're  three  miles  out." 
181 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

So  I  went  back  to  the  gangplank  and 
started  off  the  boat.  A  man  about  four  years 
old,  with  an  addin'  machine  in  his  hand, 
stopped  me. 

"Are  you  goin'  to  make  the  trip?"  he  ast  me. 

"What  do  you  think  I'm  on  here  for — to 
borrow  a  match?"  says  I. 

"Well,"  he  says,  "you  can't  get  off." 

"You're  cross!"  I  says.  "I  bet  your  milk 
don't  agree  with  you." 

I  started  past  him  again,  but  he  got  in  front 
o'  me. 

"You  can  get  off,  o'  course,"  he  says;  "but 
you  can't  get  back  on.    That's  the  rules." 

"What  sense  is  they  in  that?"  I  ast  him. 

"If  I  let  people  off,  and  on  again,  my  count 
would  get  mixed  up,"  he  says. 

"Who  are  you?"  says  I. 

"I'm  the  government  checker,"  he  says. 

"Chess?"  says  I.  "And  you  count  all  the 
people  that  gets  on?" 

"That's  me,"  he  says. 

"How  many's  on  now?"  I  ast  him. 
182 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"Eight  hundred-odd,"  he  says. 

"I  ast  3^ou  for  the  number,  not  the  descrip- 
tion," I  says.  "How  many's  the  limit?"  I  ast 
him. 

"Thirteen  hundred,"  he  says. 

"And  would  the  boat  sink  if  they  was  more'n 
that?"  says  I. 

"I  don't  know  if  it  would  or  wouldn't,"  he 
says,  "but  that's  all  the  law  allows." 

For  a  minute  I  felt  like  off erin'  him  a  lump 
sum  to  let  seven  or  eight  hundred  more  on  the 
boat  and  be  sure  that  she  went  down;  mean- 
time I'd  be  over  gettin'  a  drink.  But  then  I 
happened  to  think  that  the  :Missus  would  be 
among  those  lost ;  and  though  a  man  might  do 
a  whole  lot  better  the  second  time,  the  chances 
was  that  he'd  do  a  whole  lot  worse.  So  I  passed 
up  the  idear  and  stayed  aboard,  prayin'  for  the 
time  when  we'd  be  three  miles  out  on  Lake 
IMichigan. 

It  was  the  shortest  three  miles  you  ever  seen. 
We  hadn't  got  out  past  tlie  jNIunicipal  Pier 
when  I  seen  a  steady  influx  goin'  past  the  en- 
183 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

gine-room  and  into  the  great  beyond.  I  fol- 
lowed 'em  and  got  what  I  was  after.  Then  I 
went  up  on  deck,  lookin'  for  my  guests. 

I  found  'em  standin'  in  front  o'  one  o'  the 
lifeboats. 

"Why  don't  you  get  comfortable?"  I  says  to 
[Bishop.  "Why  don't  you  get  chairs  and  en- 
joy the  breeze?" 

"That's  what  I  been  tellin'  'em,"  says  the 
Missus;  "but  Mr.  Bishop  acts  like  he  was  mar- 
ried to  this  spot." 

"I'm  only  thinkin'  of  your  wife  and  Bessie," 
says  Bishop.  "If  anything  happened,  I'd  want 
'em  to  be  near  a  lifeboat." 

"Nothin's  goin'  to  happen,"  I  says.  "They 
hasn't  been  a  wreck  on  this  lake  for  over  a 
month.  And  this  here  boat,  the  City  d  Benton 
Harbor,  ain't  never  sank  in  her  life." 

"No,"  says  Bishop;  "and  the  Chicora  and 
Eastland  never  sank  till  they  sunk." 

"The  boats  that  sinks,"  I  says,  "is  the  boats 
that's  overloaded.  I  was  talkin'  to  the  govern- 
ment checker-player  down-stairs  and  he  tells 
184i 


THE    WATER    CURE 

me  that  you  put  thirteen  hundred  on  this  boat 
and  she's  perfectly  safe ;  and  they's  only  eight 
hundred  aboard  now." 

"Then  why  do  they  have  the  lifeboats?"  ast 
Bishop. 

"So's  you  can  go  back  if  you  get  tired  o'  the 
trip,"  I  says. 

"I  ought  to  be  back  now,"  says  Bishop, 
"where  the  firm  can  reach  me." 

"We  ain't  more'n  two  miles  out,"  I  says. 
"If  your  firm's  any  ^ood  they'll  drag  the  bot- 
tom farther  out  than  this.  Besides,"  I  says, 
"if  trouble  comes  the  lifeboats  would  handle 
us." 

"Yes,"  saj^s  Bishop;  "but  it's  women  and 
children  first." 

"Sure!"  I  says.  "That's  the  proper  order 
for  drownin'.  The  world  couldn't  struggle 
along  without  us  ten-thousand-dollar  scenario 
writers." 

"They  couldn't  be  no  trouble  on  such  a  lovely 
day  as  this,"  says  Bess. 

"That's  where  you  make  a  big  mistake,"  I 
185 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

says.     "That  shows  you  don't  know  nothin' 
about  the  history  o'  Lake  Michigan." 

"Wliat  do  you  mean?"  ast  Bishop. 

"All  the  wrecks  that's  took  place  on  this 
lake,"  I  says,  "has  happened  in  calm  weather 
like  to-day.  It's  just  three  years  ago  this 
July,"  I  says,  "when  the  City  of  Ypsilanti  left 
Grand  Haven  with  about  as  many  passengers 
as  we  got  to-day.  The  lake  was  just  like  a 
billiard  table  and  no  thought  o'  danger.  Well, 
it  seems  like  they's  a  submerged  water  oak 
about  three  miles  from  shore  that  you're  sup- 
posed to  steer  round  it.  But  this  pilot  hadn't 
never  made  the  trip  before,  and,  besides  that, 
he'd  been  drinkin'  pretty  heavy;  so  what  does 
he  do  but  run  right  plump  into  the  tree,  and 
the  boat  turned  a  turtle  and  all  the  passengers 
was  lost  except  a  tailor  named  Swanson." 

"But  that  was  just  an  unreliable  officer," 
says  Bessie.    "He  must  of  been  crazy." 

"Crazy!"  says  I.  "They  wouldn't  nobody 
work  on  these  boats  unless  they  was  crazy.  It's 
bound  to  get  'em." 

186 


THE   WATER    CURE 

"I  hope  we  got  a  reliable  pilot  to-day,"  says 
'Bishop. 

"He's  only  just  a  kid,"  I  says;  "and  I  no- 
ticed him  staggerin'  when  he  come  aboard. 
But,  anyway,  you  couldn't  ask  for  a  better  bot- 
tom than  they  Is  right  along  in  here ;  nice  clean 
sand  and  hardly  any  weeds." 

*'What  time  do  we  get  to  St.  Joe?"  ast 
Bishop. 

"About  seven  if  we  don't  run  into  a  squall," 
I  says. 

Then  I  and  the  Wife  left  'em  and  went 
round  to  another  part  o'  the  deck  and  run  into 
squalls  of  all  nationalities.  Their  mothers  had 
made  a  big  mistake  In  bringin'  'em,  because 
you  could  tell  from  their  faces  and  hands  that 
they  didn't  have  no  use  for  water. 

"Thej^  all  look  just  alike,"  says  the  JMIssus. 
"I  don't  see  how  the  different  mothers  can  tell 
which  is  their  baby." 

"It's  fifty-fifty,"  I  says.  "The  babies  don't 
look  no  more  alike  than  the  mothers.  The 
mothers  is  all  named  Jennie,  and  all  perfect 
187 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

cubes  and  fond  of  apples,  and  ought  to  go  to 
a  dentist.  Besides,"  I  says,  "suppose  they  did 
get  mixed  up  and  swap  kids,  none  o'  the  parties 
concerned  would  have  reasons  to  gloat.  And 
the  babies  certainly  couldn't  look  no  more  mis- 
erable under  different  auspices  than  they  do 
now." 

We  walked  all  round  the  deck,  threadin'  our 
way  among  the  banana  peelin's,  and  lookin'  our 
shipmates  over. 

"Pick  out  somebody  you  think  you'd  like  to 
meet,"  I  told  the  Wife,  "and  I'll  see  if  I  can 
arrange  it." 

"Thanks,"  she  saj^s;  "but  I'll  try  and  not 
get  lonesome,  with  my  husband  and  my  sister 
and  my  sister's  beau  along." 

"It's  nice  for  you  to  say  it,"  says  I ;  "but  you 
want  to  remember  that  we're  leavin'  Bess  and 
Bishop  to  themself,  and  that  leaves  you  and  I 
to  ourself,  and  they  ain't  no  two  people  in  the 
world  that  can  spend  two  days  alone  together 
without  gettin'  bored  stiff.  Besides,  you  don't 
188 


THE    WATER    CURE 

want  to  never  overlook  a  chance  to  meet  high- 
class  people." 

"When  I  get  desperately  anxious  to  meet 
high-class  people,"  she  says,  "I'll  be  sure  and 
j)ick  out  the  Saturday  afternoon  boat  from  Chi- 
cago to  St.  Joe." 

"You  can't  judge  people  by  their  looks," 
says  I.    "You  haven't  heard  'em  talk." 

"No;  and  couldn't  understand  'em  if  I  did," 
she  says. 

"I'll  bet  some  o'  them's  just  as  bright  as  we 
are,"  I  says. 

"I'm  not  lookin'  for  bright  companionship," 
she  says.    "I  want  a  change." 

"That's  just  like  I  told  you,"  says  I. 
"You're  bound  to  get  tired  o'  one  person,  no 
matter  how  much  they  sparkle,  if  you  live  with 
'em  long  enough." 

We  left  the  deck  and  went  down-stairs. 
They  was  two  or  tliree  people  peerin'  in  the 
engine-room  and  the  IMissus  made  me  stop 
there  a  minute. 

189 


:gullible's  travels,  etc. 

"What  for?"  I  ast  her. 

"I  want  to  see  how  it  works,"  she  says. 

"Well,"  says  I,  when  we'd  started  on  again, 
"I  can  drop  my  insurance  now." 

"Why?"  says  the  Missus. 

"I  don't  never  need  to  worry  about  you 
starvin',"  I  says.  "With  the  knowledge  you 
just  picked  up  there,  I  bet  you  could  easy  land 
a  job  as  engineer  on  one  o'  these  boats." 

"I'd  do  about  as  good  as  you  would  at  it," 
she  says. 

"Sure;  because  I  didn't  study  it,"  I  says. 
"What  makes  the  boat  run?"  I  ast  her. 

"Wliy,  the  wheel,"  she  says. 

"And  who  runs  the  wheel?"  I  ast  her. 

"The  pilot,"  says  she. 

"And  what  does  the  engineer  do?"  I  says. 

"Wliy,  I  suppose  he  keeps  the  fire  burnin'," 
she  says. 

"But  in  weather  like  this  what  do  they  want 
of  a  fire?" 

"I  suppose  it  gets  colder  out  in  the  middle 
o'  the  lake,"  she  says. 

190 


THE    WATER   CURE 

"No,"  says  I ;  "but  on  Saturdaj^s  they  got  to 
keep  a  fire  goin'  to  heat  the  babies'  bottles." 

We  went  in  the  room  next  to  the  bar.  A 
boy  set  at  the  piano  playin'  Sweet  Cider  Time 
in  Moonsliine  Valley  and  some  Hawaiian  na- 
tive melodies  composed  by  a  Hungarian  waiter 
that  was  too  proud  to  fight.  Three  or  four 
couple  was  dancin',  but  none  o'  them  was  wry- 
necked  enough  to  get  the  proper  pose.  The 
girls  looked  pretty  good  and  was  probably 
members  o'  the  Four  Hundred  employed  in 
the  Fair.  The  boys  would  of  been  handsomer 
if  the  laundry  hadn't  failed  to  bring  back  their 
other  shirt  in  time. 

A  big  guy  in  a  uniform  come  by  and  went 
into  the  next  room.  "Is  that  the  captain?" 
ast  the  Wife. 

"No,"  I  says,  "that's  the  steward." 

"And  what  does  he  do?"  she  ast  me. 

"He  hangs  round  the  bar,"  I  says,  "and 
looks  after  the  stews." 

"Have  they  really  got  a  bar?"  she  says. 

"I'll  find  out  for  sure  if  you'll  wait  here  a 
191 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

minute,"  says  I,  and  led  her  to  a  chair  where 
she  could  watch  'em  wrestle. 

In  the  other  room  I  stood  next  to  a  Greek 
that  charged  ten  cents  on  Sundays  and  holi- 
days. He  was  all  lit  up  like  the  Municipal 
Pier. 

"Enjoyin'  the  trip?"  I  ast  him. 

"Too  rough;  too  rough!"  he  says,  only  I 
-don't  do  the  dialect  very  good. 

"I  bet  you  never  got  that  shine  at  your  own 
stand,"  says  I. 

"Too  hot  to  work!"  says  he.  "I  don't  have 
to  work.    I  got  the  mon'." 

"Yes,"  I  saj^s;  "and  the  bun." 

A  little  way  off  from  us  was  four  other  po- 
litical enemies  o'  J.  Frank  Hanly,  tellin'  my 
Greek  friend  in  tonsorial  tones  that  if  he  didn't 
like  his  Uncle  Sammy  he  knowed  what  he  could 
do. 

"Don't  you  like  your  Uncle  Sammy?"  I  ast 
him. 

"I  don't  have  to  work,"  he  says.    "I  got  the 


192 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"Then  why  don't  you  take  them  boys'  ad- 
vice," I  says,  "and  go  back  to  your  home  o'er 
the  sea?" 

"Too  rough;  too  rough!"  he  says;  and  in  the 
twenty  minutes  I  stood  there  with  him,  findin' 
out  whether  they  was  really  a  bar,  he  didn't 
say  nothin'  except  that  he  had  the  mon',  and 
he  didn't  have  to  work,  and  somethin'  was  too 
rough. 

I  and  the  ^lissus  went  back  up  on  deck.  I 
steered  for  the  end  o'  the  boat  that  was  farthest 
from  where  we'd  left  Bess  and  Bishop,  but 
they'd  began  to  get  restless,  and  we  iiin  into 
them  takin'  a  walk. 

"Where  you  been?"  ast  Bessie. 

"Down  watchin'  'em  dance,"  says  the  Mis- 
sus. 

"Is  they  a  place  to  dance  aboard?"  ast 
Bishop. 

But  I  didn't  want  'em  to  dance,  because 
that'd  be  an  excuse  not  to  say  nothin'  to  each 
other  for  a  w'ile.    So  I  says : 

"They's  a  place,  all  right;  but  five  or  six 
193 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

couple's  already  on  the  floor,  and  when  you 
get  more'n  that  trottin'  round  at  once  it's  li'ble 
to  rock  the  boat  and  be  disastrous." 

I  took  the  Wife's  arm  and  started  to  move 
on. 

"Where  you  goin'?"  says  Bishop. 

"Just  for  a  stroll  round  the  decks,"  says  I. 

"We'll  go  along,"  he  says. 

I  seen  the  treatment  was  beginnin'  to  work. 
"Nothin  doin'!"  I  says.  "This  is  one  of  our 
semi-annual  honeymoons  and  we  can't  use  no 
outside  help." 

A  few  minutes  before  we  hit  St.  Joe  we  seen 
'em  again,  settin'  down  below,  afraid  to  dance 
and  entirely  out  o'  conversation.  They  was 
havin'  just  as  good  a  time  as  Jennie's  babies. 

"We're  pretty  near  in,"  I  says,  "and  'twas 
one  o'  the  smoothest  crossin's  I  ever  made." 

"They  couldn't  nobody  get  sick  in  weather 
like  this,"  says  Bess. 

"No,"  I  says,  "but  you  take  a  smooth  Sat- 
urday afternoon  and  it  generally  always  means 
a  rough  Sunday  night." 


THE    WATER    CURE 

"Ain't  they  no  railroad  between  here  and 
Chi?"  ast  Bishop. 

"Not  direct,"  I  says.  "You  have  to  go  to 
Lansing  and  then  cut  across  to  Fort  Wayne. 
If  you  make  good  connections  you  can  do  it 
in  a  day  and  two  nights,  but  most  o'  the  way 
is  through  the  copper  ranges  and  the  trains 
keeps  gettin'  later  and  later,  and  when  they 
try  to  make  up  time  they  generally  always  slip 
ofFen  the  track  and  spill  their  contents." 

"If  it  looks  like  a  storm  to-morrow  night," 
says  Bess,  "we  might  wait  over  and  go  home 
Monday." 

That  idear  scared  Bishop  more'n  the  thought 
of  a  wreck. 

"Oh,  no!"  he  says.  "I  got  to  be  back  on  the 
job  Monday  mornin'." 

"If  it's  as  rough  as  I  think  it's  goin'  to  be," 
says  I,  "you  won't  feel  like  rippin'  oiF  no  sce- 
narios ^londay." 

We  landed  and  walked  up  the  highest  hill  in 
INIichigan  to  the  hotel.     I  noticed  that  JNIiss 
[Bessie  carried  her  own  suit-case. 
195 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I  suppose  you  two  kids 
would  rather  eat  your  supper  by  yourself,  and 
I  and  the  Missus  will  set  at  another  table." 

"No,  no!"  says  Bess.  "It'll  be  pleasanter  to 
all  eat  together." 

So  for  about  half  an  hour  we  had  'em  with 
us;  and  they'd  of  stuck  the  rest  o'  the  evenin' 
if  I'd  gave  'em  a  chance. 

"What  about  a  little  game  o'  cards?"  says 
Bishop,  when  we  was  through  eatin'. 

"It's  mighty  nice  o'  you  to  suggest  it,"  I 
says;  "but  I  know  you're  only  doin'  it  for  my 
sake  and  the  Wife's.  We'll  find  some  way  to 
amuse  ourself,  and  you  and  Bess  can  take  a 
stroll  down  on  the  beach." 

"The  wind  made  me  sleepy,"  says  Bishop. 
"I  believe  I'll  go  up  to  my  room  and  turn  in." 

"The  rooms  is  not  ready,"  I  says.  "The 
clerk'll  let  us  know  as  soon  as  we  can  have 
'em." 

But  he  didn't  take  my  word;  and  when  he'd 
talked  to  the  clerk  himself,  and  found  out  that 
196 


THE    WATER    CURE 

he  could  have  his  room  right  away,  they  wasn't 
no  arguin'  with  him.  Oif  he  went  to  hed  at 
eight  p.  M.,  leavin'  the  Missus  and  I  to  enter- 
tain the  Belle  o'  Wabash. 

Sunday  mornin'  I  added  to  my  investment 
by  hirin'  a  flivver  to  take  us  out  to  the  Edge- 
water  Club. 

"Now,"  I  says,  "we'll  rent  some  bathin'  suits 
and  cool  off." 

"I  don't  dast  go  in,"  says  Bishop.  "I'd  take 
more  cold.    I'll  w^atch  the  rest  o'  you." 

Well,  I  didn't  care  whether  he  went  in  or  not, 
the  water  bein'  too  shallow  along  there  to 
drownd  him;  but  I  did  want  him  to  watch  the 
rest  of  us — one  in  particular. 

The  suit  they  gave  her  was  an  Annette.  I 
wouldn't  make  no  attempt  to  describe  what 
she  looked  like  in  it,  unless  it'd  be  a  capital 
Y  that  had  got  turned  upside  down.  She 
didn't  have  no  displacement  and  she  could  of 
stayed  in  all  day  without  the  lake  ever  findin' 
out  she  was  there. 

197 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

But  I  cut  the  film  short  so's  I  could  get  'em 
back  to  the  hotel  and  leave  the  pair  together 
again. 

"You're  goin'  to  have  all  the  rest  o'  the  day 
to  yourself,"  I  told  'em.  "We  won't  eat  din- 
ner with  you.  I  and  the  Missus  will  just  dis- 
appear and  meet  you  here  in  the  hotel  at  seven 
o'clock  to-night." 

"Where  are  you  goin'?"  ast  Bishop. 

"Never  you  mind,"  I  says. 

"Maybe  we'd  like  to  go  along  with  you," 
he  says. 

"Yes,  you  would !"  says  I.  "Remember,  bo}^, 
I  was  in  love  once  myself,  and  I  know  I  didn't 
want  no  third  parties  hangin'  round." 

"But  what  can  we  do  all  day  in  this  burg?" 
he  says. 

"They's  plenty  to  do,"  I  says.  "You  can 
go  over  there  and  set  on  them  benches  and 
watch  the  interurbans  come  in  from  South 
Bend  and  Niles,  or  you  can  hire  a  boat  and 
go  out  for  a  sail,  or  you  can  fish  for  tarpons; 
or  you  can  take  a  trolley  over  to  Benton  Har- 
198 


THE    WATER    CURE 

bor;  or  you  can  set  on  the  beach  and  spoon. 
Nobody  minds  here — only  be  sure  you  don't 
set  in  somebody's  lunch  basket,  because  they 
say  a  garlic  stain's  almost  impossible  to  get 
out.  And  they's  another  thing  you  might  do," 
I  says:  "this  town's  one  o'  these  here  Gretna 
Greens.  You  can  get  a  marriage  license  in  any 
delicatessen  and  the  street-car  conductors  is  au- 
thorized to  perform  the  ceremony." 

They  didn't  blush  when  I  pulled  that;  they 
turned  pale,  both  o'  them,  and  I  seen  that  I 
was  goin'  to  win,  sure. 

"Come  on!"  I  says  to  the  Missus.  "We  must 
be  on  our  way." 

We  left  'em  before  they  could  stop  us  and 
walked  acrost  the  street  and  along  through  the 
park. 

"Where  are  we  headed?"  ast  the  Wife. 

"I  don't  know,"  I  says;  "but  I  don't  want 
to  spoil  their  good  time." 

"I  don't  believe  they're  havin'  a  good  time," 
she  saj^s. 

"How^  could  they  help  it?"  says  I.  "Wlien 
199 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

two  true  lovers  is  left  alone  together,  what 
more  could  they  ast  for?" 

"They's  somethin'  wrong  with  'em,"  says  the 
Missus.  "They  act  like  they  was  mad  at  each 
other.  And  Bess  told  me  when  we  was  out 
to  the  Edge  water  Club  that  she  wished  we  was 
home."  ^ 

"That's  a  fine  way  for  her  to  talk,"  I  says, 
"when  I'm  tryin'  to  show  her  a  good  time!" 

"And  I  overheard  Elmer,"  says  the  Missus, 
"askin'  one  o'  the  bell  boys  where  he  could  get 
somethin'  to  drink;  and  the  bell  boy  ast  him 
what  kind  of  a  drink,  and  he  says,  whisky  or 
poison — it  didn't  make  no  difference." 

"If  I  was  sure  he'd  take  the  poison  I'd  try 
to  get  it  for  him,"  I  says. 

On  the  grass  and  the  benches  in  the  park 
we  seen  some  o'  the  gang  that'd  came  over  on 
the  boat  with  us.  They  looked  like  they'd  laid 
there  all  night  and  the  kids  was  cryin'  louder'n 
ever.  Besides  them  we  seen  dozens  o'  young 
couples  that  was  still  on  speakin'  terms,  be- 
cause they'd  only  been  together  an  hour  or  two, 
200 


THE    WATER    CURE 

The  girls  was  wearin'  nice,  clean,  white  dresses 
and  white  shoes,  and  was  all  prettied  up.  They 
seemed  to  be  havin'  the  time  o'  their  life.  And 
by  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  their  fingers 
would  be  stuck  together  with  cracker  jack  and 
their  dresses  decorated  with  chocolate  sirup, 
and  their  escorts  talkin'  to  'em  like  a  section 
boss  to  a  gang  o'  hunkies. 

We  wandered  round  till  dinner-time,  and 
then  dropped  into  a  little  restaurant  where  they 
give  you  a  whole  meal  for  thirty-five  cents  and 
make  a  profit  of  thirty-five  cents.  When  we'd 
staggered  out  under  the  weight  o'  this  repast, 
a  street-car  was  standin'  there  that  said  it 
would  take  us  to  the  House  o'  David. 

"Come  on!"  I  says,  and  led  the  Missus 
aboard. 

"Where  to?"  she  ast  me. 

"I  don't  know,"  I  says;  "but  it  sounds  like 
a  road  house." 

It  was  even  better'n  that.  You  couldn't  get 
nothin'  to  drink,  but  they  was  plenty  to  see 
and  hear — band  concerts,  male  and  female; 
201 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

movin'  pitchers;  a  zoo;  a  bowlin'  alley;  and 
more  funny-lookin'  people  than  I  ever  seen 
in  an  amusement  park  before. 

It  ain't  a  regular  amusement  park,  but  fifty- 
fifty  between  that  and  a  kind  of  religious  sex 
that  calls  themself  the  Holy  Roller  Skaters  or 
somethin'.  All  the  men  that  was  old  enough 
to  keep  a  beard  had  one;  and  for  a  minute  I 
thought  we'd  bumped  into  the  summer  home  o' 
the  people  that  took  part  in  Ada. 

They  wouldn't  nobody  of  ever  mistook  the 
women  for  Follies  chorus  girls.  They  looked 
like  they  was  havin'  a  prize  contest  to  see  which 
could  dress  the  homeliest;  and  if  I'd  been  one 
o'  the  judges  I'd  of  split  the  first  prize  as  many 
ways  as  they  was  women. 

"I'm  goin'  to  talk  to  some  o'  these  people," 
I  told  the  Wife. 

"What  for?"  she  says. 

"Well,  for  one  thing,"  I  says,  "I  been  talk- 
in'  to  one  person  so  long  I'm  tired  of  it;  and, 
for  another  thing,  I  want  to  find  out  what  the 
idear  o'  the  whole  concern  is." 
202 


THE    WATER   CURE 

So  we  Avalked  up  to  one  o'  the  most  flour- 
ishin'  beards  and  I  braced  him. 

"Who  owns  this  joint?"  I  says. 

"All  who  have  the  faith,"  he  says. 

"What  do  they  charge  a  man  to  join?"  I  ast 
him. 

"Many's  called  and  few  chosen,"  he  says. 

"How  long  have  you  been  here?"  I  ast  him. 

"Prove  all  things  and  hold  fast  to  what's 
good,"  he  saj^s.  "Why  don't  you  get  some  of 
our  books  and  study  'em?" 

He  led  us  over  to  where  they  had  the  books 
and  I  looked  at  some  o'  them.  One  was  the 
Flyin  Boll,  and  another  was  the  Liviif  Roll 
o'  Life,  and  another  was  the  Mollin  Ball  o' 
Fire. 

"If  you  had  some  books  about  coffee  you 
could  make  a  breakfast  on  'em,"  I  says. 

Well,  we  stuck  round  there  till  pretty  near 
six  o'clock  and  talked  to  a  lot  o'  different  ones 
and  ast  'em  all  kinds  o'  questions;  and  they 
answered  'em  all  with  verses  from  Scripture 
that  had  nothin'  to  do  with  what  we'd  ast. 
203 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"We  got  a  lot  of  information,"  says  the  Wife 
on  the  way  back  to  St.  Joe.  "We  don't  know 
no  more  about  'em  now  than  before  we  come." 

"We  know  their  politics,"  I  says. 

"How?"  she  ast  me. 

"From  the  looks  of  'em,"  I  says.  "They're 
unanimous  for  Hughes." 

We  found  Bess  all  alone,  settin'  in  the  lobby 
o'  the  hotel. 

"Where's  your  honey  man?"  I  ast  her. 

She  turned  up  her  nose. 

"Don't  call  him  my  honey  man  or  my  any- 
thing else,"  she  says. 

"Why,  what's  the  matter?"  ast  the  ^lissus. 

"Nothin'  at  all's  the  matter,"  she  says. 

"Maybe  just  a  lovers'  quarrel,"  says  I. 

"No,  and  no  lovers'  quarrel,  neither,"  says 
Bess.  "They  couldn't  be  no  lovers'  quarrel, 
because  they  ain't  no  lovers." 

"You  had  me  fooled,  then,"  I  says.  "I'd 
of  swore  that  you  and  Bishop  was  just  like 
that." 

"You  made  a  big  mistake,"  says  Bessie.  "I 
204 


THE    WATER    CURE 

never  cared  nothin'  for  him  and  he  never  cared 
nothin'  for  me,  because  he's  incapable  o'  carin' 
for  anything — only  himself." 

"Why,  Bess,"  says  the  jNIissus,  "you  told  me 
just  yesterday  mornin'  that  you  was  practically 
engaged!" 

"I  don't  care  what  I  told  you,"  she  says;  "but 
I'm  tellin'  you  somethin'  now:  I  don't  never 
want  to  hear  of  him  or  see  him  again.  And 
you'll  do  me  a  favor  if  you'll  drop  the  subject." 

"But  where  is  he?"  I  ast  her. 

"I  don't  know  and  I  don't  care!"  she  says. 

"But  I  got  to  find  him,"  I  says.  "He's  my 
guest." 

"You  can  have  him,"  she  says. 

I  found  him  up  in  his  room.  The  bell  boy 
had  got  him  somethin',  and  it  wasn't  poison, 
neither.    At  least  I  haven't  never  died  of  it. 

"Well,  Bishop,"  I  says,  "finish  it  up  and 
come  down-stairs.  Bess  and  the  Wife'll  want 
some  supper." 

"You'll  have  to  excuse  me,"  he  says.     "I 
don't  feel  like  eatin'  a  thing." 
205 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"But  you  can  come  down  and  set  with  us," 
I  says.    "Bess  will  be  sore  if  you  don't." 

"Listen  here!"  he  says.  "You've  took  too 
much  for  granted.  They's  nothin'  between 
your  sister-in-law  and  I.  If  you've  set  your 
heart  on  us  bein'  some  thin'  more'n  friends,  I'm 
sorry.    But  they's  not  a  chance." 

"Bishop,"  I  says,  "this  is  a  blow  to  me.  It 
comes  like  a  shock." 

And  to  keep  myself  from  faintin'  I  took  the 
bottle  from  his  dresser  and  completed  its  ruin. 

"You  won't  even  come  down  and  set  with 
us?"  I  says. 

"No,"  says  Bishop.  "And,  if  you  don't 
mind,  you  can  give  me  my  ticket  back  home 
and  I'll  stroll  doAvn  to  the  dock  and  meet  you 
on  the  boat." 

"Here's  your  ticket,"  says  I. 

"And  where  am  I  goin'  to  sleep?"  he  says. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I'll  get  you  a  stateroom 
if  you  really  want  it ;  but  it's  goin'  to  be  a  bad 
night,  and  if  you  was  in  one  o'  them  berths, 
206 


THE    WATER    CURE 

and  somethin'  happened,  you  wouldn't  have  a 
chance  in  the  world!" 

"You  ain't  goin'  to  have  no  berth,  yourself?" 
he  ast  me. 

"I  should  say  not!"  I  says.  "I'm  goin'  to 
get  me  a  chair  and  sleep  in  the  water-tight  com- 
partments." 

Boys,  my  prophecy  come  true.  They  was 
more  roll  on  old  Lake  ^lichigan  that  night 
than  in  all  them  books  up  to  the  Holy  Roller 
Skaters'  park.  And  if  tlie  boat  was  filled  to 
capacity  just  thirteen  hundred  of  us  was  fa- 
tally ill. 

I  don't  think  it  was  the  rollin'  that  got  me. 
It  was  one  glimpse  of  all  the  Jennies  and  their 
offsprings,  and  the  wealthy  Greek  shoe  shiners, 
and  the  millionaire  truck  drivers,  and  the  heir- 
esses from  the  Lace  Department — layin'  hither 
and  thither  in  the  cabins  and  on  the  decks, 
breathin'  their  last.  And  how  they  must  of 
felt  to  think  that  all  their  outlay  for  cracker- 
jack  and  apples  was  a  total  loss! 
207 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

But  Bishop  wasn't  sick.  I  searched  the  boat 
from  the  back  to  the  stern  and  he  wasn't 
aboard.  I  guess  probably  he  found  out  some 
way  that  they  was  such  an  institution  as  the 
Pere  Marquette,  which  gets  into  Chicago  with- 
out touchin'  them  perilous  copper  ranges.  But 
whether  he  arrived  safe  or  not  I  don't  know, 
because  I've  never  saw  him  from  that  day  to 
this,  and  I've  lived  happy  ever  afterward. 

And  my  investment,  amountin'  all  told  to 
just  about  what  he  owes  me,  turned  out  even 
better  than  I'd  hoped  for.  Bess  went  back  to 
Wabash  that  Monday  afternoon. 

At  supper  Monday  night,  which  was  the  first 
meal  the  Missus  could  face,  she  says: 

"I  haven't  got  it  figured  out  yet.  Bess 
swears  they  didn't  have  no  quarrel;  but  I'll 
take  an  oath  they  was  in  love  with  each  other. 
What  could  of  happened?" 

"I  know  what  happened,"  I  says.  "They 
got  acquainted!" 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 


They  ain't  no  immediate  chance  o'  you  get- 
tin'  ast  out  to  our  house  to  dinner — not  w'ile 
round  steak  and  General  ]\Iotors  is  sellin'  at 
the  same  price  and  common  dog  biscuit's  ten 
cents  a  loaf.  But  you  might  have  nothin'  de- 
cent to  do  some  evenin'  and  happen  to  drop  in 
on  the  INIissus  and  I  for  a  call;  so  I  feel  like 
I  ought  to  give  you  a  little  warnin'  in  case  that 
comes  off. 

You  know  they's  lots  o'  words  that's  called 
fightin'  words.  Some  o'  them  starts  a  brawl, 
no  matter  who  they're  spoke  to.  You  can't  call 
nobody  a  liar  without  expectin'  to  lose  a  couple 
o'  milk  teeth — that  is,  if  the  party  addressed 
has  got  some  thin'  besides  lemon  juice  in  his 
veins  and  ain't  had  the  misfortune  to  fall  asleep 
on  the  Panhandle  tracks  and  be  separated  from 
his  most  prominent  legs  and  arms.  Then  they's 
209 


GULLIBLE^S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

terms  that  don't  hit  you  so  much  yourself,  but 
reflects  on  your  ancestors  and  prodigies,  and 
you're  supposed  to  resent  'em  for  the  sake  of 
honor  and  fix  the  speaker's  map  so  as  when 
he  goes  home  his  wife'll  say:  "Oh,  kiddies! 
Come  and  look  at  the  rainbow!" 

Then  they's  other  words  and  terms  that  you 
can  call  'em  to  somebody  and  not  get  no  rise; 
but  call  'em  to  somebody  else  and  the  insurance 
companies  could  hold  out  on  your  widow  by 
claimin'  it  was  suicide.  For  instance,  they's 
young  Harold  Greiner,  one  o'  the  bookkeepers 
down  to  the  office.  I  could  tell  him  he  was  an 
A.  P.  A.,  with  a  few  adjectives,  and  he'd  just 
smile  and  say:  "Quit  your  flirtin'!"  But  I 
wouldn't  never  try  that  expression  on  Dan  Ca- 
hill,  the  elevator  starter,  without  bein'  well  out 
of  his  earshots.  And  I  don't  know  what  it 
means,  at  that. 

Well,  if  you  do  come  out  to  the  house  they's 
a  term  that  you  want  to  lay  off  of  when  the 
Missus  is  in  the  room.  Don't  say:  "San  Su- 
sie!" 

210 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

It  sounds  harmless  enough,  don't  it?  They 
ain't  nothin'  to  it  even  when  it's  transferred 
over  from  the  Latin,  "Without  no  cares."  But 
just  leave  her  hear  it  mentioned  and  watch  her 
grab  the  two  deadliest  weapons  that's  within 
reach,  one  to  use  on  you  or  whoever  said  it,  and 
the  other  on  me,  on  general  principles. 

You  think  I'm  stringin'  you,  and  I  admit 

you  got  cause — that  is,  till  you've  heard  the 

details  of  our  latest  plunge  in  the  cesspools  o' 

Society. 

II 

It  was  a  Friday  evenin'  about  three  weeks 
ago  when  I  come  home  and  found  the  Wife 
quaverin'  with  excitement. 

"Who  do  you  think  called  ui3?"  she  ast  me. 

"I  got  no  idear,"  I  says. 

"Guess!"  says  she. 

So  I  had  to  guess. 

"Josephus  Daniels,"  I  says.  "Or  Henry 
Ford.  Or  maybe  it  was  that  guy  with  the 
scar  on  his  lip  that  you  thought  was  smilin'  at 
you  the  other  day." 

211 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"You  couldn't  never  guess,"  she  says.  "It 
was  ^Irs.  Messenger." 

"Which  one?"  I  ast  her.  "You  can't  mean 
Mrs.  A.  D.  T.  Messenger." 

"If  you're  so  cute  I  won't  tell  you  nothin' 
about  it,"  says  she. 

"Don't  make  no  rash  threats,"  I  says. 
"You're  goin'  to  tell  me  some  time  and  they's 
no  use  makin'  yourself  sick  by  tryin'  to  hold 
it  in." 

"You  know  ver}^  well  what  Mrs.  Messenger 
I  mean,"  she  says.  "It  was  Mrs.  Robert  Mes- 
senger that's  husband  owns  this  buildin'  and 
the  one  at  the  corner,  where  they  live  at." 

"Haven't  you  paid  the  rent?"  I  says. 

"Do  you  think  a  woman  like  Mrs.  Messen- 
ger would  be  buttin'  into  her  husband's  busi- 
ness?" says  the  Missus. 

"I  don't  know  what  kind  of  a  woman  Mrs. 

Messenger  is,"  I  saj^s.    "But  if  I  owned  these 

here  apartments  and  somebody  fell  behind  in 

their  rent,  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  to  see  the 

212 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

owner's  wife  goln'  right  over  to  their  flat  and 
takin'  it  out  o'  their  trousers  pocket." 

"Well,"  says  the  Wife,  "we  don't  owe  them 
no  rent  and  that  wasn't  what  she  called  up 
about.    It  wasn't  no  business  call." 

"Go  ahead  and  spill  it,"  I  says.  "My  heart's 
weak." 

"Well,"  she  says,  "I  was  just  gettin'  through 
with  the  lunch  dishes  and  the  phone  rang." 

"I  bet  you  wondered  who  it  was,"  says  I. 

"I  thought  it  was  ^Irs.  Hatch  or  somebody," 
says  the  Wife.  "So  I  run  to  the  phone  and  it 
was  Mrs.  Messenger.  So  the  first  thing  she 
says  was  to  explain  who  she  was — just  like  I 
didn't  know.  And  the  next  thing  she  ast  was 
did  I  play  bridge." 

"And  what  did  you  tell  her?"  says  I. 

"What  do  you  think  I'd  tell  her?"  says  the 
Missus.    "I  told  her  yes." 

"Wasn't  you  triflin'  a  little  with  the  truth?" 
I  ast  her. 

"Certainly  not!"  she  says.  "Haven't  I 
213 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

played  twice  over  to  Hatches'?  So  then  she 
ast  me  if  my  husband  played  bridge,  too.  And 
I  told  her  yes,  he  did." 

''What  was  the  idear?"  I  says.  "You  know 
I  didn't  never  play  it  in  my  life." 

"I  don't  know  no  such  a  thing,"  she  says. 
"For  all  as  I  know,  you  may  play  all  day  down 
to  the  office." 

"No,"  I  says;  "we  spend  all  our  time  down 
there  playin'  post-office  with  the  scrubwomen." 

"Well,  anj^way,  I  told  her  you  did,"  says  the 
Missus.  "Don't  you  see  they  wasn't  nothin' 
else  I  could  tell  her,  because  if  I  told  her  you 
didn't,  that  would  of  ended  it." 

"Ended  what?"  I  says. 

"We  wouldn't  of  been  ast  to  the  party,"  says 
the  Missus. 

"Who  told  you  they  was  goin'  to  be  a 
party?"  I  says. 

"I  don't  have  to  be  told  everything,"  says 

the  Missus.    "I  got  brains  enough  to  know  that 

Mrs.  Messenger  ain't  callin'  me  up  and  astin' 

me  do  we  play  bridge  just  because  she's  got 

214 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

a  headache  or  feels  lonesome  or  somethiii'.  But 
it  ain't  only  one  party  after  all,  and  that's  the 
best  part  of  it.  She  ast  us  if  we'd  care  to  join 
the  club." 

"Wliat  club?"  says  I. 

"Mrs.  ^lessenger's  club,  the  San  Susie 
Club,"  says  the  ^lissus.  ''You've  heard  me 
speak  about  it  a  hundred  times,  and  it's  been 
mentioned  in  the  papers  once  or  twice,  too — 
once,  anyway,  when  the  members  give  away 
them  Clu-istmas  dinners  last  year." 

"We  can  get  into  the  papers,"  I  says,  "with- 
out givin'  away  no  Christmas  dinners." 

"Who  Avants  to  get  into  the  papers?"  says 
the  Wife.     "I  don't  care  nothin'  about  that." 

"No,"  I  says;  "I  suppose  if  a  reporter  come 
out  here  and  ast  for  your  pitcher  to  stick  in 
the  society  columns,  you'd  pick  up  the  carvin' 
knife  and  run  him  ragged." 

"I'd  be  polite  to  him,  at  least,"  she  says. 

"Yes,"  says  I;  "it  wouldn't  pay  to  treat  him 
rude;  it'd  even  be  justifiable  to  lock  him  in 
■sv'ile  you  was  lookin'  for  the  pitcher." 
215 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"If  you'll  kindly  leave  me  talk  you  may  find 
out  what  I  got  to  say,"  she  says.  "I've  told 
you  about  this  club,  but  I  don't  suppose  you 
ever  paid  any  attention.  It's  a  club  that's  made 
up  from  people  that  just  lives  in  this  block, 
twenty  o'  them  altogether;  and  all  but  one 
couple  either  lives  in  this  buildin'  or  in  the 
buildin'  the  JMessengers  lives  in.  And  they're 
all  nice  people,  people  with  real  class  to  them; 
not  no  tramps  like  most  o'  the  ones  we  been 
runnin'  round  with.  One  o'  them's  ]Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Arthur  Collins  that  used  to  live  on  Sher- 
idan Road  and  still  goes  over  to  parties  at  some 
o'  the  most  exclusive  homes  on  the  North  Side. 
And  they  don't  have  nobody  in  the  club  that 
isn't  congenial  with  each  other,  but  all  just  a 
nice  crowd  o'  real  people  that  gets  together 
once  a  week  at  one  o'  the  members'  houses  and 
have  a  good  time." 

"How  did  these  pillow^s  o'  Society  happen  to 
light  on  to  us?"  I  ast  her. 

"Well,"  she  says,  "it  seems  like  the  Baileys, 
who  belonged  to  the  club,  went  to  California 
216 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

last  week  to  spend  the  winter.  And  they  had  to 
have  a  couple  to  take  their  place.  And  Mrs. 
Messenger  says  they  wouldn't  take  nobody  that 
didn't  live  in  our  block,  and  her  and  her  hus- 
band looked  over  the  list  and  we  was  the  ones 
they  picked  out." 

"Probably,"  I  says,  "that's  because  we  was 
the  only  eligibles  that  can  go  out  nights  on 
account  o'  not  havin'  no  children." 

"The  Pearsons  ain't  ast,"  she  says,  "and  they 
ain't  got  no  children." 

"Well,"  I  saj'-s,  "what's  the  dues?" 

"They  ain't  no  dues,"  says  the  JNIissus.  "But 
once  in  a  w'ile,  instead  o'  playin'  bridge,  every- 
body puts  in  two  dollars  apiece  and  have  a  the- 
ater party.  But  the  regular  program  is  for 
an  evenin'  o'  bridge  every  Tuesday  night,  at 
different  members'  houses,  somebody  different 
actin'  as  hosts  every  week.  And  each  couple 
puts  up  two  dollars,  makin'  ten  dollars  for  a 
gent's  prize  and  ten  dollars  for  a  lady's.  And 
the  prizes  is  picked  out  by  the  lady  that  hap- 
pens to  be  the  hostess." 

217 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"That's  a  swell  proposition  for  me,"  I  says. 
"In  the  first  place  they  wouldn't  be  a  chance 
in  the  w^orld  for  me  to  win  a  prize,  because  I 
don't  know  nothin'  about  the  game.  And,  in 
the  second  place,  suppose  I  had  a  whole  lot  o' 
luck  and  did  win  the  prize,  and  come  to  find 
out  it  was  a  silver  mustache  cup  that  I  wouldn't 
have  no  more  use  for  than  another  Adam's  ap- 
ple !  If  they  paid  in  cash  they  might  be  some- 
thin'  to  it." 

"If  you  win  a  prize  you  can  sell  it,  can't 
you?"  says  the  Missus.  "Besides,  the  prizes 
don't  count.  It's  gettin'  in  with  the  right  kind 
o'  people  that  makes  the  difference." 

"Another  thing,"  I  says:  "When  it  come 
our  turn  to  have  the  party,  where  would  we 
stick  'em  all?  We'd  have  to  spread  a  sheet 
over  the  bathtub  for  one  table,  and  have  one 
couple  set  on  the  edges  and  the  other  couple 
toss  up  for  the  washbasin  and  the  clothes-ham- 
per. And  another  two  couple'd  have  to  kneel 
round  the  bed,  and  another  bunch  could  stand 
218 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

up  round  the  bureau.  That VI  leave  the  dinin'- 
room  table  for  the  fourth  set;  and  for  a  special 
treat  the  remainin'  four  could  play  in  the  par- 
lor." 

"We  could  hire  chairs  and  tables,"  says  the 
Missus.  "We're  goin'  to  have  to  some  time, 
anyway,  when  you  or  I  die." 

"You  don't  need  to  hire  no  tables  for  my 
funeral,"  I  says.  "If  the  pallbearers  or  the 
quartet  insists  on  shootin'  craps  they  can  use 
the  kitchen  floor ;  or  if  they  want  beer  and  sand- 
wiches you  can  slip  'em  the  money  to  go  down 
to  the  corner." 

"They's  no  use  worryin'  about  our  end  of  it 
yet,"  says  the  Wife.  "We'll  be  new  members 
and  they  won't  expect  us  to  give  no  party  till 
everybody  else  has  had  their  turn." 

"I  only  got  one  objection  left,"  I  says. 
"How  am  I  goin'  to  get  by  at  a  bridge  party 
when  I  haven't  no  idear  how  many  cards  to 
deal?" 

"I  guess  you  can  learn  if  I  learnt,"  she  says. 
219 


GULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"You're  always  talkin'  about  what  a  swell  card 
player  you  are.  And  besides,  j^ou've  played 
w'ist,  and  they  ain't  hardly  any  difference." 

"And  the  next  party  is  next  Tuesday 
night?"  I  says. 

"Yes,"  says  the  Missus,  "at  Mrs.  Garrett's, 
the  best  player  in  the  club,  and  one  o'  the  smart- 
est women  in  Chicago,  Mrs.  Messenger  says. 
She  lives  in  the  same  buildin'  with  the  Mes- 
sengers. And  they's  dinner  first  and  then  we 
play  bridge  all  evenin'." 

"And  maybe,"  I  saj^s,  "before  the  evenin's 
over,  I'll  find  out  what's  trumps." 

"You'll  know  all  about  the  game  before 
that,"  she  says.  "Right  after  supper  we'll  get 
out  the  cards  and  I'll  show  you." 

So  right  after  supper  she  got  out  the  cards 
and  begun  to  show  me.  But  about  all  as  I 
learnt  was  one  thing,  and  that  was  that  if  I 
died  without  no  insurance,  the  Missus  would 
stand  a  better  show  o'  supportin'  herself  by  um- 
pirin'  baseball  in  the  National  League  than 
by  teachin'  in  a  bridge-w'ist  university.  She 
220 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

knew  everything  except  how  much  the  differ- 
ent suits  counted,  and  how  many  points  was  in 
a  game,  and  what  Iionors  meant,  and  who  done 
the  first  hiddin',  and  how  much  to  bid  on  what. 

After  about  an  hour  of  it  I  says: 

"I  can  see  you  got  this  thing  mastered,  but 
you're  hke  a  whole  lot  of  other  people  that 
knows  sometliin'  perfect  themselves  but  can't 
learn  it  to  nobody  else." 

"No,"  she  says;  "I  got  to  admit  that  I  don't 
know  as  much  as  I  thought  I  did.  I  didn't 
have  no  trouble  when  I  was  playin'  with  Mrs. 
Hatch  and  ^Irs.  Pearson  and  ^Irs.  Kramer; 
but  it  seems  like  I  forgot  all  they  learnt  me." 

"It's  a  crime,"  I  says,  "that  we  should  have 
to  pass  up  this  chance  to  get  in  right  just  be- 
cause we  can't  play  a  fool  game  o'  cards.  Why 
don't  you  call  up  Mrs.  JMessenger  and  suggest 
that  tlie  San  Susies  switches  to  pedro  or  five 
hundred  or  rummy,  or  somethin'  that  you  don't 
need  to  take  no  college  course  in?" 

"You're  full  o'  brilliant  idears,"  says  the 
JNIissus.  "They's  only  just  the  one  game  that 
22X 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Society  plays,  and  that's  bridge.  Them  other 
games  is  jokes." 

"I've  noticed  you  always  treated  'em  that 
way,"  I  says.  "But  they  wasn't  so  funny  to  me 
when  it  come  time  to  settle." 

"I'll  tell  you  what  we'll  do,"  says  the  Missus: 
"We'll  call  up  Mr.  and  ]Mrs.  Hatch  and  tell 
'em  to  come  over  here  to-morrow  night  and 
give  us  a  lesson." 

"That'd  be  sweet,"  I  says,  "askin'  them  to 
learn  us  a  game  so  as  we  could  join  a  club 
that's  right  here  in  their  neighborhood,  but  they 
ain't  even  been  ast  to  join  it!" 

"Why,  you  rummy!"  she  says.  "We  don't 
have  to  tell  'em  why  we  want  to  learn.  We'll 
just  say  that  my  two  attempts  over  to  their 
house  has  got  me  interested  and  I  and  you  want 
to  master  the  game  so  as  we  can  spend  many 
pleasant  evenin's  with  them;  because  Mrs. 
Hatch  has  told  me  a  hundred  times  that  her  and 
her  husband  would  rather  play  bridge  than 
eat." 

So  she  called  up  Mrs.  Hatch  and  sprung  it 
222 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

on  her;  but  it  seemed  like  the  Hatches  had  an 
engagement  for  Saturday  night,  but  would  be 
tickled  to  death  to  come  over  Monday  evenin' 
and  give  us  a  work-out.  After  that  was  fixed 
we  both  felt  kind  of  ashamed  of  ourselves,  de- 
ceivin'  people  that  was  supposed  to  be  our  best 
friends. 

"But,  anyway,"  the  Missus  says,  "the 
Hatches  wouldn't  never  fit  in  with  that  crowd. 
Jim  alwaj^s  looks  like  he'd  dressed  on  the  ele- 
vated and  ^Irs.  Hatch  can't  talk  about  nothin' 
only  shiropody." 

On  the  Saturday  I  tried  to  slip  one  over  by 
buyin'  a  book  called  Auction  B ridge j  and  I 
read  it  all  the  way  home  from  town  and  then 
left  it  on  the  car.  It  was  a  great  book  for  a 
man  that  had  learnt  the  rudderments  and 
wanted  to  find  out  how  to  play  the  game  right. 
But  for  me  to  try  and  get  somethin'  out  of  it 
was  just  like  as  though  some  kid'd  learn  the 
baseball  guide  by  heart  in  kindeygarden  and 
then  ask  Hugh  Jennin's  for  the  job  in  center- 
field.  I  did  find  out  one  thing  from  it  though  : 
223 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

it  says  that  in  every  deal  one  o'  the  players 
was  a  dummy  and  just  laid  his  cards  down 
and  left  somebody  else  play  'em.  So  when  I 
got  home  I  says : 

"We  won't  need  no  help  from  Jim  Hatch 
and  his  wife.  We  can  just  be  dummies  all  the 
evenin'  and  they  won't  nobody  know  if  we're 
ignorant  or  not." 

"That's  impossible,  to  be  dummy  all  the 
time,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Not  for  me,"  I  says.  "I  know  it'll  be  tough 
for  you,  but  j^ou  can  chew  a  lot  o'  gum  and  you 
won't  mind  it  so  much." 

"You  don't  understand,"  she  says.  "The 
dummy  is  the  pardner  o'  the  party  that  gets  the 
bid.  Suppose  one  o'  the  people  that  was  playin' 
against  you  got  the  bid;  then  the  other  one'd 
be  dummy  and  you'd  have  to  play  j^our  hand." 

"But  I  don't  need  to  leave  'em  have  the  bid," 
I  says.    "I  can  take  it  away  from  'em." 

"And  if  you  take  it  away  from  'em,"  she 
says,  "then  you  got  the  bid  yourself,  and  your 
pardner's  dunmiy,  not  you." 
224 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

Well,  the  Hatches  breezed  in  Monday  night 
and  Mrs.  Hatch  remarked  how  tickled  she  was 
that  we  was  goin'  to  learn,  and  what  good 
times  we  four'd  have  playin'  together.  And 
the  ^lissus  and  I  pretended  like  we  shared  her 
raptures. 

"Ain't  you  never  played  at  all?"  she  ast  me; 
and  I  told  her  no. 

"The  first  thing,"  she  says,  "is  how  much  the 
different  suits  counts ;  and  then  they's  the  bids. 
And  you  got  to  pay  attention  to  the  conven- 
tions." 

"I'm  through  with  'em  forever,"  I  says, 
"since  they  turned  down  Roosevelt." 

Well,  we  started  in  and  Hatch  and  the 
Missus  played  INIrs.  Hatch  and  I.  We  kept 
at  it  till  pretty  near  midnight,  with  three  or 
four  intermissions  so  as  Hatch  could  relieve 
the  strain  on  the  ice-box.  My  w'ist  education 
kept  me  from  bein'  much  of  a  flivver  when  it 
come  to  playin'  the  cards ;  but,  I  don't  care  how 
bright  a  guy  is,  you  can't  learn  ever}i:hing 
about  biddin'  in  one  evenin',  and  you  can't  re- 
225. 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

member  half  what  you  learnt.  I  don't  know 
what  the  score  was  when  we  got  through,  but 
the  Hatches  done  most  o'  the  execution  and 
held  most  o'  the  cards,  which  is  their  regular 
habit. 

"You'll  get  along  all  right,"  says  Mrs. 
Hatch  when  they  was  ready  to  go.  "But,  o' 
course,  you  can't  expect  to  master  a  game  like 
bridge  in  a  few  hours.    You  want  to  keep  at  it." 

"We're  goin'  to,"  says  the  INIissus. 

"Maybe  it'd  be  a  good  idear,"  says  Mrs. 
Hatch,  "to  play  again  soon  before  you  forget 
what  we  learnt  you.  Why  don't  you  come  over 
to  our  house  for  another  session  to-morrow 
night?" 

"Let's  see;  to-morow  night?"  says  the  Mis- 
sus, stallin'.  "Why,  no,  we  can't.  We  got  an 
engagement." 

So  Mrs.  Hatch  stood  there  like  she  was  ex- 
pectin'  to  hear  what  it  was. 

"We're  goin'  to  a  j)arty,"  says  the  Wife. 

"Oh,  tell  me  about  it!"  says  Mrs.  Hatch. 

"Well,"  says  the  Missus,  "it  ain't  really  a 
226 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

party;  it's  just  a  kind  of  a  party;  some  old 
friends  that's  visitin'  in  town." 

*']Maybe  they'll  play  bridge  with  you,"  says 
Mrs.  Hatch. 

"Oh,  no,"  says  the  IMissus,  blushin'.  "It'll 
probably  be  rummy  or  pedro;  or  maybe  we'll 
just  go  to  the  pitchers." 

"Why  don't  you  go  over  to  the  Acme?"  says 
[Mrs.  Hatch.  "They  got  Chaplin  in  Tlie  Street 
Sweeper.  We're  goin',  and  we  could  meet  you 
and  all  go  together." 

"N-no,"  says  the  Wife.  "You  see,  one  of 
our  friends  has  just  lost  his  wife  and  I  know 
he  wouldn't  feel  like  goin'  to  see  somethin' 
funny." 

"He's  already  laughed  himself  sick,"  I  says. 

Well,  we  wouldn't  make  no  date  with  'em 
and  they  finally  blew  with  the  understandin' 
that  we  was  to  go  to  their  house  and  play  some 
night  soon.  Wlien  they'd  went  the  IMissus 
says: 

"I  feel  like  a  criminal,  deceivin'  'em  like 
that.  But  I  just  couldn't  tell  'em  the  tmth. 
227. 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Bertha  Hatch  is  the  most  jealous  thing  in  the 
world  and  it  would  just  about  kill  her  to  know 
that  we  was  in  on  somethin'  good  without  she 
and  Jim." 

"If  you  hadn't  ast  'em  over,"  I  says,  "we'd 
of  been  just  as  well  off  and  you  wouldn't  of 
had  to  make  a  perjure  out  o'  yourself." 

"What  do  you  mean,  we'd  of  been  just  as 
well  off?"  she  says.  "They  done  what  we  ex- 
pected of  'em,  learnt  us  the  game." 

"Yes,"  I  says;  "and  you  could  take  all  I  re- 
member o'  the  lesson  and  feed  it  to  a  gnat  and 
he'd  say :   'Hurry  up  with  the  soup  course !'  '* 


III 


Well,  Mrs.  Garrett  had  called  up  to  say 
that  the  feed  before  the  game  would  begin  at 
seven  bells;  so  I  and  the  Missus  figured  on 
bein'  on  hand  at  half  past  six,  so  as  to  get  ac- 
quainted with  some  of  our  fellow  club  members 
and  know  what  to  call  'em  when  we  wanted  the 
gravy  passed  or  somethin'.  But  I  had  trouble 
228 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

with  my  studs  and  it  wasn't  till  pretty  near 
twenty  minutes  to  seven  that  we  rung  the  Gar- 
retts'  bell.  The  hired  girl  let  us  in  and  left 
us  standin'  in  the  hall  w'ile  she  went  to  tell 
JVIrs.  Garrett  we  was  there.  Pretty  soon  the 
girl  come  back  and  says  she  would  take  our 
wraps  and  that  ^Irs.  Garrett  would  be  with  us 
in  a  few  minutes.  So  we  was  showed  into  the 
livin'-room. 

The  apartment  was  on  the  second  floor  and 
looked  about  twice  as  big  as  our'n. 

"What  do  you  suppose  this  costs  'em?"  ast 
the  ^lissus. 

"About  fifty-five  a  month,"  I  says. 

"You're  crazy!"  says  she.  "They  got  this 
big  livin'-room  and  two  big  bedrooms,  and  a 
maid's  room  and  a  sun  parlor,  besides  their  din- 
in'-room  and  kitchen  and  bath.  They're  lucky 
if  they  ain't  stuck  for  seventy." 

"Ill  bet  you!"  I  says.  "I'll  bet  you  it's 
nearer  fifty-five  than  seventy." 

"How  much'll  you  bet?"  she  says. 

"Anything  you  say,"  says  I. 
229 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Well,"  she  says,  "I've  got  a  cinch,  and  I 
need  a  pair  o'  black  silk  stockin's.  My  others 
has  begun  to  run." 

"All  right,"  I  says.  "A  pair  o'  black  silk 
stockin's  to  fifty  cents  cash." 

"You're  on,"  she  says.  "And  I'll  call  up 
the  agent  to-morrow  and  find  out." 

Well,  it  must  of  been  pretty  near  seven 
o'clock  when  Mrs.  Garrett  finally  showed  up. 

"Good  evenin',"  she  says.  "I  suppose  this 
must  be  our  new  members.  I'm  awfully  glad 
you  could  come  and  I'm  sorry  I  wasn't  quite 
ready." 

"That's  all  right,"  I  saj^s.  "I'm  glad  to 
know  they's  others  has  trouble  gettin'  into  their 
evenin'  clo'es.  I  suppose  people  that  does  it 
often  enough  finally  get  to  be  experts." 

"I  didn't  have  no  trouble,"  says  Mrs.  Gar- 
rett; "only  I  didn't  expect  nobody  till  seven 
o'clock.  You  must  of  misunderstood  me  and 
thought  I  said  half  past  six." 

Then  Mr.  Garrett  come  in  and  shook  hands 
with  us,  and  then  the  rest  o'  the  folks  begun 
230 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

to  arrive  and  we  was  introduced  to  them  all. 
I  didn't  catcli  all  their  names,  only  ^Ir.  and 
Mrs.  Messenger  and  ^Ir.  and  IMrs.  Collins  and 
a  Mr.  and  JNIrs.  Sparks.  Mrs.  Garrett  says 
dinner  was  ready  and  I  was  glad  to  hear  it. 

They  set  me  down  between  IMrs.  Messenger 
and  a  lady  that  I  didn't  get  her  name. 

"Well,"  I  says  to  ^Irs.  ^lessenger,  "now  we 
know  you  personally,  we  can  pay  the  rent  di- 
rect without  botherin'  to  go  to  the  real-estate 
office." 

"I'm  afraid  that  wouldn't  do,"  she  says. 
"Our  agent's  entitled  to  his  conunissions.  And 
besides,  I  wouldn't  know  how  much  to  take  or 
nothin'  about  it." 

"We  pay  thirty-five,"  I  says,  "and  that's  all 
as  you  could  ast  for,  seein'  we  only  got  the 
four  rooms  and  no  sun  parlor.  Thirty-two  and 
a  half  would  be  about  the  right  price." 

"You'll  have  to  argue  that  out  with  the 
agent,"  she  says. 

I  was  kind  of  expectin'  a  cocktail ;  but  noth- 
in' doin'.  The  hired  girl  brought  in  some  half 
231 


C^ULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

sandwiches,  made  o'  toast,  with  somethin'  on 
'em  that  looked  hke  BB  shot  and  tasted  hke 
INew  Year's  mornin'. 

"Don't  we  get  no  hquid  refreshments?"  I 
ast  Mrs.  ^Messenger. 

"No,  indeed,"  she  says.  "The  San  Susie's 
a  dry  club." 

"You  should  ought  to  call  it  the  San  Sousy, 
then,"  says  I. 

The  Missus  was  settin'  next  to  IMr.  Garrett 
and  I  could  hear  'em  talkin'  about  what  a  nice 
neighborhood  it  was  and  how  they  liked  their 
fiats.  I  thought  I  and  the  Missus  might  as 
well  settle  our  bet  then  and  there,  so  I  spoke 
to  Mr.  Garrett  aCrost  the  table. 

"Mr.  Garrett,"  I  says,  "w'ile  we  was  waitin' 
for  you  and  your  wife  to  get  dressed,  I  and 
the  Missus  made  a  little  bet,  a  pair  o'  silk  stock- 
in'  against  half  a  buck.  I  got  to  pay  out  two 
dollars  here  for  the  prize  and  the  Missus  claims 
her  other  stockin's  has  begun  to  run;  so  you 
might  say  we're  both  a  little  anxious." 

"Is  it  somethin'  I  can  settle?"  he  ast. 
232 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

"Yes,  sir,"  I  says,  "because  we  was  bettin' 
on  the  rent  you  paid  for  this  apartment.  The 
JMissus  says  seventy  a  month  and  I  says  fifty- 
five." 

"I  never  decide  against  a  lady,"  he  says. 
"You  better  buy  the  stockin's  before  the  others 
run  so  far  that  they  can't  find  their  way  home." 

"If  I  lose,  I  lose,"  says  I.  "But  if  you're 
stuck  sixty-five  or  better,  the  ^lissus  must  of 
steered  me  wrong  about  the  number  o'  rooms 
you  got.  I'll  pay,  though,  because  I  don't 
never  welsh  on  a  bet.  So  this  party's  really 
costin'  me  two  and  a  half  instead  o'  two." 

"Maybe  you'll  win  the  prize,"  says  Mr.  Gar- 
rett. 

"They  ain't  much  chance,"  I  says.  "I  ain't 
played  this  game  for  a  long  w'ile." 

"Why,  your  wife  was  just  tellin'  me  you 
played  last  night,"  he  says. 

"I  mean,"  says  I,  "that  I  didn't  play  for  a 
long  w'ile  before  last  night;  not  for  thirty-six 
years,"  I  says. 

Well,  when  everybody'd  got  through  chokui* 
233 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

down  the  shot,  they  brought  in  some  drowned 
toadstools,  and  then  some  little  slices  o'  beef 
about  the  size  of  a  checker,  and  seven  Saratoga 
chips  apiece,  and  half  a  dozen  string  beans. 
Those  that  was  still  able  to  set  up  under  this 
load  finished  up  on  sliced  tomatoes  that  was 
caught  too  young  and  a  nickel's  worth  of  ice- 
cream and  an  eyedropper  full  o'  coiFee. 

"Before  I  forget  it,"  says  Mrs.  Collins,  w'ile 
we  was  staggerin'  out  o'  the  dinin'-room, 
"you're  all  comin'  to  my  house  next  Tuesday 
night." 

I  was  walkin'  right  behind  her. 

"And  I  got  a  suggestion  for  you,"  I  says, 
low  enough  so  as  they  couldn't  nobody  else 
hear:  "Throw  some  o'  the  prize  money  into 
the  dinner;  and  if  they's  any  skimpin'  to  be 
done,  do  it  on  the  prizes." 

She  didn't  say  nothin'  back,  because  Mrs. 
Garrett  had  started  to  hand  us  the  little  cards 
that  showed  where  we  was  to  play. 

"I  suppose  I  better  tell  you  our  rules,"  she 
says  to  me.  "Each  table  plays  four  deals. 
234 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

Then  the  winners  moves  w'ile  the  losers  sets 
still,  except  at  the  first  table,  where  the  win- 
ners sets  still  and  the  losers  moves.  You 
change  pardners  after  every  four  deals.  You 
count  fifty  for  a  game  and  a  hundred  and  fifty 
for  a  rubber." 

"The  way  I  been  playin',"  I  says,  "it  was 
thirty  for  a  game." 

"I  never  heard  o'  that,"  she  says;  but  I  no- 
ticed when  we  got  to  playin'  that  everybody 
that  made  thirty  points  called  it  a  game. 

"Don't  w^e  see  the  prizes  before  we  start?" 
I  ast  lier.  "I  want  to  know  whether  to  play 
my  best  or  not." 

"If  you  win  the  prize  and  don't  like  it,"  she 
says,  "I  guess  you  can  get  it  exchanged." 

"They  tell  me  you're  the  shark  amongst  the 
w^omenfolks,"  says  I;  "so  it's  a  safe  bet  that 
you  didn't  pick  out  no  lady's  prize  that  isn't 
O.  K." 

I  noticed  some  o'  the  other  men  was  slippin' 
her  their  ante;  so  I  parted  with  a  two-spot. 
Then  I  found  where  I  was  to  set  at.  It  was 
235 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Table  Number  Three,  Couple  Number  One. 
My  pardner  was  a  strappin'  big  woman  with  a 
name  somethin'  like  Rowley  or  Phillips.  Our 
opponents  was  Mrs.  Garrett  and  Mr.  Messen- 
ger. Mrs.  Garrett  looked  like  she'd  been  livin' 
on  the  kind  of  a  meal  she'd  gave  us,  and  Mr. 
JNIessenger  could  of  set  in  the  back  seat  of  a 
flivver  with  two  regular  people  without  crowd- 
in'  nobody.    Sol  says  to  my  pardner : 

"Well,  pardner,  we  got  'em  outweighed, 
anyway." 

They  was  two  decks  o'  cards  on  the  table. 
I  grabbed  one  o'  them  and  begun  to  deal  'em 
face  up. 

"First  jack,"  I  says. 

"If  you  don't  mind,  we'll  cut  for  deal,"  says 
Mrs.  Garrett. 

So  we  cut  the  cards  and  it  seemed  like  the 
low  cut  got  the  deal  and  that  was  Mrs.  Garrett 
herself. 

"Which  deck'll  we  play  with?"  I  ast. 

"Both  o'  them,"  says  Mrs.  Garrett.     "Mr. 
Messenger'll  make  them  red  ones  for  you." 
236 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

"JMake  'em!"  I  says.  "Well,  Messenger,  I 
didn't  know  you  was  a  card  factory." 

]Messenger  laughed;  but  the  two  ladies 
didn't  get  it.  INIrs.  Garrett  dealt  and  it  was 
her  turn  to  bid. 

"One  without,"  she  says. 

"I'd  feel  better  if  I  had  one  within,"  says  I. 

"Are  you  goin'  to  bid  or  not?"  she  ast  me. 

"I  thought  it  was  the  dealer's  turn  first,"  I 
says. 

"I've  made  my  bid,"  she  says.  "I  bid  one 
without." 

"One  without  lookin',  or  what?"  I  says. 

"One  no  trump,  if  I  got  to  explain  it,"  she 
says. 

"Oh,  that's  different,"  I  says;  but  I  found 
out  that  most  all  o'  them  said  "One  without" 
when  they  meant  one  no  trump. 

I  looked  at  my  hand;  but  about  all  as  I  had 
was  four  hearts,  with  the  king  and  jack  high. 

"Pardner,"  I  says,  "I  don't  see  nothin'  I  can 
bid,  unless  it'd  be  one  heart.  Does  that  hit 
you?" 

287 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"No  talkin'  acrost  the  boards,"  says  Mrs. 
Garrett.  "And  besides,  one  heart  ain't  over 
my  bid." 

So  I  passed  and  Mr.  Messenger  bid  two 
spades.  Then  my  pardner  passed  and  Mrs. 
Garrett  thought  it  over  a  w'ile  and  then  bid 
two  without.  So  I  passed  again  and  the  rest  o' 
them  passed,  and  it  was  my  first  lead. 

Well,  I  didn't  have  only  one  spade  —  the 
eight -spot  —  and  I  knew  it  wouldn't  do  my 
hand  no  good  as  long  as  I  couldn't  trump  in 
with  it ;  so  I  led  it  out.  Messenger  was  dummy, 
and  he  laid  his  hand  down.  He  had  about  eight 
spades,  with  the  ace  and  queen  high. 

"I  might  as  well  take  a  chance,"  says  Mrs. 
Garrett,  and  she  throwed  on  Messenger's  ten- 
spot. 

Out  come  my  pardner  with  the  king,  and  it 
was  our  trick. 

"What  kind  of  a  lead  was  that?"  says  Mrs. 
Garrett  to  me. 

"Pretty  good  one,  I  guess,"  says  I.  "It 
fooled  you,  anyway." 

238 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

And  she  acted  like  she  was  sore  as  a  boil. 
Come  to  find  out,  she'd  thought  I  was  leadin' 
from  the  king  and  was  goin'  to  catch  it  later  on. 

Well,  her  and  ^lessenger  took  all  the  rest 
o'  the  tricks  except  my  king  o'  hearts,  and  they 
had  a  game  on  us,  besides  forty  for  their  four 
aces. 

"I  could  of  made  a  little  slam  as  well  as  not," 
she  says  when  it  was  over.  "But  I  misunder- 
stood our  friend's  lead.  It's  the  first  time  I 
ever  seen  a  man  lead  from  a  sneak  in  no 
trump." 

"I'll  do  a  whole  lot  o'  things  you  never  seen 
before,"  I  says. 

"I  don't  doubt  it,"  says  she,  still  actin'  like 
I'd  spilled  salad  dressin'  on  her  skirt. 

It  was  my  first  bid  next  time  and  hearts  was 
my  only  suit  again.  I  had  the  ace,  queen  and 
three  others. 

"Pardner,"  I  says,  "I'm  goin'  to  bid  one 
heart  and  if  you  got  somethin'  to  help  me  out 
with,  don't  let  'em  take  it  away  from  me." 

"I'll  double  a  heart,"  says  Messenger. 
239 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Oh,  somebody  else  is  gettin'  cute!"  says  I. 
"Well,  I'll  double  right  back  at  you." 

"Will  you  just  wait  till  it  comes  your  turn?" 
says  Mrs.  Garrett.  "And  besides,  you  can't 
redouble." 

"I  guess  I  can,"  says  I.    "I  got  five  o'  them." 

"It's  against  our  rules,"  she  says. 

So  my  partner  done  nothin',  as  usual,  and 
Mrs.  Garrett  bid  one  without  again. 

"I  guess  you  want  to  play  'em  all,"  I  says; 
"but  you'll  have  to  come  higher'n  that.  I'm 
goin'  to  bid  two  hearts." 

"Two  no  trump,"  says  Messenger,  and  my 
pardner  says  "Pass"  once  more. 

"You'll  get  a  sore  throat  sayin'  that,"  I  told 
her.    "Don't  you  never  hold  nothin'?" 

"It  don't  look  like  it,"  she  says. 

"Maj'-be  you  don't  know  what's  worth  bid- 
din'  on,"  I  says. 

"Maybe  she'd  better  take  a  few  lessons  from 
you,"  says  Mrs.  Garrett. 

"No,"  I  says,  kiddin'  her.  "You  don't  want 
no  more  female  experts  in  the  club  or  you 
240 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

might  have  to  buy  some  cut  glass  once  in  a 
w'ile  instead  o'  winnin'  it." 

Well,  I  bid  three  hearts;  but  ^Irs.  Garrett 
come  up  to  three  no  trump  and  I  couldn't  go 
no  higher.  This  time  I  led  out  my  ace  o' 
hearts,  hopin'  maybe  to  catch  their  king;  but 
I  didn't  get  it.  And  ]Mrs.  Garrett  copped  all 
the  rest  of  'em  for  a  little  slam. 

"If  your  husband  ever  starts  drinkin'  hard," 
I  says,  "you  can  support  yourself  by  sellin' 
some  o'  your  horseshoes  to  the  Russian  govern- 
ment." 

It  wasn't  no  lie,  neither.  I  never  seen  such 
hands  as  that  woman  held,  and  ]Messenger's 
was  prett}^  near  as  good.  In  the  four  deals 
they  grabbed  two  rubbers  and  a  couple  o'  lit- 
tle slams,  and  when  they  left  our  table  they 
had  over  nine  hundred  to  our  nothin'. 

Mr.  Collins  and  another  woman  was  the  next 
ones  to  set  down  with  us.  The  rules  was  to 
change  pardners  and  Collins  took  the  one  I'd 
been  playin'  with.  And  what  does  she  do  but 
get  lucky  and  they  give  us  another  trimmin', 
241 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

though  nothin'  near  as  bad  as  the  first  one.  My 
pardner,  this  time,  was  a  woman  about  forty- 
eight,  and  she  acted  like  it  was  way  past  her 
bedtime.  Wlien  it  was  her  turn  to  say  some- 
thin'  we  always  had  to  wait  about  five  minutes, 
and  all  the  other  tables  was  through  a  long 
w'ile  before  us.     Once  she  says: 

"You'll  have  to  excuse  me  to-night.  I  don't 
somehow  seem  to  be  able  to  keep  my  mind  on 
the  game." 

"No,"  I  says;  "but  I  bet  you'd  perk  up  if 
the  lady's  prize  was  a  mattress.  When  you're 
goin'  to  be  up  late  you  should  ought  to  take  a 
nap  in  the  afternoon." 

Well,  sir,  my  next  pardner  wasn't  nobody 
else  but  the  ^lissus.  She'd  started  at  the  fourth 
table  and  lost  the  first  time,  but  win  the  second. 
She  come  along  with  the  husband  o  'the  pard- 
ner I'd  just  had ;  so  here  we  was  family  against 
familj%  you  might  saj. 

"What  kind  o'  luck  you  been  bavin'?"  the 
fella  ast  me. 

"No  luck  at  all,"  I  says.  "But  if  you're  any- 
242 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

wheres  near  as  sleepy  as  your  Missus,  I  and  my 
wife  should  ought  to  clean  up  this  time." 

We  didn't.  They  held  all  the  cards  except 
in  one  hand,  and  that  was  one  my  Missus  tried 
to  play.  I  bid  first  and  made  it  a  no  trump, 
as  they  was  three  aces  in  my  hand.  Old  Slum- 
ber began  to  talk  in  her  sleep  and  says:  "Two 
diamonds."  The  Missus  bid  two  hearts.  Mr. 
Sleeper  passed,  and  so  did  I,  as  I  didn't  have 
a  single  heart  in  my  hand  and  figured  the  Mis- 
sus probably  had  'em  all.  She  had  six,  with 
the  king  high  and  then  the  nine-spot.  Our 
female  opponent  had  only  two,  and  that  left 
five  for  her  husband,  includin'  the  ace,  queen 
and  jack.    We  was  set  three. 

"Nice  work!"  I  says  to  the  Missus.  "You're 
the  Philadelphia  Atliletics  of  auction  bridge." 

"What  was  you  biddin'  no  trump  on?"  she 
says.  "I  thought,  o'  course,  you'd  have  one 
high  heart  and  some  suit." 

"You  don't  want  to  start  thinkin'  at  your 
age,"  I  says.  "You  can't  learn  an  old  dog 
new  tricks." 

243 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

Mrs.  Nap's  husband  cut  in. 

*'0'  course,"  he  says,  "it's  a  man's  privilege 
to  call  your  wife  anything  you  feel  like  callin' 
her.  But  your  Missus  don't  hardly  look  old 
to  me." 

"No,  not  comparatively  speakin',"  I  says, 
and  he  shut  up. 

They  moved  on  and  along  come  Garrett  and 
Mrs.  Messenger.  I  and  Mrs.  JMessenger  was 
pardners  and  I  thought  for  a  w'ile  we  was  goin' 
to  win.  But  Garrett  and  the  Missus  had  a  bou- 
quet o'  four-leaf  clovers  in  the  last  two  deals 
and  licked  us.  Garrett  wasn't  supposed  to  be 
as  smart  as  his  wife,  but  he  was  fox  enough  to 
keep  biddin'  over  my  JNIissus,  so  as  he'd  do  the 
playin'  instead  o'  she. 

It  wasn't  till  pretty  near  the  close  o'  the  eve- 
nin's  entertainment  that  I  got  away  from  that 
table  and  moved  to  Number  Two.  When  I 
set  down  there  it  was  I  and  JMrs.  Collins 
against  her  husband  and  JMrs.  Sleeper. 

"Well,  ^Irs.  Collins,"  I  says,  "I'll  try  and 
hold  some  good  hands  for  you  and  maybe  I 
244 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

can  have  two  helpin's  o'  the  meat  when  we  come 
to  your  house." 

The  other  lady  opened  her  eyes  long  enough 
to  ask  who  was  winnin'. 

"Oh,  JNIrs.  Garrett's  way  ahead,"  says  Mrs. 
Collins.  "She's  got  a  score  o'  somethin'  like 
three  thousand.  And  Mr.  Messenger  is  high 
amongst  the  men." 

"Who's  next  to  the  leadin'  lady?"  I  ast  her. 

"I  guess  I  am,"  she  says.  "But  I'm  three 
hundred  behind  Mrs.  Garrett." 

Well,  the  luck  I'd  just  bumped  into  stayed 
with  me  and  I  and  INIrs.  Collins  won  and  moved 
to  the  head  table.  Waitin'  there  for  us  was  our 
darlin'  hostess  and  Messenger,  the  two  leaders 
in  the  pennant  race.  It  was  give  out  that  this 
was  to  be  the  last  game. 

When  Mrs.  Garrett  realized  who  was  goin' 
to  be  her  pardner  I  wisht  you  could  of  seen  her 
face! 

"This  is  an  unexpected  pleasure,"  she  says 
to  me.  "I  thought  you  liked  the  third  table 
so  well  you  was  goin'  to  stay  there  all  evenin'." 
245 


SGULLIBLE'S   TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"I  did  intend  to,"  I  says;  "but  I  seen  you 
up  here  and  I  heard  you  was  leadin'  the  league, 
so  I  thought  I'd  hke  to  help  you  finish  in 
front." 

"I  don't  need  no  help,"  she  says.  "All  I  ast 
is  for  you  to  not  overbid  your  hands,  and  I'll 
do  the  rest." 

"How  many  are  you,  ]Mrs.  Garrett?"  ast 
Mrs.  Collins. 

"Thirty-two  hundred  and  sixty,"  she  says. 

"Oh,  my!"  says  Mrs.  Collins,  "I'm  hopeless. 
I'm  only  twenty-nine  hundred  and  forty-eight. 
And  how  about  you,  Mr.  Messenger?" 

"Round  thirtj^-one  hundred,"  he  says. 

"Yes,"  says  Mrs.  Garrett,  "and  I  don't  be- 
lieve any  o'  the  rest  o'  the  men  is  within  five 
hundred  o'  that." 

"Well,  Messenger,"  I  saj^s,  "if  the  men's 
prize  happens  to  be  a  case  o'  beer  or  a  steak 
smothered  in  onions,  don't  forget  that  I'm  pay- 
in'  you  thirty-five  a  month  for  a  thirty-dollar 
flat." 

Now,  I'd  of  gave  my  right  eye  to  see  Mrs. 
246 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

Collins  beat  Mrs.  Garrett  out.  But  I  was  goin' 
to  do  my  best  for  JNIrs.  Garrett  just  tlie  same, 
because  I  don't  think  it's  square  for  a  man  to 
not  try  and  play  your  hardest  all  the  time  in 
any  kind  of  a  game,  no  matter  where  your  sym- 
pathies lays.  So  when  it  come  my  turn  to  bid 
on  the  first  hand,  and  I  seen  the  ace  and  king 
and  four  other  hearts  in  my  hand,  I  raised  ^Irs. 
Collins'  bid  o'  two  diamonds,  and  JSlrs.  Gar- 
rett made  it  two  no  trump  and  got  away  with 
it.  On  the  next  two  deals  INIessenger  and  Mrs. 
Collins  made  a  game,  and  ]Mrs.  Garrett  got 
set  a  trick  once  on  a  bid  o'  five  clubs.  The  way 
the  score  was  when  it  come  to  the  last  deal,  I 
figured  that  if  JNIrs.  Collins  and  Messenger 
made  another  game  and  rubber,  the  two  wom- 
en'd  be  mighty  close  to  even. 

INIrs.  Garrett  dealt  'em,  and  says: 

"One  without." 

"Two  spades,"  saj^s  Mrs.  Collins. 

Well,  sir,  they  wasn't  a  spade  in  my  hand, 
and  I  seen  that  if  JVIrs.  Collins  got  it  we  was 
ruined  on  account  o'  me  not  bavin*  a  trump. 
247 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

And  w'ile  I  wanted  Mrs.  Collins  to  win  I  was 
goin'  to  do  my  best  to  not  let  her.    So  I  says : 

"Two  without." 

"You  know  what  you're  doin',  do  you?"  says 
Mrs.  Garrett. 

"What  do  you  mean,  know  what  I'm  doin'?" 
I  says. 

"No  talkin'  acrost  the  boards,"  says  ^lessen- 
ger. 

"All  right,"  I  says;  "but  you  can  depend  on 
me,  pardner,  not  to  throw  you  down." 

Well,  Messenger  passed  and  so  did  Mrs. 
Garrett;  but  Mrs.  Collins  wasn't  through. 

"Three  spades,"  she  says. 

"Three  without,"  says  I. 

"I  hope  it's  all  right,"  says  ^Mrs.  Garrett. 

"I'll  tell  you  one  thing,"  I  says;  "it's  a  whole 
lot  all-righter  than  if  she  played  it  in  spades." 

JVIessenger  passed  again  and  ditto  for  my 
pardner. 

"I'll  double,"  says  Mrs.  Collins,  and  we  let 
it  go  at  that. 

Man,  oh,  man!  You  ought  to  seen  our  ge- 
248 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

nial  hostess  when  I  laid  down  my  cards !  And 
heard  her,  too !  Her  face  turned  all  three  colors 
o'  Old  Glory.  She  slammed  her  hand  down  on 
the  table,  face  up. 

"I  won't  play  it!"  she  hollers.  "I  won't  be 
made  a  fool  of!  This  poor  idiot  deliberately 
told  me  he  had  spades  stopped,  and  look  at  his 
hand!" 

"You're  mistaken,  Mrs.  Garrett,"  I  says. 
"I  didn't  say  nothin'  about  spades." 

"Shut  your  mouth!"  she  says.  "That's  what 
you  ought  to  done  all  evenin'." 

"I  might  as  well  of,"  I  says,  "for  all  the  good 
it  done  me  to  keep  it  open  at  dinner." 

Everybody  in  the  room  quit  playin'  and  rub- 
bered. Finally  Garrett  got  up  from  where  he 
was  settin'  and  come  over. 

"What  seems  to  be  the  trouble?"  he  says. 
"This  ain't  no  barroom." 

"Xobody'd  ever  suspect  it  o'  bein',"  I  says. 

"Look  what  he  done!"  says  JNIrs.  Garrett. 
"He  raised  my  no-trump  bid  over  three  spades 
without  a  spade  in  his  hand." 
249 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"Well,"  says  Mr.  Garrett,  "they's  no  use 
gettin'  all  fussed  up  over  a  game  o'  cards.  The 
thing  to  do  is  pick  up  your  hand  and  play  it  out 
and  take  your  medicine." 

"I  can  set  her  three,"  said  Mrs.  Collins.  "I 
got  seven  spades,  with  the  ace,  king  and  queen, 
and  I'll  catch  her  jack  on  the  third  lead." 

"And  I  got  the  ace  o'  hearts,"  says  Messen- 
ger. "Even  if  it  didn't  take  a  trick  it'd  make 
aces  easy;  so  our  three  hundred  above  the  line 
gives  Mrs.  Collins  a  score  of  about  ten  more'n 
Mrs.  Garrett." 

"All  right,  then,"  says  Garrett.  "Mrs.  Col- 
lins is  entitled  to  the  ladj^'s  prize." 

"I  don't  want  to  take  it,"  says  Mrs.  Collins. 

"You  got  to  take  it,"  says  Garrett. 

And  he  give  his  wife  a  look  that  meant  busi- 
ness. Anyway,  she  got  up  and  went  out  o'  the 
room,  and  when  she  come  back  she  was  smilin'. 
She  had  two  packages  in  her  hand,  and  she  give 
one  to  ]\Iessenger  and  one  to  Mrs.  Collins. 

"There's  the  prizes,"  she  says;  "and  I  hope 
3^ou'll  like  'em." 

250 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

Messenger  unwrapped  his'n  and  it  was  one 
o'  them  round  leather  cases  that  you  use  to 
carry  extra  collars  in  when  you're  travelin'. 
^lessenger  had  told  me  earlier  in  the  evenin' 
that  he  hadn't  been  outside  o'  Chicago  in  six 
years. 

JNIrs.  Collins'  prize  was  a  chafin'-dish. 

''I  don't  blame  Mrs.  Garrett  for  bein'  so 
crazy  to  win  it,"  I  says  to  her  when  they 
couldn't  nobody  hear.  "Her  and  Garrett  both 
must  get  hungry  along  about  nine  or  ten  p.  m." 

"I  hate  to  take  it,"  says  Mrs.  Collins. 

"I  wouldn't  feel  that  way,"  I  saj^s.  "I  guess 
Mrs.  Garrett  will  chafe  enough  without  it." 

When  we  was  ready  to  go  I  shook  hands  with 
the  host  and  hostess  and  says  I  was  sorry  if  I'd 
pulled  a  boner. 

"It  was  to  be  expected,"  saj^s  Mrs.  Garrett. 

"Yes,"  I  says;  "a  man's  liable  to  do  most 
anything  when  he's  starvin'  to  death." 

The  ^lessengers  and  Collinses  was  a  little 
wa}^s  ahead  of  us  on  the  stairs  and  I  wanted 
we  should  hurry  and  catch  up  with  'em. 
251 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

"You  let  'em  go !"  says  the  Missus.  "You've 
spoiled  everything  now  without  doin'  nothin' 
more.  Every  time  you  talk  you  insult  some- 
body." 

"I  ain't  goin'  to  insult  them,"  I  says.  "I'm 
just  goin'  to  ask  'em  to  go  down  to  the  corner 
and  have  a  drink." 

"You  are  not!"  she  says. 

But  she's  just  as  good  a  prophet  as  she  is 
a  bridge  player.  They  wouldn't  go  along, 
though,  sayin'  it  was  late  and  they  wanted  to 
get  to  bed. 

"Well,  if  you  won't,  you  won't,"  says  I. 
"We'll  see  you  all  a  week  from  to-night.  And 
don't  forget,  Mrs.  Collins,  that  I'm  responsible 
for  you  winnin'  that  chafin'-dish,  and  I'm  fond 
o'  welsh  rabbits." 

I  was  glad  that  we  didn't  have  to  go  far  to 
our  buildin'.  The  Missus  was  pleasant  com- 
pany, just  like  a  bloodhound  with  the  rabies. 
I  left  her  in  the  vestibule  and  went  down  to 
help  Mike  close  up.  He  likes  to  be  amongst 
friends  at  a  sad  hour  like  that. 
252 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

At  breakfast  the  next  mornin'  the  Wife  was 
more  calm. 

"Dearie,"  she  says,  "they  don't  neither  one 
of  us  class  as  bridge  experts.  I'll  admit  I  got 
a  lot  to  learn  about  the  game.  What  we  want 
to  do  is  play  with  the  Hatches  every  evenin' 
this  week,  and  maybe  by  next  Tuesday  night 
we'll  know  somethin'." 

"I'm  willin',"  I  says. 

"I'll  call  Mrs.  Hatch  up  this  forenoon,"  she 
says,  "and  see  if  they  want  us  to  come  over 
there  this  evenin'.  But  if  we  do  go  remember 
not  to  mention  our  club  or  tell  'em  anything 
about  the  party." 

Well,  sHe  had  news  for  me  whai  I  got  home. 

"The  San  Susies  is  busted  up,"  she  says. 
"Not  forever,  but  for  a  few  months  anyway. 
Mrs.  Messenger  called  up  to  tell  me." 

"What's  the  idear?"  I  says. 

"I  don't  know  exactly,"  says  the  Missus. 

"Mrs.  Messenger  says  that  the  Collinses  had 

boxes  for  the  opera  every  Tuesday  night  and 

the  rest  didn't  feel  like  goin'  on  without  the 

253 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,   ETC. 

Collinses,  and  they  couldn't  all  o'  them  agree 
on  another  night." 

"I  don't  see  why  they  should  bust  it  up  on 
account  o'  one  couple,"  I  says.  "Why  didn't 
you  tell  'em  about  the  Hatches?  They're  right 
here  in  the  neighborhood  and  caa  play  bridge 
as  good  as  anybody." 

"I  wouldn't  think  o'  doin'  it,"  says  she. 
"They  may  play  all  right,  but  think  o'  how  they 
talk  and  how  they  dress!" 

"Well,"  I  says,  "between  you  and  I,  I  ain't 
goin'  to  take  cyanide  over  a  piece  o'  news  like 
this.  Somehow  it  don't  appeal  to  me  to  vote 
mj^self  dry  every  Tuesday  night  all  winter — 
to  say  nothin'  o'  two  dollars  a  week  annual  dues 
to  help  buy  a  prize  that  I  got  no  chance  o'  win- 
nin'  and  wouldn't  know  what  to  do  with  it  if 
I  had  it." 

"It'd  of  been  nice,  though,"  she  says,  "to 
make  friends  with  them  people." 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I'll  feel  a  little  more  confi- 
dent o'  doin'  that  if  I  see  'em  once  a  year — or 
not  at  all." 

254 


THREE  WITHOUT,  DOUBLED 

IV 

I  can  tell  you  the  rest  of  it  in  about  a  min- 
ute. The  ^lissus  had  became  resigned  and 
everything  was  goin'  along  smooth  till  last 
Tuesday  evenin'.  They  was  a  new  Chaplin 
show  over  to  the  Acme  and  we  was  on  our  way 
to  see  it.  At  the  entrance  to  the  buildin'  where 
the  ^lessengers  lives  we  seen  JMr.  and  ^Mrs. 
Hatch. 

"Hello,  there !"  says  the  Wife.  "Better  come 
along  with  us  to  the  Acme." 

"Not  to-night,"  says  ^Mrs.  Hatch.  "We're 
tied  up  every  Tuesday  evenin'." 

"Some  club?"  ast  the  JSIissus. 

"Yes,"  says  JNIrs.  Hatch.  "It's  a  bridge  club 
— the  San  Susie.  The  JSIessengers  and  Col- 
linses and  Garretts  and  us  and  some  other 
people's  in  it.  Two  weeks  ago  we  was  to 
Collinses',  and  last  week  to  Beardsleys';  and 
to-night  the  INIessengers  is  the  hosts." 

The  ^lissus  tried  to  say  somethin',  and 
couldn't. 

255 


GULLIBLE'S    TRAVELS,    ETC. 

"I  been  awful  lucky,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch.  "I 
win  the  prize  at  Collinses'.  It  was  a  silver 
pitcher — the  prettiest  you  ever  seen!" 

The  Missus  found  her  voice. 

"Do  5^ou  have  dinner,  too?"  she  ast. 

"I  should  say  we  do!"  says  ISlis.  Hatch. 
"And  simply  grand  stuff  to  eat!  It  was  nice 
last  week  at  Beardsleys' ;  but  you  ought  to  been 
at  Collinses' !  First,  they  was  an  old-fashioned 
beefsteak  supper;  and  then,  when  we  was 
through  playin',  Mrs.  Collins  made  us  welsh 
rabbits  in  her  chafin'-dish." 

"That  don't  tempt  me,"  I  says.  "I'd  just 
as  soon  try  and  eat  a  raw  mushrat  as  a  welsh 
rabbit." 

"Well,  we  got  to  be  goin'  in,"  says  Hatch. 

"Good  night,"  says  Mrs.  Hatch;  "and  I 
wisht  you  was  comin'  with  us." 

The  pitcher  we  seen  was  called  The  Fly  Cop. 
Don't  never  waste  a  dime  on  it.  They  ain't  a 
laugh  in  the  whole  show ! 

THE   END 


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